How can I stop his lectures...he is driving me crazy!

Bailey's Mom · January 30

My HWD has always gone on and on about things and lectured for hours if he could get away with it…people would actually ask me if he has an 'off button'. Now, with alz, he is unbearable.

After 2 relatively normal days…no major meltdowns anyway…he has had 2 days of constant ranting, raving and lecturing…for 5 and 6 hrs at a time, several times a day. He went on all day yesterday until 9:00 pm and started in at 6:00 this morning and is still at it…6 hrs and counting. He hates me today because I won't move to Puerto Rico to escape the us govt, and thinks I am stingy, stupid, clueless, etc… I haven't found a way to stop him without him going into an even more angry rage. Honestly, I don't see anyway to escape this and don't know what to do.

Was wondering if anyone else goes through this and if they have any suggestions?

Russinator · January 30

((HUGS))

jfkoc · January 30

Sounds very difficult but I do have a thought.

Your husband is not alone with wanting to leave this country after the last election. would it be possible to acknowledge his concerns and then proceed with a conversation centered on how moving to Puerto Rico could happen. Perhaps a list of pros and cons, a discussion of where in Puerto Rico and pros and cons. I would include things like moving costs, medical care and any thing else relevant like travel back and forth to see friends and family.

Listen and ask reasonable questions. Smile, nod and say hmm….

Distraction is actually best used after acknowledgement. We all want to think we are being heard.

Bailey's Mom · January 30

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235319#Comment_235319

That is an idea, although before I can say a word he argues the other side…'of course you don't want to move…you want to stay here with the cows…you're stupid and have your head under a rock…you only think about yourself, etc.' Neither one of us has been to Puerto Rico but he heard someone say online that everyone likes it. He's extremely happy with the outcome of the election, so that's not it. He thinks the govt is out to get us and always wants to move because he thinks it will finally make him happy…plus it would remove me from any friends I have left and any contact with my family. He has never had any friends and is estranged from his family so it is not an issue for him.

Thanks for the input…I'll give it a try, anyway…will try anything at this point.

JeriLynn66 · January 30

? Meditation adjustment?? Is that a possibility or consideration? Also, sending hugs to you ❤️

Bailey's Mom · January 30

I have an appt with our PCP tomorrow so will discuss it with her. She has prescribed Sertraline for him but I haven't been able to pick it up yet. Hopefully it will help, but his problems are so deep seated and partially coming from his childhood and being raised by an unstable, violent mother, so it may not. I am just worn down and totally depressed at the moment.

CindyBum · January 30

Oh, that would be prompting me to seek medical intervention for him. That's too much and you shouldn't have to live that way.

KathyF1 · January 31

My husband up until a year ago would also talk incessantly. Drove me absolutely crazy so I completely understand! Meds! He takes Seroquel and Klonozopen. The sedative effect calms him. You have to get a break, we are only human and that behavior took me to the breaking point. Ask the doc to prescribe something that will calm him, it will save you.

Audrey22 · January 31

So difficult but I hope the PCP can give some helper drugs - that he might take.

You have to have some respite…

If he won't take them maybe PCP can suggest ways of getting them into him (in his ice cream? am naughty to suggest this)

jfkoc · January 31

Sorry…I made a quantum leap about the election. I have been hearing so much of that lately.

I still think it might help to listen to his dream and do the pros and cons. How about he plans a tip there for the two of you to see if you even like it.

My husband wanted to take the Great Books course at St John's in Santa Fe. Long story short we went…it did not pan out for him to finish but the memories are wonderful.

mcqu1616 · January 31

Thank you for retracting your comment about the election. I am new to the group and really don't want to hear anything about politics. I do feel your pain about the US Medicare system. I'm 60 and my husband at 66 was recently, finally diagnosed with primary, progressive aphasia due to Alzheimers disease after years of misdiagnosis. It took almost 3 years from his cooperation to seek medical attention to get to a final diagnosis. We have no idea what the future brings. His doctors only wanted to hear about his symptoms or issues, not what the family was seeing so they thought he had a stroke. Misdiagnosis is so common from what I've heard. What a waste of valuable time not being treated. Looking for support as I start dealing with this scary disease.

wose · January 31

My HWD is a real stinker and that’s putting it mildly. He’s on low dose Zoloft with minor change so I think increasing it is necessary. He’s mean and nasty and blames me for everything all day long. I cry, isolate, listen to music and do only the necessary things. I know I can’t keep this up much longer but I like you just don’t know what else to do. He was always indifferent and difficult but man o man has ALZ amplified all his worst qualities and took away whatever good ones he had. Thank God for our 3 story townhouse (that he tries to throw me out of) The steps are hell but the isolation is glorious. I’m so sorry 💕💙

SDianeL · January 31

It’s called chattering and it’s because of the disease. Very common. Caused by anxiety. He knows something is wrong and his world is falling apart. You are his anchor and that’s why he lectures you. You cannot stop it. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and watch Tam Cummings videos online to learn how to distract or redirect him. Also get him started on the medication which may take a few weeks to start working. My DH did it in the car. I had to stop taking him with me. He was not like that before the disease. We can’t say for sure that their current behaviors with dementia is caused by their past. We know how you feel. Also I would limit watching the news on TV and online if he’s anxious about the government. Also TV shows with violence or law enforcement shows. Many times they think they are real and it can cause delusions and hallucinations. Keep us posted.

