New Year

DH has not lived at home in over 14 months now. Although I have outsourced the 'blue glove' care and heavy lifting, I still struggle daily with other aspects of his care: advocating so he gets the care he is supposed to, driving the 1-1/2 hr. round trip to the ALF 4-5 days a week to visit him, jumping out of my skin every time the phone rings because it might be hospice calling. Struggling to fill my days when I stay home. Struggling with the grief and depression that wash over me and threaten to drown me at times. And struggling to figure out my current identity as widow/not widow as I edge closer and closer to Stage 8.

Buggytoo, thank you for starting this thread. My DH went to MC on January 23rd, 2024. That was the hardest, heartbreaking, saddest day of my life. As we approach the one year mark and I look back on the year that just ended, my first thought is, "How did I ever get through it?" Of course the answer is with the help of God, my kids, and a group of wonderful friends…and a fantastic eldercare lawyer who guided me every step of the way through the maze of Medicaid and asset protection. This past year brought grief and sadness so heavy that it threatened to drown me at times. It has also brought sickness and surgeries. In January, I had to have surgery on my right hand and elbow. March brought a week of stomach flu that laid me low. Next came bronchitis in early summer. Fall brought melanoma surgery. Winter brougt swallowing problems and a hyatal hernia diagnosis. And I finished the year by getting Covid the week before Christmas. 2024 also saw me selling our family home of 52 years and downsizing to a small level ranchstyle house. It was only by God's grace and the help of friends and my kids that the move happened. And the new house brought the painter from hell who had to re-paint three times before he finally got the mess corrected. In the process, he ruined my dishwasher by washing his equipment in it, washed some type of clay down the drain and flooded the kitchen and clogged the pipes. The new carpet brought the discovery of asbestoss tile under the old carpet along with black mold. In between dealing with all of this was the spend down for Medicaid and gathering all the many papers necessary to file…and being rejectd twice before finally getting DH accepted. Some days all I wanted to do was sit beside DH in his MC room an have him hold me and tell me he loved me. Goodbye 2024! I survived you by the grace of God. 2025 finds me grateflul but tired.

Brenda

> @Buggytoo said:
> For those of us who placed our loved ones in MC in 2024, the New Year represents the first year we are no longer providing care 24/7. Nonetheless, we experience sadness, worry, and exhaustion as we struggle to reinvent our lives. We cared for our loved ones for so long until we truly couldn't anymore. We don't miss their agitation, meanness, confusion, outbursts, and incontinence. But we miss our daily connection and the occasional brilliant moments of understanding. Our next job is to navigate our way to a new meaningful life filled with compassion and caring but freed from the heavy weight of Alzheimer's care. Who are we without the daily struggle of loving care for our Alzheimer's spouses?

I placed my husband in MC Dec 28th. Hardest thing I've ever done but friends and family assure me it was the right move. Now I'm living alone in a city far away from friends and family and I feel completely lost.

I placed my DH in MC in late September, after a two-week inpatient hospitalization for medication management. This holiday season has been so sad, and I am so relieved that it is over. I see him every day, and am fortunate to live in a Continuing Care Retirement Community where the MC is actually connected to the complex where I have my apartment. I don't have to drive to see him, and can walk over any time. It is heart-breaking on so many levels, and I doubt that I will ever be over the trauma that dementia has brought into our lives. This forum is a life-saver, and you all have provided support in so many ways. Bless you all, and let's have the happiest New Year we possibly can! Many, many hugs to you!

I, too, placed my husband in MC in late April. This was very traumatic at first. He "blew up my phone" with text messages at first, but with the "disappearance" of the phone that has been better. We found out when my DS was trying to use his laptop that he had all kinds of pornographic material and had done some things that are borderline illegal, including potentially abusing our daughter. It was like an earthquake had upended my life to realize that the person I was closest to had done such terrible things. The anger and guilt are almost too much to bear. I have found myself unable to visit him since we found out about this. If I did, I would have to pretend that I didn't know about the bad behavior because he probably doesn't even remember it himself, or will have some crazy explanation. It's robbed me of any kind of closure. I'm grieving for the life I thought I had, and the harm he brought to both of our children, unbeknownst to me. I'm also feeling like a widow, but without the support that comes when one's spouse dies.

The good news is that, according to the MC staff, he has adjusted well and according to them is a "model resident" now. I'm happy to hear this, but at the same time it's almost too much to believe that the man who was screaming and throwing things at me on a regular basis is now behaving as one of the best in the facility. It seems so unfair.

Thanks for letting me put this out there. As my cousin said at Thanksgiving, when one "outsources" the physical care that doesn't mean the work of recovering is done.