How to deal with dangerous “lies”

@neenz21

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

Does your MIL have dementia included in her medical records? Since paranoia and false beliefs are very common in PWD, if the diagnosis is noted, I wouldn't get overly excited about most accusations. This is very garden-variety stuff.

Best practices are typically to meet a PWD with dementia in the world in which they inhabit rather than trying to dissuade them of their reality. Validating her feelings of loss and upset would be more calming than trying to convince her she's wrong.

I understand the impulse to defend yourself and your reputation, but this sort of upset is forgotten more quickly with validation and/or an apology. Trust me. Dad went on a tear about me stealing from him on the regular. We didn't an easy relationship, so the script assigning nefarious behaviors was not new to me and I was very resistant to apologizing for crimes I didn't commit.

For a long time, dad told all around him that I had stolen (or cost him $360K). Sometimes I stole it from an account while other times I sold his house for less than it was worth. One day when I was recording his abusive and aggressive behavior for his geripsych to prove the need for a dosage increase he got into a real lather. Once I had the footage I needed, I apologized just to prove to the folks here who didn't know dad, that this strategy wouldn't work. I was shocked when he not only accepted the apology and promise not to steal anymore but that he dropped it immediately and was easily redirected to a snack.

That said, for a time dad told stories about things he'd done that would have resulted in an arrest. I'm certain this was a conflated memory about something a colleague had done. During that time, we kept him home for the most part and only took him to his medical appointments just to avoid an issue. We'd already turned off his phone at this point as he couldn't reliably use it. That may be an option if she's using the phone to badmouth you to friends or relatives who don't know better. This phase did eventually pass for us in the latter part of stage 6.

Good luck-
HB

Yes—so many people have family that have dementia, but it's just not on a provider's radar or a focus for family because we do expect some MCI as loved ones age, right? The line between normal aging changes and dementia isn't clear, the person with dementia may be handling their own care and so their new behaviors slip through the cracks, and no-one gets educated about what to look for in loved ones.

The 'Books' thread by Iris has great suggestions—I listed some links to videos as well—YouTube has great stuff. (And I bet your MIL probably had a great pair of boots that she loved back in the day, and was trying to find them…this disease sucks.)

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/65171/books-about-alzheimers-disease#latest