Those eyes!! š
I totally get it! I get why DH NEEDS to have me within eye sight at all times. Iām his safety Iām his security. Iām coming to terms with the fact that he was never home, always a meeting to go to and I got use to fending for myself and now he follows me everywhere! What is driving me crazy is DH constantly following me with his eyes not saying anything just watching my every move ! I walk to the fridge his eyes are on me, I go to the stove, I feel him looking, to the sink back to the stove!!!! How do I deal with this?
Comments
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I feel for you. I have similar stuff going on and itās frustrating, just take deep breath and realize not sane person anymore, itās not easy
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I know what youāre going throughā¦it took some time to get used to but I still get frustrated. If I go to the bathroom he waits in a chair outside the door or sometimes just opens it to make sure Iām in there. Once in a while if heās watching one of his favorite movies, heās focused on that and not on me. I try to be patient and tell myself itās not a big dealā¦but it doesnāt always work.
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My DH constantly asks me if I'm OK, which I figured out is his way of feeling safeā¦if I'm OK, he is OK. He has not yet started shadowing me.
And by constantly asking me I mean at least once every 20 minutes or so. On some days, he asks every five minutes. I used to get tired of it, and on bad days I can get really frustrated. On good days, I just say I'm OK.
Nothing about this is easy.
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I guess I look at my DHās need in a different way. For most of our married lives we were both busy a lot of the time, with jobs and careers and just keeping the household running. I traveled for my job fairly often and we were often busy getting ready for get together with friends, upgrades to our home, pet care and so on. I remember saying to him on more than one occasion that we never really sit down and just talk. Now, in stage 6/7 he barely talks above a whisper and is confused much of the time. But he needs me. I take of all of his needs, feeding him, dressing, showering, bathroom needs and just being with him to hold his hand. This is the only time in my life I can recall being really needed, other than by my sister who is very close to me. I certainly donāt like this disease and what it has done to him, how it has changed our lives so profoundly. But I love him just as much, if not more, just because I am responsible for his care. Iām retired from my career. (Which I loved). This is my job now. And it is the most important job Iāve ever had. It is more important than āgetting on with my own lifeā and rekindling friendships or whatever else is out there.
We didnāt have children, but I imagine it is a similar feeling to taking care of an infant or small child and being responsible for everything about them. But a big difference is that we have lots of support from friends and society as a whole with a new baby and it is surrounded by happiness. Dementia is going in the other direction. Friend and relatives slowly fall away and the only support is that which we write a check for and wait hours or months to get even that. It is surrounded by sadness. There isnāt a cure (yet) and we are left to do the best we can. Our loved one eventually needs around the clock care, either by us or in a facility somewhere.
I love my husband now just as much as before and while I canāt fix all of his problems, I can fix some of them and make his days better. Itās extremely difficult, as everyone here knows. But for once in my life I am truly needed and I will be with him every step of the way.
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Thank you for this. It is so very helpful today.
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ImMaggieMay thank you so much for posting this, I feel the same gentleness and love towards my husband all I want to do is care for him as best I can. I love being a big part of his life which is our life; but on our journey of health professionals, doctors and carers I havenāt come across any one who could interpret my feelings. The avenue people take is along the lines of you need space, you need time for yourself, you need to retain your independence etc. that is not how I feel. My darling DH and I have had a wonderful life together he is not perfect but has always been thoughtful, kind, strong, encouraging, standing beside me and our children. He is one of the best and thatās all I want to be for him now. When he started to show signs of needing help I always knew what I needed to do, but you have given me the courage to see that. On this journey that no one wants - thank you.
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if I even shift in my chair, my DW asks, āwhere are you going?ā It may eventually drive me mad, but for now, Iām hanging in there with my shadow.
I really do wonder what I will be like after all of this. I have definitely discovered a store of patience within me that I have never shown any signs of possessing. Ha!
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oh I wish I felt as some here have expressed about being needed etc. My DH was always too busy going to meetings 4 nights a week as a volunteer as well as spending saturdays and holidays with his volunteer friends. I was the one taking care of the house working a full time job and raising 3 children. I learned to fend for myself make my own way and liking me! He chose not to be with me. Now the friends are gone the volunteering is gone and he needs me now after 50 years! Itās difficult
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JC5, When my DH was in an earlier stage of the disease, he would sit and watch me while I cooked meals. It really got on my nerves. Like your husband, he didn't say anything, just watched. I would get nervous and even angry at times. One thing I did that helped was to start talking to him and sometimes singing a song. Sometimes I asked him if he would set the table or cut up some vegetables or fruit. He was always eager to helpā¦to have something to do. When we went to church, he wanted me by him at all times and would get stressed if I left to use the restroom during Sunday School. I was his security blanket, his anchor to reality and his guide. In a later stage, he just sat in his recliner all day watching television or sleeping. He is in MC now and I miss him being with me. Hang in and try to be patient with him. I know it's hard but things will changeā¦sometimes quickly. Sending hugs.
Brenda
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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