Torn and heartbroken

Alzwife_24 · January 10

Hello all.

I am coming to ask advise and what others have done. I have been advised by my hubby's doctor that it may be wise to get a divorce. What?!?!? Heart is not accepting that. They stated it was so that the state doesn't take all our assets for his care. If we do it now, it is early and they won't override it.

Have others been advised this by the doctors? That means everything goes in my name and we file taxes separately?

Hubby was just diagnosed at 55 with early Alzheimer's and is currently still working, although he is thinking of retiring soon. He is currently highly functioning, just minor issues with memory that others would really need to know he has this to notice.

Any wisdom from this group would be welcomed.

Thanks, Alzwife

Quilting brings calm · January 10

please do not take legal advice from a doctor. Contact an elder care lawyer. What state are you in?

CindyBum · January 10

I would definitely not settle with legal advice from a doctor, even though he may be right. And, the Dr may well be correct for your state.

Please do a search for a Certified Elder Law Attorney (CELA) and discuss this with them. They can advise you appropriately and also handle the paperwork. It may cost you up front, but the measure of comfort I gained from doing it was worth the expense to me.

Jazzma · January 10

I echo the comments above. Please don't make such a huge and heartbreaking decision without legal advice. CELA lawyers aren't cheap but the advice is so valuable it's worth it. There are ways to shelter your assets while remaining married. I learned a lot that contradicted what I thought was true. Wishing you all the best in this painful journey.

Carl46 · January 10

The doctor was correct - for 1975. The laws have changed since then, and you need to talk to a lawyer about how to arrange your financial affairs.

BrownB1996 · January 10

Wow, I am so sorry to hear that response from your physician! I would echo the comments that have responded here and would like to add additionally: Start having the more difficult conversations about his wishes for end-of-life care as well. It is best to have these conversations while he is still able to make those decisions for himself, so that you have the confidence to advocate for him when he is no longer able to express them. This can be an incredibly difficult decision if you are having to guess what he may have wanted.
Look into your local laws regarding estate planning and probate and obtain all the necessary power-of-attorney documentation that you can. Update his will, things of that nature.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you and your loved one and please remember that the Association's 24/7 Helpline is always there to help you throughout every step of your journey.

Biggles · January 10

Oh my goodness what awful advice from a doctor. Over the years we end up hearing a lot of heartless interfering advice from professionals. Listen to those who have responded to your questions and listen to your heart and protect you and your DH. You are his and your protector. Take care.

Alzwife_24 · January 10

Thank you all. We are in Iowa. I will get in touch with a lawyer to investigate further.

Arrowhead · January 11

While he is still capable of making his own decisions, I suggest you contact a lawyer for a Revocable Trust. Have him appoint a Durable Power of Attorney; I suggest you. He should also get a Medical Directive, Living Will and HIPAA.

whodat · January 12

Divorce might be an avenue if you have less than five years before he needs to go to a facility where you cannot bear the expense but have too many resources to qualify for Medicaid. If you can see your way past five years, then an irrevocable trust would protect the assets. In any event, talk to a lawyer who has experience dealing with this issue.

Victoriaredux · January 18

You also need to talk with a lawyer ASAP to be sure you maximize your husband's benefits. If he gets fired for cause versus taking disability leave to try to keep any medical or pension benefits for your family. You can't count on him reporting or noticing if they are already documenting him out the door.

Retirement may or may not provide the best long term benefits vs disability until normal retirement age . Medicare kicks in sooner if on disability etc. A lawyer can advise the best approach. Don't discuss it with any of his co-workers, just get legal advise asap. You don't want to lose any options .

CarolinaWren · January 18

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233570#Comment_233570

I just saw a lawyer this week. It was really helpful to get solid information. We discussed options including divorce.

blacksparky · January 18

I agree with everyone here, don’t get legal advice from a doctor just as you would not want medical advice from a lawyer. My wife also is 55 and was diagnosed 2 years ago with EO. We moved from California to Minnesota about 3 years ago. After her diagnosis, I researched costs and Eligibility for Medicaid and found out that California as of 1/1/24 no longer has a cap on assets and they only use her income to qualify her for Medi-Cal. I get to keep my income and all assets. Even though we loved Minnesota, it was a no brainer to move back to California. We’re not quite ready for Medi-Cal but are relieved that we won’t lose everything to pay for help or MC.

Torn and heartbroken

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