Overwhelmed and not sure what to do.

Hello, I'm new here. I joined because I need advice on how to help my mom. She's eighty years old, started showing signs of dementia and possibly some other cognitive issues over the last three years.

A bit of background; My mother's reasoning has always been questionable since she was a child but it was dismissed as - that's just the way she is - even through her adulthood. She's very rigid and independent so it's been difficult to help her because she believes she doesn't need it. She raised me and my siblings alone, with a firm hand, and was very overprotective, so it's difficult to "tell her" what to do now that she's older.

She lives alone but next door to me. I have a camera set up so I can see when she leaves her apartment but I don't feel comfortable with her going out alone. I usually try to catch her and take her where she needs to go but that doesn't always work. She doesn't drive but uses public transportation, and refuses to use PACE.

She sometimes has hallucinations, which I recently found out from family she had as a child, believing that certain people are doing things or talking about her but when told its not happening she gets very upset. I also recently learned that some nights she doesn't sleep well which makes the hallucinations worse.

For the last 2 years I have tried to get her to a doctor for an evaluation but she refuses to go and every time I or another family member brings it up she'll either start talking about something else or get upset and say she's not going anywhere and that we can't make her.

I've tried calling her doctor's office for an virtual appointment at least, but they block me with HIPAA, even though I'm not asking them for information, but giving it.

My mother also has moments when she forgets how to handle her finances so I have to handle them for her and other information, with her consent. I buy food for her at least once a week but she doesnt like it although its food she buys for herself. Our family has suggested POA but she refuses and says she doesn't need it because its not time for that.

She's often forgets where she puts things, such as her money and always gives a long story, blaming her grandchildren for stealing from her, but when she finds her things and money and I remind her she accused her grand kids, she waves it off or says she doesn't remember saying anything.

I have called every senior organization I could find for our city, looking for ways to get her help, begging, but they all say the same thing - if she doesn't want help they can't force her, especially without a doctors diagnosis, and that she has to show that she is a danger to herself or others which she technically isn't according to them.

I'm exhausted mentally and physically because my mother isn't the only person I have to care for. I'm married with an adult child with a disability. I also work and have been in school for the last 3 years, trying to achieve something for myself but constantly considering quitting because I can't handle all of this.

Some of my family members have criticized me on how I've been handling things, but they don't help at all. I'm not sure what else to do other than wait for my mother to get worse or have the ambulance take her kicking and screaming, which i was told by a social worker would be traumatic for us both. I'm not sure she'd even live through something that extreme but it seems I'll have no choice.