Learning to be patient.

Big Papa2760 · February 23

Hi, I'm 74 and my wife is 76. How does everyone learn to hold their tung? My wife has had Vascular Dementia for almost 2 years. She contently for what day it is. Our Daughter is now making up her pills. I have to dress her am/pm. Help her shower, bathroom needs. I'm now cooking all meals. I have hired a person to clean the house and another to take care of the yard. The state of California took her license about a year 1/2 ago. I'm just tired 24/7. She also has stenoses of the spine. She must a walker in the house and out. She has a very hard time holding on to anything, she drops most thing, so that means I have to carry everything for her. I love my wife, and we have been married for 44 years. I'm not complaining I just venting as it a 24/7 lifestyle. I hope you don't mind, sometimes I just have to let off some steam. It's also very lonely as we don't have some conversations anymore.

Jgirl57 · February 23

So sorry Big Papa2760. It is good you vented . It is hard sometimes to hold our tongues sometimes. The lack of meaningful conversations is very lonely. Keep coming to the forum to read and vent and continue to find ways to make daily life as easy as possible. I just recently increased the number of hours the care companion stays with my husband to give myself more “time off “.
We feel your pain and are here to “listen”

wose · February 23

I’m so sorry @Big Papa2760 and please vent away here as needed. We certainly do not mind, that’s why we’re here. I still have not found a way to hold my tongue. I keep saying every day I’m going to use duct tape cause I just can’t seem to grasp the concept that it would save me alot of grief. Lately I’ve been snapping a rubber band against my wrist(don’t laugh) and singing when the insults or snide remarks come at me. I live in a 3 story townhouse, so I also isolate after I know he’s cared for, safe and calm. I listen to music probably 18 hrs a day. I think the loneliness is a silent killer for caregivers, if we don’t take care ourselves. Easier said than done though. I’m alone without any family but even those who are surrounded with help and family suffer unbearable loneliness. It’s a one way conversation for the most part, but the hope remains in us when we see that unexpected grin or long forgotten memory. Please let us all know how you’re fairing from time to time. This forum has the kindest and most loving group💕💙

CampCarol · February 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236979#Comment_236979

I can’t hold my tongue either, and it gets ugly way more than it needs to because of it. TY for the suggestion of snapping a rubber band on my wrist; I am going to try it today!

TXGram · February 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/236979#Comment_236979

I love the idea of a rubber band. When I hear myself grouching mumbling I sound like such a child! I’m getting my rubber band today!

Stan2 · February 23

Big Papa,

Your ages are exactly the same as my DW and I.

I can relate to what you are saying, yesterday was one of those days, she felt she needed to criticize everything I did or said. I did pretty good for most of the day but ended up raising my voice and things went downhill from there. It's hard and it's lonely but you and I will both persevere and learn and find our way through this.

Russinator · February 23

My DW and I have been married as long as you (44 years). I still have not found a way to hold my tongue. Good luck to both of us - and all others.

annie51 · February 23

Glad to know I’m not alone in this…I get so upset at myself. I know better than to have a bad reaction, that it’s not his fault, but it still happens all too much. I thought I would be better at this. The rubber band idea might be my next attempt because yelling at myself isn’t working!

Big Papa2760 · February 23

Thanks for all the hugs and support. will be returning.

SDianeL · February 24

we understand how you feel. If you haven’t done so yet, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. It helped me to remember that it wasn’t him talking it was his brain. I was no longer his wife or companion. He became my patient and I became his nurse. It helped me stay calm. I also learned on this forum that you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken. Once I fully accepted that, things were better. I also had respite care come 4 hours per week and went and did something even if it was a coffee shop or library. Just peace and quiet to recharge. Don’t be hard on yourself. We do the best we can. We’re not perfect. It’s mentally and physically exhausting. She’s lucky to have you.

Carl46 · February 24

I'm in about the same boat. All I can do is breathe deeply and try to relax and be patient. When she says she wants to go to bed and I turn down the bed for her, and she starts remaking the bed, I am frustrated but it goes a lot better if I just let her do it. Then I turn it down again after I've given her meds, taken off her shoes, etc.

I'm learning. Then the rules of the game change and I learn it again. Rinse and repeat.

Later today I am finalizing the paperwork to get DW into an adult daycare facility half days. That will give her someone else to talk to and will give me time to do things that need to be done and have some time for self care. No human being should have to work all the time.

Bunny whisperer · February 25

I too have trouble holding my tongue. My DH was diagnosed a little over 7 years ago with EOA and can be very mean with his comments and actions. I know he cant control them, but it doesnt make it any better or easier. Our youngest daughter always tells me that his agression is because of my tone of voice. Im sure it doesnt help, but I dont agree its all from that. I do have him in an adult daycare once a week for a full day and how I look forward to that day.

CindyBum · February 25

After these 6 years, I think it's more than learning to be patient. It's learning to take anything without showing our reaction to it..no matter how hurtful, painful or just plain weird. That is a lot more than patience, in my mind anyway.

Stan2 · February 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237242#Comment_237242

I agree with you. The PWD will react to the emotions that you display. Even if you say the right words the reactions will give you away.

Learning to be patient.

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