New to the group: Mom won’t stop shopping online

tobyleah · December 16

Hi there,
My mother has been suffering from memory decline for a few years and was just officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, in the early enough stages we’re talking about Lecanemab and I’m sure I’ll be back asking questions about that! One thing we’re dealing with that I feel like others have also struggled with is that one of her main hobbies now is online shopping, as I think she feels she is getting tasks done, but really she is just ordering crap she and my dad don’t need and have nowhere to put. It basically just becomes a chore for him to return things every day. She has even opened new credit cards that my father only finds out about when the bills come. Are there services or sites that can help with this? She loves her phone/ipad and watching videos/shows online. I also get that she loves looking at clothes online especially (she was a costume designer) but the add-everything-to-cart is out of control. Any tips from those who’ve dealt with this appreciated!

Thanks!
-TB

Quilting brings calm · December 16

you can freeze their credit with the three credit bureaus. Then new credit can’t be opened unless you call to unfreeze it. You can put parental controls on certain streaming services that won’t allow for purchases without a code being entered. Your father could cancel her authorized user status ( if that’s her status) on his cards and ask for new card numbers only in his name( before he freezes the credit). You could then give her a debit card that only allows for x $ of purchase per day. Otherwise your father should change the password on the router and only allow her online when he’s able to monitor her usage.

H1235 · December 16

Welcome! Restring our loved ones kind of goes with dementia. It is awful to take away something they enjoy, but try to remember it’s the dementia that is making it difficult for them to safely navigate these activities. We want so much for our loved one to be happy, but physical and financial safety have to be the priority. A person with mid stage dementia and a credit card can cause a lot of damage. QBC has given good advice.

psg712 · December 17

She will be frustrated, but at some point her access to credit cards, checkbook, bank accounts etc needs to be blocked. All of it. She could provide information to people over the phone who would wipe her out financially. If your father gets cards in his name only, he needs to keep them locked away where she can't find them. She clearly doesn't have the judgment to handle money and credit. It sounds harsh but better safe than sorry. I know you don't want to get rid of all her online fun, but just as you wouldn't want a child to have unrestricted access, you can't afford for her to roam the internet unsupervised.

harshedbuzz · December 17

@tobyleah

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found this place.

Your dad needs to shut this down. Immediately. Not only does he need to limit your mom's access to money, he should cut her access to the internet/smart phone as well. Her judgement is such that she could easily be scammed via either which would be catastrophic.

This isn't going to make her happy and it'll mean dad will need to more proactively monitor and entertain her, but she could ruin them both financially at a time when he'll be needing money for care as her needs increase.

When you talk to the doctor about Leqembi, ask specifically about results in woman. This medication doesn't seem to work as well in women, POC and the elderly as it does younger men.

Signed,
HB whose dad lost $360K playing the market in the early stages of the disease.

tobyleah · December 17

Thank you — I think we’ll start with the credit/freezing of cards and then worry about the internet. She watches a lot of shows on Hulu and Disney, etc but I can probably set up her ipad with limited access to other sites. I control that account already so I should be able to block her from buying anything from a streaming ad, I can just block us all from that TBH!

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/231278#Comment_231278

tobyleah · December 17

Thank you! This is helpful to hear and I didn’t know that the results in Leqembi differ by gender so will ask about that!

NizhoniGrrl · December 19

This was a huge problem for me with my mom. My first step was to make her checking account her “sandbox.” All her deposits went into another bank account that was not linked (an entirely different bank, even) so I could pay her bills and manage her money. Every month I transferred a set amount into her account and she could do whatever she wanted with it. I had to take away the credit card but she could use her debit card. When she started applying for credit cards I finally got smart and froze all of her credit. And eventually we just went entirely to cash. The complication for you is your father. He may feel uncomfortable stopping her spending, she may insist he give her his card to order things, etc. You need to work with him as a team for this to work. Good cop / bad cop strategies, etc. It is super frustrating but try a sandbox before going scorched earth maybe?

New to the group: Mom won’t stop shopping online

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