How to help loved one adapt to memory care

@Merla said

My parent went into memory care a couple of days ago. How can family assist in her adapting to memory care? I live out of state but my sibling is nearby as are my parent's siblings. I would like her siblings involved in her care as much as they want to be because it's such a big job for just one person.

Probably the best thing you can do, is to given mom and her new caregivers the time and space to get to know one another. Many MCFs suggest a blackout period of 2-4 weeks to allow the PWD to bond with her new carers and settle into the routine of the facility. The staff can assist with this and fill your family's "point person" in on how she's doing.

Right now she is very angry with my sibling and blames him for betraying her and dropping her off at memory care. She thinks I'm going to rescue her from this place and the staff told me on the phone to let her think this.

Your sibling might be a visual trigger at this stage. It might be best to avoid for a time. If sibling is going to visit, it would be best to bring along someone mom might showtime/behave around. If this isn't possible, keep all visits to a public area of the building to avoid being dragged to her room to be verbally excoriated. If mom starts to get agitated, the visitor needs to excuse themselves and leave asap.

They had my sibling take her suitcase home so she wouldn't spend her time packing her bags. The MCF discouraged cell phone use particularly in the first days as their calls usually aren't productive. I had a few short phone calls with her and told her I would call the front desk or nurse if her phone died.

I wouldn't call for a while. I wouldn't encourage anyone else to either.

What does one say when they asked to be rescued from MC? As POA I am the one who could get her out which she knows now. I think that the facility is very obligated to communicate this. For now I haven't broken it to her that I'm not rescuing her as I'm hoping to let her anger subside and give her the chance to adapt a bit.

I'd avoid the calls entirely for a while. If it does come up later, tell her the doctor has ordered this stay and will determine when she can go home.

So my plan to help her adapt is to have a brief phone call with on a regular basis (maybe every other day). I think that this will prevent her from getting overly agitated and calling the police which is my biggest fear as I think this would be a traumatic event for everyone.

This is probably 180 degrees from what you should do. Her sense of time and short-term memory are likely such that discriminating between every-other-day and 3-times-a-day is beyond her. Let her phone die.

I was going to arrange for her to get her hair cut and colored which she needs badly as she is used to having her hair colored but got out of the routine due to so many moves.

If they have a visiting stylist, this would be an excellent idea. Mani/pedi, too, if they offer such.

I was going to highlight the daily activities which she would be more likely to engage in so the staff can focus their effort in getting her involved in the community.

If you have a sense of what activities might appeal— exercise class or perhaps music— do communicate that to staff. They like to have residents out of their rooms as much as possible during the day.

What can I say to make memory care more palatable to her? I was thinking of telling her to help all the "old people" similar to how Martha Stewart made her prison time productive. She is an exerciser so maybe she could get a few residents walking the building with her.

I think comparing MC to Martha Stewart being in prison is a terrible idea. If she's not already calling the place prison, why sow that seed? I doubt there is anything you could tell her over the phone right now that will change her thinking.

What role should her siblings play? Should they call her? The good thing about her siblings is that they are blameless for her situation so their visits or calls will be well received.

I'd be very careful of siblings and older friends. IME, they side with the PWD. Unless you have some "unicorn" aunts and uncles who feel their sister needs MC, you risk them calling you to play armchair quarterback or worse- riling your mom up with how awful her children are being to her. I had an aunt and uncle who spent too much time "advising" me on dad's care and I wasn't even the POA. Mom's sister wanted me to stop all of dad's medical care and place him as soon as he was diagnosed and dad's brother (who rarely visited despite me opting to place dad in a MCF in his town rather than mine so he couldn't complain I made it inconvenient) called to complain about everything. He spent more time pissing in my ear than he did seeing dad.

On a plus side in some ways she is already doing better than she was with my sibling in that before she was spending all day in her room watching tv, and now she is at least talking to people, walking, eating with other people.

This is all wonderful news. You and your sib must have made a very good choice in terms of the facility. Focus on that. You are doing this for her— not to her.

HB

@Merla

"Old people" is a common complaint among those in MC. FWIW, my dad complained constantly about the "old people" in his MC, too. At 84, he was one of them but unable to appreciate that. Lord only knows what he saw when he looked in the mirror.

HB

Hello my name is Jahron, my mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few months back while she was living with me. She is now in a long term facility because her condition worsened significantly after a rush to the emergency room. She has been at this facility for a little over a month now so I can only give you a little of what I know about her adjusting to the facility. Here is my opinion it takes time for them to adjust to their new environment and staff. Eventually things will settle down as they build up a routine and a relationships with the staff there. You can let her know that she is at this facility to get better, and to make sure that she is safe. Her siblings role in her transition are whatever her siblings want to do for your and how they want to spend time with her. I think they should call and visit (if they want to) and a have an understanding of what the disease is before they go, so there will be no hard feelings about what may be said or done. It takes time but I definitely always refer back to day one when I dropped her off and how far she has come so far. Pray everything gets better with time.

In my opinion she may believe she is just fine and does not understands what she is doing. Yes I believe there is trauma because I think they in some ways understand who they once were but can’t externalize that outwardly. I think it’s just early in the stay and it will get better with time. Personal cell phone use could be detrimental unless you can somehow put parental controls on the phone.