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delusional mother being abusive towards me

sarahkaye
sarahkaye Member Posts: 6
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in Caring for a Parent

I am so worn down by my mother's constant accusations, and although I know its a disease it still hurts so much! She doesnt have anyone else, so I am her main source of care- I get her groceries, do her hair and nails, take care of her finances, manage her meds, take her to all her appointments, and moved her singlehandedly to assisted living…I pretty much do everything for her, which adds a lot to my plate and is exhausting, but yet I am a constant target for her delusional abuse- she never thanks me for anything nor shows appreciation- (although her lack of appreciation pre dates ALZ). She has been obsessed with being 'broke/destitute' (even though she has $), and she is always accusing me of stealing things, hiding things, plotting against her, talking behind her back, etc. She used to accuse my late father of cheating (after he died 14 years ago), but that seems to be in the past now. there are several active 'story lines' involving people conspiring against her at any given time, but it seems like I take the brunt of it. Mostly this is at night and she has no recollection during the day that she called 15 times the night before with wild accusations that are so terribly hurtful to me. When we go to the Dr she seems perfectly normal, so I feel like I am in a room screaming about how horrible and abnormal this all is and no one is listening! I have no siblings or other family for support, and no one to talk to, so its super hard on me. I have had to stop answering her calls at night because they are so disturbing and hurtful to me. I keep telling myself its not real, but it still hurts me deeply. Any support anyone can provide I appreciate. I am all alone in this and feel like I am at the end of my rope :(

Comments

  • terei
    terei Member Posts: 632
    Seventh Anniversary 500 Comments 100 Insightfuls Reactions 100 Likes
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    You feel like you are at the end of your rope because you ARE at the end of your rope. Your mother is miserable + she is making you miserable. You are going to have to detach + have less contact with her.. Her behavior is not going to change, so yours must. If she is calling you, either block her number + make sure the facility knows this + does not give her access to another phone + that they will call you if she truly does need your help.

    Limit your contact as much as possible. You can handle her finances from a distance. Have all her mail coming to you, not her.You should be able to arrange the AL to handle her meds + you may even be able to set her up with a doctor that comes to the facility instead of you transporting her. Take a breath + try to figure out ways of limiting contact…the first thing is limiting phone contact.

  • Shenmama99
    Shenmama99 Member Posts: 19
    10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    So sorry you are going through this. My mom is not as aggressive as what your mom is doing to you, however I too have been accused of doing things as well. Her range of emotions is like a roller coaster. It sucks and it’s hard. I agree with terei that you need to limit your time around her. I’m finally on a schedule where I have 2 days away from my mom. I feel guilty but at the same time it’s nice to be away from it. Hang in there. The assisted living facility should offer more resources for you. ❤️

  • sarahkaye
    sarahkaye Member Posts: 6
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236753#Comment_236753

    thank you so much! That makes so much sense…especially when you said she is not going to change, so I have to. Sometimes when I am hurting it is hard to think logically and take those simple steps. I will definitely start working on changing some of those things so I can feel 'less involved' and have my own life…

  • sarahkaye
    sarahkaye Member Posts: 6
    First Comment
    Member

    thank you! I definitely can relate to the roller coaster feeling…like all pleasant and kind during the day and all dark, suspicious and accusatory at night…its like jekyl and hyde on steroids…ugh! so hard to keep up sometimes and so easily pulled into the drama of it all. I am going to have to work hard at detaching myself or at least taking some good breaks like you do!

  • Bethro23
    Bethro23 Member Posts: 1
    First Comment
    Member
    I'm so sorry. My mom keeps calling me late at night, wondering where my (deceased) father is and how to get in touch with him. They were divorced 50 years ago. Each time I tell her dad died. Should I not say that?
  • sarahkaye
    sarahkaye Member Posts: 6
    First Comment
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236797#Comment_236797

    I dont have a ton of experience with that type of thing just yet (and hopefully wont), but I have heard mixed opinions on what to say if they ask for someone that is dead…telling them the person is dead can be distressing, but its hard to explain anything else. I think others have alluded to using distraction from the topic, like just not answering that question but bringing something else up. My strategy with the late night phone calls is to no longer answer them…its too hard on me. my mom is in assisted living so I know that if something is wrong there are people there to help much better than I could late at night…

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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