Accusations - how to handle

hfredriksen · January 28

Hi all, I’m new to this forum. I read many posts from others and felt this is a safe place to ask my question. My Mom is beginning stage dementia and has been accusing me of something. Everyone in our family knows it isn’t true and so do all of her friends. My question is - what do I do when she accuses me? I’m not a liar, I’ve tried just listening, she gets mad. I’ve tried diverting, works for a while, but she comes back to it. It’s impacted my desire to be around her. Deep down I know this isn’t her but it still hurts. Any/all ideas appreciated

hfredriksen · January 28

SusanB-dil · January 28

Hi hfredriksen - I understand the hurt and not wanting to be around her.

All we can do is try to apologize and see if that works. You say she comes back around to it, so it sounds like it is something she is fixated on. I hate it when that happens! MIL will let it go for a while, and then…. dang it, we are on a roll with 'that issue' again.

Do tell her doc. There are meds that can dial back the aggression and her being upset without becoming zombied. MIL has literally screamed at me and I am not the one able to calm her down like DH (her son) can.

Shenmama99 · January 28

hi there. Going through something similar. Moms starting to get easily annoyed with me. I’m her primary caregiver. She’s always questioning me about her money. My sisters can look at accounts anytime they want and I’m always showing mom her accounts. It’s really hard to not take it personally and get angry. This has been a nightmare for me and my family. I feel bad wishing it would end. Hang in there. This all really sucks.

hfredriksen · January 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235170#Comment_235170

thanks. I am sorry you are having a similar issue. I had not thought about asking the doctor about her meds. I might try that as a step. She may go for weeks without bringing it up and then out of the blue she will accuse me again. One time I just listened and when I didn’t respond (we were on the phone), she said “did you hear me”? I said “yep” and she hung up. Super hurtful and I know she can’t help it but it feels so real to me….

Mint · January 31

I dealt with similar things. I found the best solution was not to talk and it still is. I goof up once in a while but I quickly get myself straightened out. It made my mom very mad at first but I persisted. Once in a while she would try to force me to talk. But I would just say to her mom I don’t have anything to say and I’m just going to let you talk. She got used to that also I did not allow the things she said to me bother me. Does not mean that I’d liked to hear it. But I tried to remember that maybe she was not in control of it or responsible for what she said and that helped me too be OK with it. For myself being OK with it was much better than being angry about it. I did not want to be angry about it , anger is not good for me and it doesn’t help anything at all. Hope you will be able to find a way that you can deal with it and it not be as hard, it’s never easy.

H1235 · January 31

I don’t know that I have any great suggestions. We did put mom on medication, but I am really the only one she gets mad at. My mom is angry with me about a lot of things (moving her to AL, not taking her to her house, not letting her get a full size toaster oven, not letting her get a new phone) some that I haven’t done (changing her healthcare provider). I have tried to explain, but I find it really does no good. I usually tell her we can change the subject or I can leave. I usually end up leaving. I don’t get mad, it just hurts. Add on to that a brother she believes can do no wrong, but does very little to help. I also feel like the dementia brings out her worst qualities. So it’s hard to know what is her and what is dementia. It breaks my heart that the last years of her life will be spent thinking I have miss treated her. I hate it!

Mint · January 31

just want to clarify, in case I wasn’t clear before because I don’t think I was. I do still talk to my mom just not when she gets on subjects that’s gonna lead to an argument. I refuse to argue I just be quiet. I just didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t talking to her at all

member1201 · January 31

I’m somewhat new to this and also dealing with anger, agitation and being accused for many things by Mom who is declining rapidly.

I try different approaches and sometimes they work, sometimes they don’t. It is difficult to remember it’s the disease and not her (advice from this community) I feel like it’s very much trial and error.

I have learned to take things that don’t belong to me simply because it’s easier than arguing they are in fact hers-clothes, cooking utensils and other things she doesn’t recognize. Other times apologizing or agreeing seems to help but not always. I will try the just not talking approach. Seeing other people’s ideas and strategies help too!

Grateful for this community!

Accusations - how to handle

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just want to clarify, in case I wasn’t clear before because I don’t think I was. I do still talk to my mom just not when she gets on subjects that’s gonna lead to an argument. I refuse to argue I just be quiet. I just didn’t want anyone to think I wasn’t talking to her at all

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