Daycare
I’ll be visiting a day program on Wednesday for my DH with stage 6. I have no idea if I’ll like it or if it will work out. It’s a PACE program & it’s an hour away which is really the part that makes it feel stressful. I’m just realizing that if it were local I’d jump at it. (So writing this post is already helping!)
My two questions are: 1) for those who have used day programs, how did it work out? Any tips or pitfalls?
2) Do you think a day program is a dress rehearsal for placement? Meaning once you find a place that’s acceptable and get up the nerve to fib to LO in order to get them there, you’re actually preparing emotionally and practically for the next step in separation.
I'm just imaging DH going to daycare, experiencing confusion and various emotions, coming home exhausted and maybe being difficult b/c of the exhaustion or fear of unfamiliar surroundings plus the traveling.
Then, the next day he’ll have forgotten about the daycare (like he forgets everything we do) & we restart the whole process the next time he goes to daycare. (Sounds like what happens when people place loved ones in MC).
Will daycare reveal how lost he really is or make him feel more lost? Will daycare be positive for us both (my hope!)
I know I’m entering the next stage of something by taking this step.
Comments
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I have the same question. If it’s something he’ll like I’d be so grateful. But it sure is stressful thinking about what it “might” be like. I’m always too focused on what might happen instead of waiting for that something to happen!
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I would need to know how well trained the staff is to care for people with dementia. I personally would not use a program that far away.
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Hi AlzWife2023,
My wife began daycare in 2019, so she has been going there for 5 years. I don't consider it a rehearsal for placement; it is more like she is going to work (or school) 3 days a week. I would not have been able to keep working or take care of her for this long without it. It keeps her active, gives me a break, and they provide good meals for her.
Give it a try and try more than once if necessary. You can always try again a few days later, or even a few months later. The daycare will know what you are up against and can give you suggestions for the transition. I know it's a long drive and you can always keep him home if the weather is bad. On a nice day, you may come to enjoy the peaceful half of each way when you are alone in the car. And if the daycare picks him up and drops him off for you, you get that much more time to unwind.
Your health and sanity are paramount. You cannot take care of your loved one if you are stressed, sick, or burned out.
Love Bill_2001
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The distance is my main concern. I think the staff is well trained. They have a memory care/Alzheimer's specialist. I'll know more on Wednesday. Thank you so much for your reply. PS it's at a medical center: PACE program.
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Hi Bill, You are right & thank you for your encouragement and suggestions!
I was only thinking of the downsides. Currently, driving alone is one of my favorite activities because
1) I am alone! LOL and
2) I listen to audiobooks. Just finishing a 40 hour book (Of Human Bondage by WS Maugham). Audio books have been a lifesaver!
I have to take it one day at a time. I probably won't work any more than I do now (I teach two classes online) so it will be "me" time. Imagine!
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Hi Annie51, Thanks for your reply. You opened my eyes to my own negative thinking! As I told Bill: I was only thinking of the downsides. No risk, no reward! I'll post updates.
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Hi AlzWife2023,
It will also help you with the daycare transition if you add the daycare contacts to your cell phone. If they call, you will know it is them and can answer their questions. They will probably ask you some questions here and there as they get to know your loved one.
Let your friends and family know so they can support you and provide additional contact(s) to the daycare so they can reach out in the event they cannot reach you.
Since the daycare is far away, you might want to check out the area when you are there, if you don't want to go all the way back home the first few times. There may be a coffee shop or other stores you can peruse if you want to stay close by the first few days. For reference, my wife's daycare is quite close to my workplace, and she is generally there on the days that I go into the office.
Caregiving is a lot of trial and error. Keep trying things until you get into a groove, and do not be afraid to reinvent your solutions.
Love Bill_2001
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I have always been a worrier about things. My husband used to always say, “Don’t worry until it’s time to worry.” That always made me laugh and helped me get my unnecessary worrying under control. I miss his wisdom!
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You give great advice! Thank you so much!
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I miss my husband too.
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I did not feel like updating this post until now. It's Monday. I visited the daycare on Wednesday. My take away was the facility/program is acceptable if it were absolutely necessary to send him. Like if I had to work outside the home or if I were not able to care for him during the day for some other reason.
I was disappointed because the journey (it took me 70 minutes to drive there in good weather) made it feel like the trade-off was not worth the effort of traveling for me (or him) and it made me realize that DH is in a middle stage where it would feel like a punishment to send him to daycare. He would not want to go. He would get confused. I would have to lie to him and say he's just going for PT or a doctor's appointment and that would become our new normal. He's just too aware. It did not feel right.
Also, It smelled like diapers. I know this sounds mean and insensitive to those who are at or past this stage, but he's not there yet. I don't think the place was unclean, it's just that after I got a tour of the toilets and the shower room, I could not get that smell out of my nose. Also, my guide was rushing me a bit. She told me she works remote so I guess this was an inconvenience for her. She was nice and informative (It's a PACE program so all the services are bundled) but it felt like a sales deal gone sour. I assumed she was a social worker but her title is Senior Account Executive.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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