Mint · January 31

my mother did this also but just on a different topic. I will say she never did it for that long of a a period of time. She would do it maybe all day long, but it was in spurts Probably no more than an hour. It does get very wearisome. There was no redirecting my mother, she was too smart for that she knew what you were doing. That would be great if it worked, and I know it does in some cases, but not in mine.

Sounds like you are able to get your husband to the doctor so that’s great. And I think that will be a good starting point like the others have suggested. Unfortunately my mom would not go to the doctor and was very medically noncompliant. Eventually the shoe fell and she was admitted to the hospital and I could get her placed. That has made it so much easier for me to care for her, I still consider myself her caregiver. It has made caregiving for her much easier other than the financial part. Often when I go in, her bed is made, and her hair is combed, but if they don’t have it done yet, I do it. I’m so very glad to help them out because they surely have helped me out. I see us as in it together. She adjusted really well and she is willing to do what they say. She still is her normal self and tries to pull things but they handle them well and she does what they ask though she may try them again tomorrow.I think this is something you should keep in mind in case you’re not able to find help at home because I know it’s hard to deal with. If I hadn’t had Jesus to help me I really don’t think I could’ve got through it. For me I found just being quiet, not responding worked the best of anything. Sometimes she would kind of try to force me to talk and I would just say mom I’m not going to talk. I’m gonna let you do the talking and that worked pretty well. Every once in a while, I let myself get pulled in, even now, but as soon as it happens, I know I made a mistake and I get back up on the right track.😂

Take care

Carl46 · February 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235322#Comment_235322

Antipsychotic medications are probably indicated if he has paranoid delusions. His delusions are making him miserable and you as well.

Bailey's Mom · February 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/235348#Comment_235348

Wose,

You have just described my life to a tee. Unfortunately not everyone has had years of living with a gentle, kind, fun and caring spouse and know that now this is just the disease talking. Because you have been married a long time doesn't mean that it has been all or even mostly good years. My husband is like yours…mean, nasty and blames me for everything all day long…it's exhausting and even though I have developed a thick skin it gets to me sometimes. He always was pretty much this way…just way worse now. I won't abandon him (although I think he would not take care of me in the same situation), but don't always have the best of attitudes! Sorry for the rant…felt good though!

wose · February 1

Thanks Girl, it’s nice to know someone in my boat. I don’t post much anymore because it seems like I’m making it all about me and my struggles when it should be about him. He’s just so normal that I truly think he’s conning me, which leads to lack of acceptance. But then , total mind blowing moments. I know it’s the disease and I would never in a gazillion years leave him, even think like you, he would put me away in a hot minute.( he in fact put his first wife in a mental ward) It’s just so hard dodging bullets all day and then having to put on the happy face. He doesn’t need anthing other than me cooking cleaning and bills etc..,but he’s just so mean and indifferent… deep breathe.. sorry this is so long.. I journal too bunches 💕💙

Margaret Fyfe · February 1

Similar situation here. Hang in the there and take any and every opportunity to get out and see friends and family…even though he will resent it. ❤️

ButterflyWings · February 1

It is really important to fill and start the meds when prescribed, as they often take a while to take effect, and may need to be adjusted. He can’t help it. It’s time to put the solutions in place for both of you.

Sertraline & Seroquel have made life with my LOs’ Alz, possible. The “monologue” stage almost drove me up the wall or off the cliff too.
I tried validation like jfkoc said, and then redirection & it helped a little. But oh boy did I mutter to myself under my breath while smiling & telling him, really?, wow, huh, um hmm, & positive facial expression.

A different perspective may not help you at all right now, but just sharing mine anyway: my beloved DH can barely speak at all now. The silence is deafening and makes me tear up sometimes. What I wouldn’t give for just one day of his non-stop chatter, just to hear his voice again after all these years.

I really wish I had recorded him at least once, just for a private souvenir of sorts even though you could never have convinced me I’d miss the obnoxious talking over everyone, at the time.

I’m sorry you are stressed about this; we get it. Maybe get some earbuds and turn on your favorite music or nature sounds to block some of the sound when it really gets to you? Then get him some med help. It’s possibly miserable for him too — we can’t really know (?)

harshedbuzz · February 2

Behavior is communication. It sounds as if your DH may have some long-term underlying mental health concern that has gone unaddressed. The intersection of mental illness and dementia is a special challenge.

Antipsychotics may be your best option as they can help calm the agitation that has him stuck. You may have to see a geripsych outpatient, of in if he's a threat to himself or others. Many PCP are uncomfortable prescribing stronger psychoactive meds because it isn't an area of expertise for them.

Placement is also an option for caregiving. Your well-being is as important as his.

HB

How can I stop his lectures...he is driving me crazy!

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