Having a massive attack of guilt

I think you should consider making arrangements to be present for the move. You should be there to support your sibling, and to help with the physical move.

I do not subscribe to the "drop loved ones off and don't have contact for two weeks" outlook. I think it is helpful to pop in briefly for the first 3-4 days. You can observe their set up, and can buy whatever items they may need. Labels, organizers. For example, my dad needed directions for his new TV set up. My dad was very nervous about his first shower, and I was able to buy him a better robe. Staff will have questions about their care, and you can offer background information. This also sends a message to the facility that this is a resident who is supported by their family, and you have high expectations.

Your mom may be mad at both of you. She is entitled to her feelings and the time needed to process them. Just tell her that you love her, matter what. Use the fiblet that her doctor is who recommended this change. Get the story straight with your sibling.

I did the tough it out with my moM and she called the cops and told them she is being held against her will. Pls go with your gut. You don’t have to answer all the time but do what feels right.

I had my mom originally placed in AL in a facility 30 minutes away from me. She was there for 3 months and then I knew she needed MC. The drive was taking a toll on me and so I moved her to a facility 6 minutes away and I cannot say enough how distance matters. I understand your sibling will be taking on the visits as she will be out of state now. I would have a convo with them about popping in frequently and at different times to really understand the care given. My mom is at a better known upscale facility and I still have to be on top of her care.

I wish you, your mom and your sibling and easy move. I think the very best thing you can do is make sure the facility is treating your mom well. This, more than anything, will help her and improve her quality of life.

My mom went to Assisted Living in stage 4/5, and after about 8 months moved to memory care. I’ve regretted none of it. Our society makes it seem like we should all be caring for our parents at home but in many cases like mine where there aren’t big extended families that’s just not possible. Or even desirable. My mom would be alone with an aide all day.

What IS possible is making sure your loved one is treated well and cared for. That’s where I’ve put all my effort, and it really has paid off. When my mom was less far along, a fancy AL/MC with beautiful furniture and little care was fine. When she advanced they basically said they couldn’t care for her and we had to move. I looked at a million (5) places and chose the best one. It’s been the best decision.

We can’t stop the progression. My mom makes less and less sense lately. But she is not depressed. I visit a lot, she knows her fellow residents. They all seem to accept each other in a way that literally brings me to tears sometimes. It’s not anything like a horror show. The staff really know what they’re doing and actually seem to enjoy the residents.

I have a friend whose mom stayed at home the whole journey with lots of care, and was miserable, even suicidal - and they wouldn’t have it any other way. No regrets. There are so many “right” ways to do this but it starts with making sure you’re loved one is safe and cared for.

Check in with your sibling and visit soon, when you can. Let us know how the move goes.

I also thought my mom would think of it as betrayal. And yes at first I got the calls where she was screaming at my voicemail. Fast forward a month in, she seemed okay. Even enjoying it. Then a couple months later and she thinks she is at my sisters house still and somehow has blended the facility and her old home into one. She will say she is the facility and she knows she’s there now but wants to know when my sister is coming home bc she doesn’t want to be alone forever. Idk. It’s quite possible your mom might believe she is at home after a few weeks. I almost wonder if it’s a survival mechanism our brain is wired to do….to keep us safe. It has to believe it is safe to turn off the sympathetic nervous system

You can know how she's doing by calling the nurses station and asking. The information you will get from them will be much more objective than the information you get from your mother.

For instance, if your mom is participating in a "name that tune" game in the day room and you call the desk, you will hear that she had a good breakfast and got cleaned up and is participating in a group activity. If you call your mom, even if you can hear the people around her, she might say that they're ignoring her and everyone hates her, or whatever her momentary feelings are at the moment she is distracted from the activity she was participating in.

Fundamentally the task before both you and you mom is to trust the staff at the facility you have chosen. If you trust them, calling the desk can provide reassurance. If you do not trust them, you will also not trust their statement that she is adjusting well, or what issues she is experiencing.

My Mom called the police in her 8th week in AL (almost 9th). The staff was able to intercept, but she ended up having a bad day that entire day. It was quite a challenge to get her to settle down after that incident.

She was hoping to get out that way by telling the police she was being held without her will, etc.

The facility called me to try to calm her down. She eventually accepted her prn medication (which she initially refused), but that ended up being just one of many issues that day.

In hindsight, she had a rough night the night before. We don’t think she swallowed her nighttime meds, as she had been up for most of the night with insomnia. She was texting me comments full of rage, threatening to get out, and expressing her anger toward me for “putting her there” and claiming it was elder abuse, etc.

The only time she was inactive on her phone was between 3-6am. Yes, she still texts. It’s full of spelling errors, looping accusations, begging and threats, but she still has her phone. From what people have shared here, I’m likely going to have to remove her phone sooner rather than later. I am coming to realize we all will be better without it. It’s not helping her (or any of us). But, this is for another thread.

In any case, the quality of sleep matters when it comes to their behavior the next day! No doubt.

But, my point was to share it took nearly 9 weeks for her to make that call and get the police on the line (since you had asked @kblau that question)…

In the end, it turned out OK, so don’t worry.

So many challenges for all of us! Every day is a new adventure. Every time I put out one fire, it seems another one shows up.

Yesterday, the facility called me to report a resident witnessed her having a BM in front of the elevator. 😔 Seems like it never ends...

I called her to calmly ask her about it, and she completely denied it.

I’m still processing this one.

Sorry for getting off topic here…

In any case, I’m very grateful to have this community, and feeling a little embarrassed to hit ‘post’, but here it goes...

You are not alone. We are all in this together.

Merla - I took over as POA a year ago, when my sister couldn’t put her in a facility. It was time. And like your mom she is 72. She lived w my sister prior. You are doing the right thing. Even if she is in another state - you still talk to her and are involved. I see my mom just about everyday. Her facility is in my town. It’s hard. It’s hard bc I feel like she’s right there, I should go and check on her. But it’s taxing on me and my family. And tbh she doesn’t remember when I come. I write it in a notebook that she carries around.

She may never get angry at you for this. The fact she hasn’t yet is a good sign. When my mom called the cops 10 days in, it was because Her roommate moved in and her roommate was exit seeking.

Give it time. The initial adjustment is hard. But it somehow works out.

I would also suggest diffusing her if she ever says she wants to go home by asking her questions like - I know mom. What do you miss about home? Let her talk. Let her get it out. You’ll be surprised by how much this works…

Hi Merla, I know this is jumping in late into the game. You can't help feeling guilty and second-guessing yourself. "Did I make the right decision?" "Were things really as bad as they seemed before I placed her?" Others here have posted rightly that by the time you place an LO, they needed placement much earlier. This was true in our situation, but because of COVID, I could not have placed her sooner. What I found to be the best way out of the cycle of guilt I had in placing my DW was that her safety was seriously in question and I, alone, could not keep her safe even with caregivers coming to my home. I prayed and prayed. Our adult daughter and I talked about it for quite a long time. We made the decision together.

After DW was admitted to MC, she never called the police but would call me several times a day with a detailed scenario she concocted to convince me she was unsafe. The facility she was in at the time was still locked down at the tail end of COVID, and I could not visit her. They arranged FaceTime calls, though, and the staff contacted me as often as necessary. I could also call in often. I knew underneath the guilty feelings that crept in ours was the right decision.

A lot of prayer and focusing on why we made the placement decision helped tremendously in getting past the guilt. DW was NOT happy when she had to stop driving. She was NOT at all happy when I placed her. Both of those things HAD to happen for her care and safety.