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Not diagnosed

rayland
rayland Member Posts: 3
5 Care Reactions First Comment
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

My DH has not been diagnosed but is showing many symptoms. He is in denial and blames all his problems on me. It’s been a struggle the past year. I feel like a parent instead of a wife. His mouth can get pretty bad. It’s getting hard and frustrating.

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  • Jeanne C.
    Jeanne C. Member Posts: 841
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    I’m sorry you’re both going through this. I’m glad that you found this site. The people here are really helpful. I don’t know what I would have done without them.

    Your husband isn’t really in denial. For many, dementia includes something called anosognosia. Basically, his brain will not let him see his own impairment. Not that it matters - either way you’re not going to be able to get him to see his symptoms. This makes it incredibly hard for you.

    I would write up details of the symptoms you’re seeing and discreetly share it with his doctor. Perhaps you can get him to see the doctor by saying it’s for insurance purposes. You’re going to need to find ways to work around your husband. It’s awful. And feels like lying. But it’s what we need to do to get help and keep them safe.

    If you feel unsafe, call 911 and explain the situation. I also strongly suggest calling the helpline listed on this page. They have social workers who can help point you in the right direction.

  • rayland
    rayland Member Posts: 3
    5 Care Reactions First Comment
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229514#Comment_229514

    right now he’s just losing his phone, (once in the fridge) keys, wallet, lost his car once at the mall. His temper gets bad. He wanted to buy something the other day so I looked into pricing. I went to tell him about it and he yelled at me that I’m wasting his money which made no sense. He messages friends and if they don’t respond right away he asks me what I did to them. Tells me to shut up constantly. He’s early 60’s and retired so his medical insurance stinks. I have no access to his doctors. I’m just tired of all the blame. Tired of being yelled at. Need coping skills

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 451
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    Watch Teepa Snow videos on YouTube. Read the 36 hour day. On this site there is a link for new members which provides information that is very helpful. I’ve been where you are. It’s not easy but there are tools to help you.

  • CampCarol
    CampCarol Member Posts: 100
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    Welcome to the site. My husband also has a bad mouth. He did prior to this, but I could always walk away. Now I can’t. I know what you’re feeling, and it’s hard. Do look into anosognosia, and read “the 36 Hour Day”. (It was recommended by people on this forum; you can get it on Amazon, it helped me a lot). And keep posting…everyone here is great, and I’ve found multiple responses and expertise from those who are stages ahead of me.

  • rayland
    rayland Member Posts: 3
    5 Care Reactions First Comment
    Member

    he’s at the early stages where people are noticing but not putting much into it. They call him forgetful John at work, and some of my family has noticed subtle things. I notice mostly because I’m with him all the time. His bad mouth is belittling me for that most part. Telling me to shut up and saying negative things about me to my face. He has no filter. It’s hard on me. I’m trying to be patient and understanding but he yells at me all the time for things that make no sense. I try to walk but he doesn’t make it easy. Very frustrating.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 1,038
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    Welcome. Sorry for the reason you’re here. You need to take action now. Don’t wait. Get his diagnosis asap. Go to a CELA attorney and get a Durable Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney now. Get the book “The 36 Hour Day” which explains the disease & gives tips on what to do. Watch Tam Cummings videos. His behavior is caused by the disease. It’s not him. You can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. You can’t stop him. Try distractions or redirection. Lie to him. Tell him you’re sorry and will never do it again. Time to take away his phone and access to the internet and get in charge of your finances. If he’s working he should retire on disability before he gets fired. He probably should not be driving anymore. He could get in an accident and you could lose everything. Soon you won’t be able to leave him alone. The sooner you learn and prepare the better for you both. Please keep us posted. We totally understand what you are going through.

  • Biggles
    Biggles Member Posts: 164
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    Hi Rayland so sorry you are here but this is a great place of learning and knowledge and this close knit family can be oh so comforting when needed, which for me at the moment is often everyday. SDianeL has given some very sound and necessary advice do act on n it. You could also find on this site and read The Cavalry Is NOT Coming, for me this article was excellent. It’s a long slow hideous disease and we each have to find our own way. Good luck, keep posting.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more

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