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Separating Mom & Dad

cbsully12
cbsully12 Member Posts: 3
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in Caring for a Parent
Hi y'all. My sister and I are navigating next steps for Mom and Dad. They both have ALZ. Mom is much further along in her journey, she is 80. Dad is 87. They are both in AL but Mom's needs have grown significantly and Dad prevents the caregivers from coming in due to privacy and pride. His sense of logic is dwindling and my sister and I know it is time to place Mom in MC. They would still be in the same facility but we are struggling on how to make Dad feel like he is a part of the decision. Any ideas, guidance and/of support would be amazing. Thank you
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  • harshedbuzz
    harshedbuzz Member Posts: 4,699
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    @cbsully12

    Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place.

    In a situation like this, I might be inclined to present it as "doctor's orders" rather than a choice family is making. This would allow you to validate his feelings rather than fight with him about it. It might help to present it as temporary until mom is doing better.

    Sometimes when a couple who both have dementia are separated it becomes obvious how much scaffolding each provides the other. Dad might not remember after a time that he wasn't involved. When we moved dad to a new home with mom, he bragged about having made the purchase. In reality, mom and I toured, she bought it, I managed the move while they stayed in a hotel and then we sprung it on him as a fait accompli.

    HB

  • --Rebecca--
    --Rebecca-- Member Posts: 56
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    I'm so sorry you are facing these hard decisions. I think saying it was "doctors orders" is good advice. Can your dad go from AL side to MC side to visit? Maybe a volunteer can help him visit after lunch, when there is no caregiving for him to interfere with. Do you get to participate in a MC care plan? If so, please see if a daily visit can be accomodated. I hope for a gentle transition for them both.

  • cbsully12
    cbsully12 Member Posts: 3
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/233837#Comment_233837

    He will have access to Momma for daily visits, which makes my heart happy. I appreciate your thoughts/suggestions.

  • cbsully12
    cbsully12 Member Posts: 3
    First Comment
    Member

    Thank you Rebecca, it means a lot that you are sharing your response and you are spot on about the scaffolding!

  • --Rebecca--
    --Rebecca-- Member Posts: 56
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    Cbsully12 you are welcome. I faced similar issues with my parents. My dad interfered with my mom's care. Even though I paid for advanced care, he would not let anyone help her. Being her caregiver gave him purpose, but it caused him to have anxiety and aggression.

    If you could find a way to let your dad bring something small to your mom each day, it will help him feel like he is still taking care of her. (Like a Hershey's miniature.)

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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