Holiday wishes and a little sad
Wishing everyone in this amazing group a calm holiday. Im glad to report mom continues to do well in her MC. She is calm, engaged, and has friends. Her mmse score (9) sucks, but she still seems to know a lot of things: she knows family, she knows she likes her new place way more than the last one, she knows I visit, she knows her friends are coming Friday (sort of).
It’s me who’s losing it - not really, but very sad to be adjusting to this “normal.” When everything was chaos, and I was frantically trying to get her safe and settled, and my house was a jumble of her stuff and mine everywhere, I could cope. With things getting normal, it’s hard.
I am putting away her things and sobbing.
She had so much stuff. What does it all mean? She doesn’t want it in her place. She loves knowing I have it. But it makes me so sad that she can’t be surrounded by her life. Even though I truly know it wouldn’t matter. Before this move we gave her the option of staying in her place with a live-in and she absolutely didn’t want it. She is actually ok - Truly - way more comfortable where she is. I guess this is the point where maybe this is harder on me than her. I keep thinking of everything she has lost.
Ok. That’s my vent. I love knowing this place is here and others are going through similar, if not the same, things. Focus on a nice Christmas at her place or mine. Stay present with her. I hope everyone has a nice holiday however you celebrate, and if it sucks, you can vent here.
Comments
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Cleaning out a parent's stuff whether it is your childhood home or not is one of the saddest experiences whenever it takes place. Big hug.
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I'm so sorry. My grandmother still has old newspapers from the '80s and middle school yearbooks, which is both tricky because I wish she'd move on and live her life now, but I know that's not possible and I'm glad that she's surrounded by memories that comfort her. I'm sorry that you are dealing with this now, and hoping that 2025 is easier on you.
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It took me 14 months, but I moved into the master bedroom, formerly occupied by DH, this weekend. Assembled my new bed, rearranged the room. Lots of tears as I swapped my clothes for his things in the dresser and closet. Tried to go through his memorabilia to find things to give to his daughters and grandson. I just couldn't do it yet. I know he's never coming home and has no use for these things, but I'm just not ready.
On a more positive note, I am planning to attend early Mass on Christmas Day and then spend the day with him at the ALF.
So glad to have this forum where everyone gets it and truly understands. ((Hugs))
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Just take your time and do what you can, as you can handle it.
Nope - not easy…
((Hugs))
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Yes, it is hard. My mom does not understand that it is Christmas - I have pointed out the decorations at her MC and she does not know what they are for. I tell her, and the next day she doesn't know and we repeat the same conversation.
Agree with you, Anonymous, that in some way it is harder for us than for our LOs. They don't remember or don't care anymore about the losses. We are the ones remembering, bearing witness to and grieving the losses. Hugs for you. Keep posting here, it helps.
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I agree—it seems like it's easier to feel like you're making progress when things are in crisis mode. It's the calm times that give us too much time to think. Take your time going through things—they're not going anywhere. I have Mom's stuff piled in my attic and spare room still.
I sit with Mom and we look at her high school yearbook over and over, but she seems to enjoy it. I've tried to surround her with things she might recognize, but she 's lost so many memories that it's mostly just photos that have meaning for her. Like your mom, she actually seems content, so I guess that's the blessing this season.
Hang in there…
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yeah, I hear you. When I was so stressed out trying to make sure my loved one was safe, I just mostly felt stressed. Now that she is in a much safer place and has have made a lot of progress Getting her help, I'm sad about everything.
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Thank you so much everyone. It definitely helps A LOT to know I’m not alone. On the plus side, I took a risk (with blessing from MC staff) to take mom home for holiday and we have had a lovely time! I guess the sadness is necessary to value the time we have. She loves my animals and is so happy to see everything (it was worth the clean up). She likes looking at photos, but truthfully SHE is much more in the moment. She woke up this morning and said “let’s go to breakfast where everyone eats in the room.” Lmao that’s her MC. She didn’t care for my breakfast. But we’re happy. For anyone in the throes of the chaos, I can honestly say that in my case this later stage is so much easier than the earlier stages. My mom is much more peaceful even though she knows so much less. I think at this point it’s about making her feel loved, which I believe she does.
We have such a weird journey, being with our loved ones in this process.
Merry Xmas caregiving compatriots.
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Merry Christmas and happy holidays to all, however you choose to celebrate. I visited my mom in her MC for lunch today.
In spite of recent treatment for a UTI, mom seems to be at a new level of confusion. Could not figure out that she should open an envelope to remove a card. When I told her to do that, she removed the card without looking at it, then continued to study the blank back of the envelope.
She was pleasant at lunch but treated me to some interesting comments: "we will have to eat in the snow" (it's 50 degrees here today). "Linda has a train. I'm going to meet her there" (no Linda at the facility or in our family, and no train within sight or sound of the facility.) Mom usually doesn't initiate conversation so this was a change. Perhaps we'll take a train ride to find some snow before our next meal together, ha ha!
And although she has given no indication that she knows it's a holiday, she pointed at a resident who was wearing a festive sweatshirt and said, "there's Santa Claus!" Considering that she can't identify most family or friends in photos, the big man should feel honored to he recognized! I just try to keep a sense of humor. Blessings to all of you and your loved ones.
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Right there with you, friends. Mom definitely seems more at sea. I don't know if it's the disruption at MC because of the holidays, progression, a TIA (perhaps—she was in and out of AFib when she broke her hip in October), or a UTI. I feel like it's taking her weeks to recover from each UTI. Or it may be that she's playing catch up as she had visitors every day the other week when family came to town.
She did give me a giggle because I used the green ribbon from some of her gifts as a hair bow, and another for her wrist. When she circled back to it I told her that I'd wrapped her up like the present she was, and she very mater af factly said 'Thank you!'', as if it was how we normally roll .
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Cute! Humor definitely helps.
I too am wondering about a TIA for my mom. There's a definite change over the past couple of weeks. It's not alarming stuff but a clear decline in cognition.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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