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Visit from family

Anna2022
Anna2022 Member Posts: 185
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

Today, my daughter, SIL and grandson are coming to visit. DH is totally confused and agitated, thinking that his sister is coming to visit instead and seems to be under stress because of the visit. Relations with this daughter are a bit strained - she lives out of state and rarely visits, so today is a big deal, although I'm trying to make it not so big of a deal - just lunch, just a short visit, just meeting the grandson! Wish us luck as we navigate this day!

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  • fmb
    fmb Member Posts: 462
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    Is there a safe place in your home where DH can go if he needs to de-stress while they're there? Hoping everyone enjoys the visit!

  • annie51
    annie51 Member Posts: 176
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    Good luck today. Good advice from fmb about a safe place to go. Things like this stress me out!

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 910
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    DH is now in MC but when he was home I found it better not to tell him about visits or appointments too far in advance. If I did, he would stress about it and get himself upset and keep asking about it and worrying. For us, it worked better to tell him last minute. I wish you well with your visit. And like fmb said, maybe a safe place or a quiet place for your DH to retreat to would be helpful.

  • trottingalong
    trottingalong Member Posts: 451
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    Wishing you the best today for a good visit. My DH also gets horribly stressed with visitors (change of routine). I tell him at the last minute and just act like it’s no big deal. It usually works as long as the person isn’t here for long.

  • HollyBerry
    HollyBerry Member Posts: 186
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    Hope today goes well. The most successful family visits, for us, seem to happen when the visitors are able to integrate into her routine, rather than trying to take her out of her routine at the same time there are new people involved. I hope you are all able to enjoy each other's company, even if it's for a short time.

  • Anna2022
    Anna2022 Member Posts: 185
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    Thank you for the suggestions! Such a good idea to offer respite!

    I have found that if I give him a few hours notice he will usually be OK. As he got dressed for the visit, his agitation manifested in statements that he's started repeating lately when stressed: that he hated his life and didn't want visitors. I just reassure him that it will be OK and that the visitors love him and want to see him for just a short visit. That helps, sometimes. He asked me repeatedly who was coming, what was the name of the daughter's boyfriend (her boyfriend for 11 years and now husband of 5 years ) and, "they have a baby?" He remained agitated, thinking they had gotten lost or stopped to eat somewhere - lots of negative stuff.

    When they arrived, he rallied and was present but quiet, sometimes asking a question that showed he was listening (sort of) and was appropriate and loving with the baby. The visit lasted about an hour and a half. If you didn't know he had cognitive issues, you would have thought he was quiet, but fine. After they left, he was OK for awhile, asked a question about whether I enjoyed the visit, said that he thought they were a "lovely couple," and then slowly became grumpy for the rest of the evening but refused to tell me why, saying he didn't want any questions. He ate doughnuts for dinner (sugar for the brain?) and then retreated to watch TV until bedtime. I suspect the visit wore him out. I know I was exhausted by it all.

    I'm not sure what was going on in his mind sometimes … .

    And so it goes.

  • fmb
    fmb Member Posts: 462
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    Good to hear that the visit went well. It probably took all the cognitive reserves he could muster at the time, and he was exhausted by the end of the day. His brain needed more fuel (hence the sugar) and rest. Having witnessed her father at his very best (showtiming), your daughter may not realize just how severe his limitations are. It will be up to you to explain this to her if she minimizes his (and your) struggle and you feel that it is worth trying to explain.

  • jfkoc
    jfkoc Member Posts: 3,936
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    thanks for the update…

  • Anna2022
    Anna2022 Member Posts: 185
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/229664#Comment_229664

    Yes, I agree to all of this! I'm planning on calling her and having a private conversation about it all. Thanks for your help!

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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