Showboating?
Does anyone know how LO’s are capable of showboating? If they can behave differently with others, why do they challenge their caregivers in unreasonable and even harsh ways? If the brain is “broken” how do they seem to temporarily “fix” it in front of others?
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I need an answer to that one. To me it seems like I’m being bamboozled all day. I’m running myself into the ground and he’s safe, warm, well fed and nasty mean all day long. I still think he’s conning me and maybe it’s not dementia just plain meanness and a skewed moral compass that I didn’t want to see in our 15 years. I don’t know anymore. This awful disease is draining my sanity💕💙
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@WIGO23
Do you mean showtiming?
My dad showtimed like he was gunning for an Oscar. The man once exchanged jokes with his geripsych in Yiddish. FTR, my dad was a lapsed Roman Catholic who identified as Irish-American so his Yiddish was something of a surprise.
JMO, I feel like there are 2 things that might be driving this.
The first is that the wiring of the brain in dementia sometimes seems like a string of Christmas lights with one loose bulb. Most of the time, the string is dark. But sometimes, under the right circumstances, the connection is restored briefly and the lights come on.
The other is more like a toddler's/teenager's behavior. They often dish out their worst with the person in their lives they know loves them unconditionally knowing they're safe with them no matter what.
The performance of the PWD comes with great effort and is not sustainable long-term. It's why I always suggest that adult children concerned about a parent make an excuse to stay with them 24/7 to get a clearer picture of cognition and ability to manage IADLs.
HB10 -
My DH does the same thing especially around doctors as if he can fool the doctor or other people into thinking he has nothing wrong with him. I cant stand it myself. Maybe some day we will have the answer to these questions although harshedbuzz may have something about whats going on
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I find the showtiming is very hard to deal with emotionally. I thought HB description of Christmas lights was really helpful and it explains why sometimes my DH thinks I'm his sister and out of the blue, he introduced me to someone as his wife, Linda. So - how does that happen? My emotional side feels unwarranted hope that maybe he is improving, coming back - but it's just the Christmas lights effect. So hard to deal with the back and forth between the typical nonsensical comments/observations (he has regular conversations with my Dad who passed three years ago!) and the occasional lucid remark that sounds like the old him. I'll hang onto this description to help keep my emotions from the ups and downs the occasional glimpses of the "before" DH creates…
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I find that others don’t usually understand our loved one’s limitations. So when they talk about how they are working on this or that or have plans to xyz, unless these things are way out in left field a visitor might think they are really doing well and very active. When the reality is much different. My mom wanted a toaster oven for her room in Al. Doctors and administrators agreed it was fine without talking to me. When I asked mom about the toaster oven, what exactly she wanted and what she was going to use it for, she told me she wanted a full size toaster oven so she could bake cupcakes and cookies and make some of her own meals. No one else bothered to ask these questions. They just assumed she wanted to make toast. A full size toaster oven wouldn’t even fit in her apartment, she is diabetic, there is no room for mixing bowls and pans in her apartment, it would have been a nightmare to buy her supplies and make sure they didn’t spoil. Yet all the blame fell on me.
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FYI—showboating and showtiming are used interchangeably to describe the behavior.
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it’s frustrating but common. They can showtime for about 10-15 minutes at a time. Usually in front of doctors or family and friends. It’s mentally draining for them and usually after they are either agitated or they crash and take a nap. I kept a list of his behaviors to talk to his doctors and family and friends who asked. I found this article that explains show timing and suggestions to cope. Hope it helps:
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I did not know that. I am more familiar with showtiming used as an attempt to appear "normal" whereas showboating carries an implication of grandiosity and ostentatiousness. Another common female-variant of this behavior is hostess mode. This is when a woman deflects attention from her limitations by enquiring after others and providing refreshments or gifts.
HB@SDianeL that's a great piece.
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So maddening! I had both my pastor and best friend visit for a bit and DH was showtiming for both visits. (About an hour each) Both said the same thing as i walked them to the door. "Wow, he's doing much better than I expected." That made me feel so deflated. Like, maybe they think I'm blowing things out of proportion. I've been keeping a journal, just as a check on myself and to get thoughts out of my head so I can sleep at night. I realize they did most of the talking so all he had to do was, basically, look as though he was following their conversation. What they don't know is that once they left, he kept asking me questions about things they had said and had things all mixed up.
We will meet his new pcp this week. I'm going to send a message today just to give him a heads up.
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Your story reminded me of when my mom was in AL. She could have her little dog there and she started putting dog treat in the microwave. They would start smoking and set off the alarm. After the fire dept showed up twice they took her microwave away from her.
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I think that I showtime in my own way by pretending I am doing better than I really am at handling all this when I am around other people.
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Me too BPS around others or on the phone I’m sort of ‘happy Jack’ comments slip easily off the tongue “he’s doing OK” “I’m doing fine” and then on my own I cry.
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Fine: Feelings Internal, Not Expressed
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This is my first comment. I have read a number of your messages and share so much of them. Although it is sad and lonely at what we are going through, it is somewhat of a relief to know we are not alone. After all the discussion of behavior, I guess my question is out of left field, but I was wondering if anyone could or would share how you deal with bathing.
After much encouragement, my husband will eventually take a shower, but I know that this
ability will end soon. I can do bed baths, but turning him is quite difficult now as he is
experiencing a lot of back pain. Have any of you made any significant changes to your bath or shower such as a walk-in bath or wheelchair accessible shower? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.0 -
liz allen, welcome to the forum. I think you would have better luck getting your question answered if you started a new thread. That way all the answers will be directed to you. I will tell you what I did when my husband was still at home. First, I would make sure the bathroom was nice and warm. Then I would set a chair in the middle of the room for him to sit on and get out plenty of towels. I would put a towel around his shoulders and across his lap and make sure he was warm. then I would wash his arms and dry them . Then his legs and dry them and again make sure he was covered and warm. After he was all washed, I rubbed lotion into his back and legs and arms. It took a while, but he stayed clean. He really seemed to enjoy it and was always relaxed afterwards. I hope this helps.
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I’ve been taking showers with my husband for the last couple years. We have one of those portable chairs that he sits on and a hand held shower. He’s not always agreeable to showering so most days I give him a sponge bath while he’s sitting on the toilet. We manage a full shower at least twice a week.
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That sounds like what happens in our house. After a guest leaves I start to second guess myself.
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Great article. You are always so helpful. Thank you.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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