Got Hysterical

My sister in law and I had a really good phone conversation a few months ago. She was very supportive and appreciative for the care I was providing to her brother. She said she could come visit anytime so I could leave for a few hours (it's a 2 hour drive), just tell her when I'd like her to come. 2 days later she's sends a text with photos of her family on vacation with the kids and grandkids. That was what broke me. I cried over what seems like no big deal. We never know what will trigger us.

I grew up in a home where men didn't show emotion and never cried, but my emotions are on edge all the time now and it doesn't take much to bring tears to my eyes, especially if someone shows concern for how I am doing more than just an "I am fine" will answer. I appreciate it when someone shows concern for my wife but I can't hardly handle it if they show concern about me. This site often brings tears to my eyes because it is people who care and are truly concerned for not only the PWD but more so the caregivers.

I started going to church 2 months ago after a lapse of 40 years. I cry every Sunday now.

I think we get used to being “unseen” and “unheard” on a day to day basis. First by our spouse who’s no longer capable of tracking or empathy. And also by our family and friends who, even if they hang in there and haven’t disappeared, can’t REALLY fathom what our day to day is all about. It’s hard for others to fathom the dark hole we get sucked up into. I’ve had a series of phone calls lately with a great group called the Hummingbird Project who have specially trained caregivers who understand dementia and have creative approaches to helping with quality of life type care. They are trying to help me come up with a story to tell my wife so that she will accept one of their specialized caregivers to come and “work on a volunteer project” together with her. At the end the gal turned the subject to me, acknowledging me for what I was trying to do for my DW and that she knew how difficult it was for me, and what a loving partner I was etc. After we hung up I completely broke down sobbing. I was in my car in my therapist’s parking lot and let it rip. But then it was over, I pulled myself together and drove home. Gotta let it out when you can! So sad.
Karen

This Christmas was so sad for me. I placed my DH in memory care in September, and have not allowed myself to feel anything since then. I always try to remind myself that I am lucky to be able to afford care for him, and that I shouldn't wallow in self-pity. Christmas derailed all of that, and I have cried so much for what we have lost, what we will never have again, what others have that we don't have any longer, etc., etc., etc. I have to say, I feel better for letting it all out. Our lives are so hard, and I guess the least we can do for ourselves is acknowledge that life is hard, and give ourselves some grace to break down now and then. I'm trying to go into the New Year with kinder thoughts about myself. Let's all support each other and not beat ourselves up so much! {Hugs} to all of you!

This was a hard Christmas for me too. I thought I had lowered my expectations but apparently I didn't lower them far enough. It was OK that DH didn't remember to buy gifts. It was OK that DH was upset by getting a gift from me (I think his response was more about him realizing he hadn't gotten gifts for me and came to that realization over and over as if new each time it came up. This memory loss stuff is a bitch) and said that he thought we had agreed not to exchange gifts (not true but I get that he might have thought that). The thing that got me was that he didn't want to eat - I had a nice lunch planned and for some reason him not eating was so very hard to bear. When a neighbor asked how the day went, I burst into tears. Again, those low expectations apparently weren't low enough.

In the end, we had a nice lunch today instead of yesterday, nice but it was better not to make it a big deal. I cleared out all the Christmas decorations and gifts and stuff this morning before DH was awake. It didn't register with him that they were gone or maybe that they were even there in the first place. It was as if Christmas never happened. And, come to think about it, it didn't!

I cried during my therapy session today, talked about grief, progression, hopelessness, monotony, taking care of me, care-taking in general and family dynamics. Whew. Talking it out with someone who can hold that space and not judge or give worthless advice is a life-saver.