Getting very difficult

redrose56 · February 27

Hello, my first post. My husband has moderate Alzheimer's. Officially diagnosed last year but it's been going on since about 2017. He has no short-term memory at this point. He had emergency triple bypass in 2021, and it progressed a lot since then. Goes to Adult Day Care three days a week and he's in his third year. He can no longer be left at home alone and I'm finding the Adult Day Care is not enough time for me. I have no life outside of that. My health is not as good from the stress. Have no other help from family. My friends either are still working or they are retired and traveling. I am the only one who is a caretaker. His daughter told me she will never help, and although his son says he will he has yet to be at the door. So far I've done everything I can under the circumstances to get as much help as possible outside of family. Will be meeting with his doctor next week I will let him know things have gotten worse. Lastly, he is 17 years older than me. I'm in my mid-60s.

Palmetto Peg · February 27

Have you seen an attorney to discuss whether your finances will support a memory care placement? You also need to be sure you have all of the legal powers of attorney that you will have to have in order to make decisions for him. I placed my DH in memory care 8 months ago because, like you, I was exhausted and had no life at all. He was also getting aggressive and I was having trouble managing his behaviors. Mid-60's is way too young to have no life! Can you afford some in-home care during the hours he isn't in day care? Every little bit helps, and you need to be looking after yourself before you become ill and can't care for either of you! Hugs - it is a tough situation!

redrose56 · February 27

Thank you for responding. Yes, have all of our paperwork in order. And have an attorney that specializes in this. Do not have the funds for Assisted Living Memory Care. We live off his Social Security and small pension. The adult daycare is covered 100% by the Council on Aging in our area. If I go back to work and make even a little bit of money, he will no longer qualify and I can't afford large co-pays. My son moved away last summer after my dad passed away. He was helping me with some of my medical stuff such as driving me home from a surgery. He is 7 hours away now. Great job opportunity and good for him. My husband is also aggressive and mean and he is on medication for it. He needs an adjustment. He is in a specialized health and aging Center in our area where they specialize in dementia. It's just really hard if you don't have a lot of money. I've been down the nursing home path before when I was my mom's caretaker. She's been gone over 10 years. It is really hard to see all my friends travel and do fun things and I cannot. There is a respite program with the council, I haven't used it yet. I think you can get up to one week a year. We also have two senior dogs so I have to find care for them too. I can definitely relate to your situation as well.

Biggles · February 27

I am in the same situation except my DH isn’t aggressive. He’s sweet and kind as long as I am doing nothing or things he likes eg driving in the car to get a MacDonald’s milk shake or sit and watch TV with him. No money to splash about. I was managing to do quite a bit with him alongside, kayaking once a week, a low key painting class once a week, and a small sewing business but I have had to stop most things. As for help some hearts are in the right place but no help comes forth and friends just don’t want to know, even down to phone calls it’s so very isolating. I haven’t been able to get daycare organised yet too much pushback from DH. This morning it’s making me sad. I read these posts every day and at least I don’t feel quite so alone on this journey. Chin up, we are having breakfast outside it’s a beautiful sunny morning, the birds are singing and my garden is in full bloom after the rains. Take care.

CindyBum · February 28

Does your Council for Aging have a social worker or someone who you can talk to about what other options might be out there?

RetiredTeacher · March 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/237378#Comment_237378

I could have written your post. My husband watches TV unless we go on an outing. He is either eating, watching TV, going to the bathroom or falling asleep in his chair. I try to plan several outing a week just to get out of the house: grocery shopping, dog park, lunch on Fridays. He is still able to ride his electric bike so we try to go out as much as we can weather permitting. It is exhausting to always be next to him, every moment of every day. If I go in my sewing room when he falls asleep in his chair, he wakes up, hunts for me and sits in the sewing room while I sew. We try so hard, care so much but it is very exhausting and isolating. I don't see friends much anymore, it's mostly texting. Phone calls are few and far between because he tries to listen to what I say.... Dementia hijacks 2 lives, not just one.

Getting very difficult

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