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Kisssing in MC

White Crane
White Crane Member Posts: 909
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

My husbands MC called last night to tell me that DH and a female resident had shared a mutual kiss on the lips. The nurse said they were going to do their best to keep them separated. My first reaction was, "Oh, ****" although I didn't say it out loud. The nurse said she was sorry and we hung up. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did a little of each along with a loud scream and an expletive. Intellectually I understood these things happen but emotionally it really, really hurt. Later in the evening, I kept picturing him with his arms around another woman and kissing her and I felt betrayed. After 57 years of marriage it just isn't right for him to be kissing someone else!

Brenda

Comments

  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,574
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    I'm sorry.

  • Karen711
    Karen711 Member Posts: 90
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    Hi Brenda,

    I’m so sorry! To me it’s completely understandable to be crushed by this. You can give yourself the usual pep talk about how his brain is broken and that he is NOT himself, etc., but it may not be enough to override your immediate emotion around it. Let yourself feel what you feel, all very important, very real grieving. Sending hugs!

    Karen

  • ronda b
    ronda b Member Posts: 107
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    So sorry. I know it still hurts.

  • Russinator
    Russinator Member Posts: 38
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    That would make me feel the same way as you are feeling. I'm so sorry.

  • Victoriaredux
    Victoriaredux Member Posts: 131
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    He's time traveling back in his mind , did he kiss, or want to, others before you met? He's back there. Your life with him started and moved forward.

    I do think it is odd the nurse mentioned the kiss in a call. And to phone at night too. What did she think it would do but cause pain?

    Unless she is setting up a procedure for one/both of them to go for "physical aggression"- wanting more - if that develops. Raises the legal issue- do conserved or non-conserved individuals lose their right for human touch ? What is consent? Are older folks neutered by age ?

    I'd talk to a senior manager at the place and get a better idea about how they approach the topic and request that kind of call not be dropped on you at night.

  • CampCarol
    CampCarol Member Posts: 100
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    My husband (stage 5, still at home) has a crush on his caregiver who is here 2 afternoons a week. He compliments her nonstop, wants to hold her hand (and probably more!) and gets upset when she leaves. I get a scowl if I'm lucky when I get home. I'm with Ghphotog though - - while he's with her, he's happy. And that makes me happy.

  • Phoenix1966
    Phoenix1966 Member Posts: 212
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    I'm so sorry. The losses just keep coming with this disease.

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 219
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    My husband doesn't remember who I am, so I would not be surprised if the same thing happens with him. I'm sorry it hurts so much; I feel your pain.

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 797
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    My dh's facility called me with a similar message one evening. It's their protocol to let families know. My response at the time was that they deserve whatever happiness they can have in the moment.

    However, now every time I go to visit he's holding hands with her. When my dh starts trying to show me her room I know it's time to leave (she's typically not in it, and I don't think there's any physical contact beyond holding hands). When I arrive he always introduces me to her, which is very uncomfortable. I've started waiting far enough away that by the times he gets to me he's kind of forgotten the intros (10 feet or so).

    My dh and I have been married only a few years and we were each married before that. I can't imagine how awful it would be for a lifelong spouse.

  • Joe C.
    Joe C. Member Posts: 978
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    I received to same phone call from my wife’s MC a one point. They told me they would keep an eye on them and try to keep them apart but could not tell me who the other party was due to confidently. A few days later I was walking around the facility with DW and we passed a male resident she tapped me on the shoulder, smiled and said “he likes me”. DW had not recognized me as her husband for several years at this point. I was happy that she was happy. This infatuation last a few weeks and then they lost interest in each other.

  • Dunc1129
    Dunc1129 Member Posts: 9
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    There were times when I was visiting DW when she would get serious and tell me I should leave "because her husband was coming home soon and would get angry if I was with her." I would leave and disappear down the hall, talk to some of the staff for a few minutes and then reappear to DW. She was so happy to see me and the visit would start fresh. It always tickled me and made me laugh

  • MN Chickadee
    MN Chickadee Member Posts: 896
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    That happened with my mom with Alz too. The facility mostly kept them apart and it did pass, but it was really hard on my father. It's not unusual for dementia but it still hurts. Try to remember it's not him or a reflection of his love for you, it's just the disease taking over his brain and he's lost and looking for connection anywhere he can find it. Hugs.

  • WIGO23
    WIGO23 Member Posts: 130
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    I certainly have not had a similar experience. But I have found that when DH does something distressing, I try think to myself, “that is not my DH, that is his evil twin Skippy”! It keeps me sane (somewhat) and gives me a bit of a chuckle I side too.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 909
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230505#Comment_230505

    Bill, Thanks for injecting some humor. I like your attitude.

    Brenda

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 909
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    All of your comments are appreciated. It still hurts but not as much. It seems to be a common occurrence. Thank you for understanding. This forum is a lifesaver.

    Brenda

  • Jazzma
    Jazzma Member Posts: 119
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    The first time I saw my DH holding hands with another resident I was beyond devastated. He even apologized to me because he had found someone else. Now 11 months into MC he and another woman hang out together and I occasionally find her things in his room. The staff doesn't let them spend the night together. I know that nothing sexual happens. I am glad that he is finding comfort when I can't be there. It may be different because he does still know me when I visit, at least as 'his girl,' and he's usually very affectionate to me — as is the other woman. I don't have any advice for you except that, for me, it got easier over time. Big hugs.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 909
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    I just re-read all of your comments. It helped me to read about your experiences and feelings. I went to see DH this morning after church. He was sitting in a recliner next to the resident that I believe he had been kissing. As soon as she saw me she waved me over and said, "Here he is!" She's a nice lady and I like her but really didn't know how I would react. DH was happy to see me and we played some rummy and visited for a while. I'm wondering if he is forgetting who I am. Just a feeling I had. When I left, I felt rather emply inside. I gave him a hug and a kiss before I left but he didn't return my hug. Maybe next visit will be better. I need to stop expecting him to react the way I want him to and accept him just as he is. Thanks for listening.

    Brenda

  • ghphotog
    ghphotog Member Posts: 686
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    That's all you can do Brenda, accept him for who he is in that moment. Things will change.

  • White Crane
    White Crane Member Posts: 909
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/230676#Comment_230676

    Yes, things always change. The moment is all we have. Thank you.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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