Guilt about memory care/Assisted living

I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

For dad, you don't tell him about the move and the house. Don't try to discuss it. You just do what needs to be done - for his safety and your peace of mind.

It is easy to say not to feel guilty, but you know this is the time. He will be cared for 24/7, and you will still be his best advocate.

@MaryEllenDaughter I feel your pain. I’m so sorry about your mom, and that now you have to assume care of your dad. I think a lot of us find ourselves here after one of the parents dies. I hope you will give yourself time to rest. What others have said is true: it is counterintuitive, but the least troubling/most digestible information is best. In the end, the key is finding the best possible place for your dad. Also, you may ask staff for ideas of what to say. I kept it very simple for my mom, as much as possible. The less the better. Truth, yes, but keep the focus on the day to day, that things are taken care of, and that your dad has set himself up for healthy retirement where he need not worry. It may not work, but calm reassurance worked best with my mom even though she was a basket case.

Hi MaryEllen.

Take your brother up on the offer. Dementia means that family outside of the immediate caregivers can feel uncomfortable either with the dementia or not wanting to step on your toes. They'll usually assume you've got a handle on things if you don't ask for help. So speak up and be really specific about what that help might be. As primary caregiver you're likely more adept at navigating the landscape, and they may appreciate really clear descriptions of what you need or how to behave. Don't do this alone when there's an offer of help on the table.

Early days after the move are tough—you've had to make decision after decision based on what you think will be the best fit for your dad financially and tempermentally, plus pared down his stuff, got everything moved, and prayed and hoped that he wouldn't balk at the door.

Because there's limited short term memory available to your dad, he's going to use a lot of his reserves trying to navigate the new environment—it'll take a while for him to imprint a new routine. I'd say it took my mom about 6 weeks to settle in and about 2-3 months before she seemed relaxed. It's pretty common that a PWD will be more confused after a move and you might see some sundowning or fogginess by the end of the day because he's tired. You'll probably be able to tell when your dad's best time of day is and plan accordingly.

Because he can't remember the particulars behind this seemingly sudden change, you're going to hear about it every time 'how'd THIS happen?' pops into his head. Don't get overwhelmed because you're hearing the same thing over and over-it's the disease. If he continues to feel anxious it might be a good time to adjust his meds as well.

I'd ask the staff to stop telling your dad his memory's bad, since he has anosognosia. That's going to rile him up. Think about what might be a palatable reason to him about why he's in that 'hotel' and run with what he can accept. It won't feel right to fib at first, but the goal is his peace of mind.

When they do those rankings of life's most stressful events, they put 'a death' or 'a divorce' at the top, but 'taking care of someone with dementia' must surely be right up there.

sorry for your loss and that you’re going through tough times with your dad. Your story is so similar to mine. My mom passed and my dad quickly went downhill and I had to sign him into MC after we finally got a diagnosis. He thinks he’s fine and that he can live in his own. What’s working for us is that he thinks he works at the facility. That room and board are part of his compensation. Maybe the facility can tell your dad that they need his help around the place? If that would be appealing to him.
i appreciate others comments to not tell him his memory is bad. I didn’t know what to do so I told him he has dementia. Now I know not to - thx, community. Our mom had ALZ and he had kept her at home until the end so when my bro and I were trying to reason with him (as if) my bro explained to him that he was struggling with the same thing she had. It did seem to sink in briefly but the denial came back.
it’s all very draining but at the end of the day they’re safe and cared for and we can find comfort in that.