Do signs work?

NatalieB · February 23

My MIL is in a MC facility. She constantly asks to go home, says her purse and keys have been stolen, and doesn’t know what to do about her car. She’ll even call to say she was in a car accident. Would putting signs up around her room help? Was thinking about making signs that say “You are home”, “you live here”, “you don’t own a purse or car”, etc. Would anything like this help? If not, any suggestions? Thx.

H1235 · February 23

I don’t think signs are going to help. In her reality she is not home and nothing you can say or write on a note is going to change that. The number one is rule don’t try to reason or argue with someone with dementia. In fact when talking with her I would suggest going along with her. Your car is in the shop, you can go home when the doctor says it’s ok, sorry to hear you were in a car accident, how are you feeling. You might try giving her one of her old purses with old keys that don’t go to anything, an old id, etc., but I really don’t think that would solve the problem. I’m sorry to say there is probably nothing you can do. Dementia is just awful. If she is getting really worked up with anxiety over these things you might ask the doctor if there is something he can give her to calm her.

SusanB-dil · February 23

Agree, it's a 'no' on the signs.

Very often, 'home' to a PWD is more a place of feeling secure and of comfort. Agree… put it on the doctor. "When doc says so" or even that something is wrong with the house and it is being worked on. (Electric is out on that road and won't be fixed for a few weeks. Watermain break...) whatever works.

Not sure, but would a purse help her feel any better about the purse issue? Could put just some cheap little things in it that wouldn't matter if it went missing.

NatalieB · February 23

Thanks for the responses. I'll forget about trying signs then. My worry about giving her a purse is it's just something else that will go missing. Or she'll lose the wallet in it, or wonder where all her cash is. What do I say when she says things have been stolen? I've been trying to tell her not to use that word and that she didn't have a purse or keys when she moved in. It only works temporarily.

Also about the home issue - is telling her she can go home when the dr says she can better than telling her she lives there now? I worry that she's always in a state of getting ready to go home. She even packs up all her things from time to time and sits at the front desk waiting for us to pick her up. That's why I thought telling her she is home is better. Ugh, I'm starting to realize nothing works. :(

H1235 · February 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237014#Comment_237014

I would suggest you try to think of a few vague phrases that you can say when she comes up with off the wall questions or concerns. I’ll have to look into that, let me think about it, I’ll talk to staff and see if there is something I can do, maybe next time I visit. You might follow these up with you are looking very nice today, I brought you a treat, the weather is beautiful today…. You can only do the best you can. You are right there is just no good solution.

AmandaF · February 23

How long has she been in the MC facility? My mom acted similarly for her first few months, but it eased up after a while. Staff has told me some people never stop packing for home though, so I guess it just depends on the person. Vague expressions of sympathy are about all you can do, in my experience, though starting her on a mild anti-anxiety med also helped.

Getting her a purse/wallet that doesn’t contain anything important might be a good idea. We got our mom a fanny pack and hid an AirTag in it so we could find it if it went missing. She hasn’t lost it yet but carries it around with her and likes to stash random stuff in there (scraps of paper, lip balm, etc). In the earlier days when she would ask about her wallet and money/cards, I’d just say “don’t worry, I’ve got everything in a safe place, it’s all under control,” which seemed to work. Good luck, none of it’s easy.

NatalieB · February 23

She's been there just under 4 months now. I'm hoping things get easier and she gets acclimated to this place soon. She's always been highly anxious about EVERYTHING, even things that aren't in her control. That makes this disease so very difficult.

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psg712 · February 23

A purse to carry seemed to help my mom the first 6-8 months in AL. She carried it to meals with her as if going out to a restaurant. It had a wallet with old expired savings club cards and a few dollars actual cash. Mom had always kept bits of paper with random notes on them and the purse allowed her to continue that. I had to check it from time to time as she would occasionally stash a dinner roll or cookie in it and forget to eat them. In her room she would lock the purse in her closet and wear the key on a lanyard.

Sadly but conveniently, progression of dementia often relieves these concerns. Mom has no understanding of the uses of a purse or wallet now, so these items have been retired from her possessions and she does not miss them.

I agree that notes in the room do not help the PWD. Mom could still read in AL but couldn't apply the information correctly. I had a small whiteboard up for a while, used it to leave notes for the staff. Mom would stand in front of it each day, read it out loud and shake her head in confusion.

Do signs work?

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