Spending regularly

Audrey22 · January 7

Hello all,

My husband was diagnosed two years ago with cognitive impairment, most likely Alzheimers.

We have had some rough periods of time involving obsessions which have passed mostly.

We moved to a very small house to help us afford to live as we don't have much at all financially. I have made budgets for us but DH refuses to look at them. I am 72 and he is 80 years old and I have various jobs to keep us going. DH will go out and come back with all sorts of things we don't need. Our tiny house is filled up with yard sale purchases (by him). We got an insulated shed for my art studio but that is full of tables we don't need so I teach two classes from the kitchen counter via Zoom.

I do have a call in to Spectrum Generations to talk about how to handle the money.

My DH also wants to build cabins on our property/ a pole barn and various other projects we cannot afford. He calls people to come and give quotes. He often forgets and so I do just go with the flow (sometimes!) and hope for the best.

He is happy pottering around in the yard though it looks awful - things moved from here to there and then back again, half done projects. Now the house is pretty terrible also - I try to breathe deep and think we have a roof over our heads.

Does anyone have experience of something like this situation?

Carl46 · January 8

I think accumulating is pretty common in PWDs. For that matter, accumulating is an American disease, as evidenced by the fact that a large percentage of the population rents storage sheds and park in the driveway because their garages are full of junk.

I have found it necessary to take control of the family finances. My wife's purse has no money, credit cards, or checkbook. She complains about that sometimes, while she is complaining about having no car to drive, no job, etc. but she can't manage money. You are going to have to do the same, if you are to keep a roof over your head. He can't do it anymore, and every household needs at least one adult. By default, you have to be the one adult.

--Rebecca-- · January 8

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. At least he is getting yard sale finds and not more expensive things. I think this is common, and you are going to have to take the lead. You will need to take the lead with your household and your finances. Lock down the money. It sounds like you are already working on that. Lower his his credit card's spending limit.

My parents always were putter-ers. They always wanted a project going. In their later years, it caused problems. The kind you are talking about. I thought it was cruel to waste contractors' time. So I called them back and canceled appointments after my parents called for quotes . Also, there was at least one time they were scammed by a shady "repair man."

Take back your shed. Move the tables out and reclaim your space. Tell your husband you need more money and need to sell the tables. Can you have him refinish or paint one of the tables for resell or donation? You can chunk it into smaller steps. Like, "Can you sand this table for me? I've never been good at sanding." If he is able to refinish a table, take it to a consignment shop and let them resell it. Even if you need to pretend like the table was sold, he will feel accomplished from earning money. It sounds like he needs to stay busy, and you can try to direct him.

Give him smaller quests for yard sales. Tell him you really want napkin rings or needle nose pliers. Something small and inexpensive. It's ok to start moving things out of the house. This is where the "fiblets" come into play. Tell him you are making a donation to a family who's house burned down.

M5M · January 8

welcome, Audrey…this is a situation where you need to impose some limits on things. These are difficult decisions, and it is typically easier if you just make the necessary changes without discussing with him. You have made an excellent start in recognizing the financial situation and addressing that.

It sounds as if DH is still driving if he goes out by himself. Please search on here for discussion about concerns regarding driving. Then, also, you have the spending. How does he have money or credit cards? You need to adjust bank accounts if he still has access. There are detailed discussions on here about banking , too.

A few of the quick things to do: Give him only limited amounts at any one time. He should not have access to any financial accounts. You may have to use some fiblets/excuses why he can’t access the bank account, something like “the bank is changing to a new computer system for our account…” if you regularly dole out funds, adjust that amount down significantly. If he doesn’t have cash he can’t buy as much. You probably need to accompany him on his outings….

To find very informative discussions on your questions, back up to the first page where the title is “. Caring for a spouse or partner”…….look right under that for the empty line labeled “Search”, enter something like “ Bank Accounts” or “Handling Finances”.

Best wishes. We have all made these hard decisions, you have down well by downsizing. Unfortunately the decisions just keep coming at you!

Audrey22 · January 8

Thank you all so much for this feedback, it is very appreciated.

