Taking the car keys

Bain · February 19

Hi - I'm new and this is my first post here. My 86 yo dad has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's and dementia and was told not to drive by his Neurologist at the time of diagnosis a couple of weeks ago. I took the key fobs but he found the backup manual keys. I am trying to avoid a confrontation when I take the remaining keys away. Any advice will be appreciated.

Bain

H1235 · February 19

Welcome! Some suggest disabling the car and then “taking it in for repair”. You can hope for out of site out of mind. You may have to just repeat over and over with each visit that the repairs are not done yet. I would not recommend asking for the keys or trying to explain why he can’t drive. It’s very difficult to reason with a person with dementia and should be avoided. If you can get ahold of them you might just take them. If you have to go through his dresser to find them I would do it ( safety trump’s privacy). He will think he lost them. You want to do whatever is going to cause him the least upset. I would put his mental and physical health above honesty. If a fib can make this process go more smoothly for him it’s worth it. In my opinion.

Phoenix1966 · February 19

Welcome, but sorry for your reasons for being here.

@H1235 is correct that safety trumps privacy. Driving is one of the tougher issues caregivers face, because it is such a loss of autonomy for the person with dementia. But, not only is your LO’s safety an issue, so is the safety of others on the road, be it drivers or pedestrians. Many people think that PWD “just” get lost while driving. Their reaction time and depth perception can also be affected, which can(I have witnessed it personally) lead to the death of others.

Since your father has an official diagnosis and been told not to drive, should he be involved in an accident, he will be found liable regardless of who actually caused the accident. And he will be open to lawsuits because of the diagnosis, potentially losing everything in the process.

If you have legal POA, I would, as @H1235 suggested, disappear the car and then sell it.

Bain · February 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236728#Comment_236728

Thank you!

Quilting brings calm · February 19

It’s not always possible to avoid upsetting them. You have to do certain things to keep them safe. Taking the keys has to be done. Fiblets about it are suggested to minimize confrontation. Fiblets are half truths and lies - but with the intention of not upsetting a person with dementia, who won’t understand logic or remember if you try to tell them the truth.

Marchbanks · February 21

Take the manual keys and return the key fobs but either remove the fob battery or, if you think he will notice that, replace it with a dead battery. Just ask for a dead one at any place that recycles or sells replacement batteries. Did this a couple times with my husband, he would ask me to go with him to get a new battery and each time I agreed and then just removed the new one when I got home. Eventually he gave up but it was a difficult time.

Of course you can also deaden a battery, let air out of a tire or take it to be repaired and never returned. You can also report him anonymously to the DMV and they will call him in for a driving test.

Best of luck, it’s not easy.

harshedbuzz · February 21

Bain—

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here, but pleased you found this place.

There are options in dealing with this situation, but you will be limited in what you can do based on your legal standing in the matter. Are you a dPOA or guardian?

Firstly, you are fortunate that the neurologist delivered that news rather than leaving it to family. That, however, leaves a POA/guardian exposed legally if he drives. It's also very likely his insurance would be void if he is driving with 1) a medical record of dementia or 2) AMA.

You probably can't avoid some confrontation. Driving is tied to independence and identity— especially for men of a certain age. Better to be the ally and validate his feelings of loss and anger. If can legally disappear the car, it's best to create a fiblet about being recalled for a safety issue followed by a wait for a part to do the repair. Rinse and repeat. If you are his financial POA, it might be prudent to sell as it is likely a depreciating asset. If he might need institutional Medicaid for care down the road, be aware that gifting assets could impact his eligibility.

I am sorry you are dealing with this. It was an ongoing source of frustration and anger with dad. The very last conversation I had with him hours before he passed in the secure MCF was about me bringing his car in case he needed to go somewhere.

HB

Taking the car keys

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