Making my list, checking it twice

tigersmom · December 3

Ok, I should probably be thinking kinder thoughts, but I am starting to get mad. It’s been eight and a half weeks since DH died. The first four or five were pretty busy — memorial service to plan, pension and bank and finances to deal with, etc. Now that all of that has settled a bit, it is deathly quiet. Nobody seems to call me. Not any of the concerned people who said they’d be there at the memorial service. Not even some of the people who were there for me throughout his entire illness. And I sit in my quiet house and think, what is up with that? Some people have said to me that people don’t call because they don’t know what to say. Well, what do you really have to say but, “How are you doing?” I guess they don’t want to hear the answer. I don’t mean to sound bitter, but there is a pretty long list of People Who Have Disappointed Me. And it seems to be getting longer by the day.

ThisLife · December 4

Not an uncommon occurrence. At eight weeks out you are still pretty raw and low on energy and initiative. grief support group may help you step out more if that is available to you.

When others don't reach out, the ball is in our court. We have to be specific about what we need. This is tough early on. Call a friend to talk, invite them over for coffee, invite them to meet you somewhere for lunch, go to a holiday market, go for a walk, etc. Make sure it is something you feel up to doing.

Sometimes I just feel I need to be around people without any expectations of me. I sit in a coffee shop, library, shopping mall or busy shopping area, etc. I just people watch.

Give grace where you can but especially to yourself. (((hugs)))

fmb · December 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230282#Comment_230282

I sit at the Costco food court, eat greasy pizza, and people watch. Makes for some interesting viewing and occasionally good conversation. No one there knows my story or asks how DH is doing, and I can just be myself without having to explain anything. They don't have to walk on eggshells around me. My friend who lost his wife almost two years ago has a regular table at Panera's. He's around others but doesn't have to interact if he doesn't want to. He also recently started volunteering with his local Friends of the Library, making new friends who didn't know his wife and aren't a constant reminder of his loss.

Give grace where you can but especially to yourself. (((hugs)))

I am printing this out and displaying it right next to my laptop where I'll see it frequently. I SO need this reminder! Thank you.

@tigersmom I'm sorry your friends seem to have abandoned you. Once the casserole dishes are washed and returned, some people get caught up in their own lives, others don't know what to say, and still others believe they are just giving you space. It hurts. While a grief support group might be helpful, most of them are on hiatus over the holidays, just when people need the company of understanding others the most. This Life gives some good suggestions. Know that we're here for you, too. ((hugs))

Jeanne C. · December 5

I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re feeling so alone. This isn’t the same situation, but when my husband moved to MC I was desperately lonely. And I found that people who regularly helped and visited weren’t around. I’m guessing they thought I was fine because I didn’t have the constant caregiving to handle. My therapist kindly told me that I should ask for what I needed. So I did. I explained to my sisters and a couple of close friends that I still needed visits and calls. And now they can add inviting me out because I can leave the house. I’ve also found things to do - I had to force myself out of my comfort zone.
I’m sorry you’re disappointed in your friends. But it’s okay to ask for what you need. Some of them may pleasantly surprise you.

tigersmom · December 5

Thank you for your responses, @ThisLife , @fmb and @Jeanne C. I do have a bereavement group I attend through hospice. We only have two sessions left (I joined it on session three), but I like the people and it does help. And I do have one good friend and one sister who continue to call from time to time. It is just interesting. People were all over me when he was in the hospital — constant calls, texts, and dinner invites from my neighbors. That really tailed off when he went to memory care, and as you mentioned, @Jeanne C. , that was a very lonely time, too. @fmb , your Costco solution made me laugh. I could give that a try! And @ThisLife , I’m sure you’re right that I need to be proactive. I think for the first few weeks I just wasn’t capable of reaching out. But now it seems like I will have to if I don’t want to sit home by myself all the time. I find it interesting that my impulse is to keep things the same — shop at the same stores, spend the same amount of time at home, make a smaller but similar Thanksgiving dinner— when what is probably needed right now is to change things up. I think I need to step away from the familiar, because everything I do close to home so reminds me of my husband. I cry on the streets a lot; just can’t help it. Thank you to all who responded. It feels so good to have your support, even though I don’t have caregiving problems anymore. I guess now, in stage 8, I have self-caregiving problems.

Making my list, checking it twice

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