Bailey's Mom · January 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71711/spending-regularly

Audrey, My husband is a serial hoarder…learned it from his mother. I have to walk through my house with blinders on…it is absolutely a mess and very depressing since I am pretty much a minimalist, plus I NEVER have anyone in my house because it can't be cleaned up. I would like to move but the enormity of making it a reality are too daunting…the last time we moved…6 yrs ago…it just about did me in (I am 76). But…I'm really interested in your art. I am an artist and my studio is full of stored junk that we will never need, but I do manage to have enough room to put up and easel and paint. I have, however, lost all of my contact with other artists as I can't be active in the art league because he is so jealous of my painting…constantly brings up how my priorities are misplaced and I am just concerned about what shade of blue to use instead of the important things that he is focused on…the collapse of the dollar and the global economy, etc, etc. Anyway, I hope you can reclaim you art studio and I would love to see your work…I would post my website address but don't know if that is allowed. It would be nice to connect to a fellow artist who is going through the same things.

Russinator · January 8

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

Iris L. · January 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233379#Comment_233379

You can message each other privately.

mrsdee13 · January 9

Wow, a lot of this sounds too familiar. My DH is a hoarder. It drives me crazy because you would think we live in the 1950's. Clothes he can't wear and doesn't need. These are items he'll never use but won't give away. The house is so cluttered with crap it's sickening. He hasn't received a definitive diagnosis yet but has all the symptoms. I am slowly removing some of this junk when he's not looking. It's getting hard because he's home all the time. I would suggest trying what I'm doing slowly, taking little bites, and getting rid of that stuff. If you can sell it for a few dollars, great; it is better than throwing it in the trash. I wish you luck. You are the adult here.

Biggles · January 9

How very interesting art or creating something is so much more interesting than the problems we are all facing. It’s so hard to keep going doing something for ourselves. I make upmarket boho handbags, I am now restricted to one outlet, but it is the best one in town, I also sell on line but I don’t have the time to be proactive. Don’t give up, hang on to something for yourself, something that makes you feel good. Don’t worry about all the junk, or the hoarding, just create when your DH sleeps, breathe again and keep going, there has to be an end.

JDancer · January 9

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Dementia is life changing. As others have mentioned, you will have to take over everything. Two years in, he probably isn't safe to drive. Please search "driving" on these forums. The changes in functioning can be subtle, but at some point he won't be safe alone.

Audrey22 · January 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233379#Comment_233379

Thank you for this - it is comforting to know others are navigating a situation like mine. I too like order and so am having to come to terms with mess.

I hope you can paint - I know when I do I feel so much more human and in touch with my own self not the needs of DH. I hope you get to contemplate many colors of blue… My DH also disparages me and my natural gifts - which are not connected to making big money. I did try to train as a realtor (what DH should have done and did do at one stage of his life) but it was so alien to me and I decided I would rather remain a poor creative type. My website is Audarts.net and most of the art on there is from demo's when I am teaching via Zoom.

Audrey22 · January 10

Thank you - yes a gradual remove is what I have been thinking about!

Audrey22 · January 10

So very helpful everyone - thank you so much for taking the time to respond.

Birdie456 · January 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233379#Comment_233379

Hi Bailey's Mom. I can totally relate to your feelings of too much stuff caving in on you. I felt that way after our son and four parents died and we had all their stuff in our house. Since then, we moved once and got rid of a lot. Just recently, in September, we moved again and really downsized a lot. My MCI husband was having cancer surgery, and I was going to a bazillion doctor appointments with him. I found out that there is such a thing as a "Senior Move Manager"! I hired someone who helped me organize, pack, get rid of, move, and unpack. She was a lifesaver! Best money I ever spent. Our move went so smoothly!

You can find someone to help you move through the National Association of Senior and Specialty Move Managers, NASMM, (https://www.nasmm.org/find-a-move-manager/).

I need to move only two or three more times to reduce his stuff to where I want it! 😂

Bailey's Mom · January 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233498#Comment_233498

Birdie, Thanks for that tip…have never heard of a service like that. As long as DH is at home it won't work for me, though. He refuses to have any help with moving…doesn't ever think that maybe I can't or don't want to hold up my end of a refrigerator or couch anymore. If it were up to me I would hire someone to do the whole thing! I try to throw things away when I can (used plastic bottles, boxes, etc)…have to hide them in my art studio and then throw them out when he's in the bathroom. I used to be able to take some things to the garbage when I walked the dog, but now he accompanies me so that is out. It is such a mess that I don't think I can ever clean it up. 😑

Spending regularly

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories