Adult Children

@Biggles

Speaking with my adult child hat on.

I can't say with certainty why your son seems to be drifting away.

It's interesting your mind went to ashamed. Ashamed never really came to mind for me. And my dad's mixed dementia diagnosis included an alcohol-related one that caused his neurologist to judge mom and myself and prevented dad's admission to mom's first choice MCF.

Your husband's presentation with aphasia makes it impossible for your husband to keep up his end of a conversation in person. Imagine the difficulty over the phone given that the majority of communication is non-verbal which isn't possible over the phone. Your son's options would be a sad and awkward silence, monologuing or the pain and frustration of word salad. My dad didn't have aphasia, but before my parents moved back to this area phone conversations with him were really challenging— dad wasn't sure who I was, he would repeat scripted cringey stories, and sometimes just walk off mid-call.

This could be a situation where your DS doesn't feel like your DH "is still in there" if his interactions are mostly over the phone. A lot of children process personhood of a parent with dementia differently than the spouse of that same PWD would. My dad's personality remained very intact (we never got along), so I didn't personally experience this, but a dear friend whose mom had dementia did. My friend took wonderful care of her mom at home until the end. Her mom had been a dynamo and as she progressed into someone very not like that, my friend felt as though her mom was gone. She once told me "the lady who lives with me is a nice enough little old lady, but she's not my mom".

Your son may, on some level, be concerned for his own future with dementia and worried about the impact it would have on his wife and children. The same way I worry about being cursed with mom's arthritic knees and AMD, I worry about dementia— the pain it would cause my family and the logistics of care as my husband is older and my son is barely able to adult consistently.

The other piece is that your DH's dementia comes in a decade when your son is justifiably distracted by responsibilities that can't be deferred— his marriage, his children, his career and their future. I was in my 50s when I first noticed signs of dementia and nearly 60 by the time he was diagnosed. Traveling to see my parents wasn't easy before that— they were a 4-hour drive or 3-hour flight away depending on the time of year. My travel meant DH had to be not traveling for work and available to assume solo parenting for our son who is on spectrum.

I am sorry you are disappointed by your son's behavior, but I don't think confrontation is the best approach. If he does come to visit, and you already enjoy a warm and open relationship, ask how he's feeling.

He's processing losses, too. His reality was not what he imagined in terms of his dad. He may have imagined his father as a warm and loving grandfather to his kids or as someone he could share his work successes with. Just as it stings to hear about your friends trying new restaurants and planning their next cruise, you son is watching his kids bereft of the warm relationship other kids have with their grandparents.

HB

I have adult children to and they all react different. My oldest daughter is 47 years old and I thought was the most caring, but during covid I was caring for my wife and my mother and we also have an special needs daughter that is 38 now. My son in law and daughter called and asked what they could do to help because they only live about 3 miles away. I told them that all I really needed at the time was for them to not let my wife feel isolated and abandoned. Even with all the covid concern they could call and let her know she was still cared about (at that time she could still carry on a conversation. They called once and that was it. My son that has 6 kids and a business to run call regularly and visited every week. Every reacts different but I do have a little resentment about my daughter since they call and asked what they could do then did nothing.

I quit calling my father when my calls became confusing and frustrating for him. He thought I was his twin sister and would get upset when I didn't know things that she would know. I did stay in touch with my mother and called her frequently to see how they both were doing.