Visiting a stage 7 patient

Crushed · November 20

DW has not had the slightest cognitive reaction for 3-4 years. She can still swallow but reacts to nothing else. She has excellent care. So why do I visit? It is no practical use to her and emotionally very trying for me.
But I do.

Quilting brings calm · November 20

My thoughts are that you are doing it because of the life and love you shared together. Quoting a meme on Facebook - ‘She may not remember me, but I remember her’.

Then there is the what if- what if locked inside that body, she somehow does know I’m there or not there?

You’ve been dealing with this disease for so long that you probably can’t remember not dealing with it. We all support you and want you to know we value you.

midge333 · November 20

You visit because you love her and you love who she was before she was destroyed by this horrible disease. I am sorry.

trottingalong · November 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229035#Comment_229035

Quite a beautiful expression of words.

Donr · November 20

You might try to reduce the frequency of your visits.

White Crane · November 20

It’s what you do when you love someone the way you love your wife. I’m sorry it’s so hard.😞

Dunno · November 20

I've asked myself this same question many times. I don't believe it benefits either her or me to visit (but I do), and as you say, my wife also gets excellent care. If she could understand and respond to your question, what do you think she'd say.

jfkoc · November 20

I think you visit because of who you are. You want to see her and to check in with staff. To not visit at all might be more painful.

Dio · November 20

I think you visit because you want to maximize the remaining time you have with her. Your love is immeasurable! It's sad to see our LOs deteriorate before our eyes in the long goodbye that we must endure. But you'd regret it, too, if you didn't. Hugs to you…

Biggles · November 20

The deep love that we have for our loved ones is immeasurable, to abandon that love and the history that goes with it would be so intolerable and self destroying. The pain of this long goodbye is so very sad but it’s part of the journey together and that bond just can’t be broken. And so we continue as we only know how. My thoughts of care and love and respect are with you.

Vitruvius · November 21

According to the hospice nurse my DW is in Stage 7f, as she can no longer smile or make any other facial expression. She cannot hold her head up, and has not opened her eyes or spoken a word in months. Her hands are permanently clenched holding rolled up wash cloths. But she can still respond to food, when you tap a spoon to her lip she will open her mouth and accept puréed food. Otherwise you would think she was comatose.

Yet like you Crushed I still visit three times a week at dinnertime and feed her. The hospice nurse calls me twice a week after their visit to update me, and I am confident that she is getting excellent care. And yet I go. I talk to her as I feed her, updating her on what little is left of my life. And perhaps that’s why I go, because my love for her is one of the few things I have left.

SDianeL · November 21

we go because we love them. When my husband was dying the nurse said to talk to him because the last thing to go is their hearing. So I did. I also think maybe he could sense I was there even if he couldn’t respond. It’s so hard. Sorry. 🙏

Jeanne C. · November 21

I think it’s because we remember for them. My husband is early stage 7. He sleeps most of the time. He eats with cuing for each bite. He’s in a wheelchair. But I visit most days. If he’s awake I tell him about my day or stories about our life together. If he’s asleep I hold his hand and read or fuss with my phone. I know he can’t follow conversation. I don’t think he knows who I am. But I remember him. I know who we are to each other. I remember for both of us. So I go. It’s okay to take breaks - you need them. But we keep going because we remember. Peace and comfort to you.

fmb · November 21

Like everyone above said, we go because we love them. When DH and I married I vowed that I would be with him "in sickness and in health" and meant it. But even without that vow, I would still be there. Some days are very difficult emotionally for me, today was one. But other days I sit with him in silence and it's like it's just the two of us in the entire world. The veil parts for a few moments, and I get a glimpse of eternity.

elainechem · November 22

I don't think we can actually know how much they understand about what is going on around them. Since we can't know, I think it's best to treat them as though they are still present with us. This is called "The least dangerous assumption."

Phoenix1966 · 2:00AM

Your user name says it all. She was stolen from you and you go back again and again to be able to touch her, talk to her and feel some kind of presence that might still be there, buried under immeasurable layers of this heartless disease. It’s like she’s caught in amber, there but not there. I suspect, given the kind of person I think you are, you don’t really have a choice.

Visiting a stage 7 patient

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