Taboo subject of divorce

See a lawyer about the financial aspects. I had one suggest that I get one for that reason. I do see your point. It's something you have to figure out on your own. Everyone deserves happiness.

@BPS

This does seem to be a taboo subject, but the reality is that not all marriages were good ones. My mom and dad had a rocky marriage— when it was good, it was great. But when it wasn't (both have some mental health issues and dad was a serial adulterer) it was ghastly. Mom considered leaving several times but never had the backbone to do it. Her words.

When dad developed dementia and the lack of empathy and social filter he became a whole lot less fun. She brought up divorce a couple times but felt guilty that she wouldn't be able to provide the gold standard health insurance after a divorce. They actively avoided a diagnosis for almost a decade and when he was initially diagnosed with mixed dementia that included one that is alcohol-related, she was livid and wanted out.

I took her to a CELA I know to get POAs done and to rewrite her will. We did discuss divorce openly. I would consider doing this given how you feel. I'm sure this is different depending on things like the state and any potential grounds existing. A couple take-aways from mom's appointment were that the divorce would be expensive as dad would need representation to protect his interests. The lawyer said dad might be awarded alimony given his circumstances and the loss of low-cost health insurance through her pension. Dad would have split an inheritance she was due to receive which irked her. The lawyer cautioned her that his will might be rewritten to disinclude her as spouse leaving his assets to me and my late sister's children. The piece that caused her to drop this idea was that I would likely be awarded guardianship. She claims she didn't want to burden me with it, but I suspect she didn't trust me to do right by a man I never really got along with. I'm certain the societal expectation of women as caregivers played into this mightily as well.

She decided to take a risk that his progression would continue and that she'd have a Stage 8 in which she could reclaim her life. It paid off pretty well for her. Interesting, about 5 years after his death much of her anger has passed and she is finally able to think about the times that they were good together.

HB

@Audrey22 said

" I also would continue to care for (at more of a distance) my husband. Very hard and like you not sure if I will ever do it."

If you divorce, that may not be an option. Our lawyer said this would be highly unusual. Ultimately the guardian would decide who has access to the PWD. Mom was warned that guardianship would be offered to me. Otherwise, my uncle or my niece could have applied to be guardian. If no family member wanted to be guardian, a professional one would be assigned.

Unless your SIL is a CELA, I would take her advice with a grain of salt. There are a lot of folks who recall the days of "Medicaid divorces"— some of the circumstances around that have changed.

HB

I have been thinking about divorce all morning. PWD ( has AD) & I have been married for 57 yrs and have no children or close family (he alienated everyone years ago). He has always been extremely difficult but is now becoming intolerably mean and verbally abusive. I really don't love him anymore, but feel obligated to take care of him since he has no one else. I think the years of unhappiness have crushed my spirit to the point that I don't have the strength to go through what would be a very difficult divorce and at my age (76) what is the point anyway. If you have the intestinal fortitude, I think you should consider it.

I'm in Florida and there is an income limit for commumity spouses (about $3,000/mo) as well as medicaid recipient. FL and NYS have spousal refusal though (only 5 states recognize it).

I think you've got some great suggestions already. My only two cents is to think about the reason you want to divorce and act accordingly. Is it more financially based or emotional well-being based?

I'm in the camp of taking care of yourself. It may sound selfish, but it's realistic. The disease should not destroy two lives. You have no one to answer to but yourself. No one should judge lest they've walked in your shoes. At the end of your life journey, let there be no regrets.

Yes. I am still considering it. Sadly, I was just thinking earlier that I should have done it years ago before all of this happened. Now I feel so stuck, and I am really unhappy with my life. I am seeing a lawyer next month. From what I have read so far, I'm not very hopeful that it's even an option financially speaking. My situation is different. We still live together and have basically been roommates for over 8 years or more. I also still have a kiddo in high school. I too would make sure he is ok. He has nobody else to care for him. But I don't want to live this way anymore.

BPS- lot to unpack in your post. I opted to remain married, obtain a DPOA and set up a trust to protect assets and remain responsible for the care of my DW. So yea, definitely seek good legal advice first. My 8’year journey caring for DW recently ended with her passing, for me though it was very rough going though all this, In feel ok, still really sad but she passed at home under good care and I’m not broke and still healthy and sane. On the feelings you express, believe you’re feeling abused, neglected by your spouse? If so, pretty sure all of us caregivers feel, have felt these, it’s the disease not the spouse, hate the former and focus on the latter’s situation while protecting your assets would be my advice. That’s a daily battle sometimes too…Talk with other spouses going through situation. You have some tough decisions ahead, good luck and remember you’re not alone.