Legal Repercussions

Korinjay · April 3

Hello, I am new to this site. My mom was recently diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She was previously diagnosed with Mild Cognitive Impairment. For 5 years I have been paying her bills for her because she asked for help and could no longer do it herself. She still has access to all of her funds and we have only had a couple instances of accidental miscommunication or forgetfulness that caused her accounts to be overdrawn.
Additionally, I have been organizing and filling her meds box for her for about 3 years because she can’t remember if she has taken her meds and will accidentally take multiple doses. With the meds, she hasn’t liked each step of me taking over more and more, but has allowed it with complaints.
She lives with me and my family, and we are building her an en-suite so she can have her own space and independence and privacy.
When we were at the appointment getting the diagnosis for the Alzheimer’s, the doctor said she should not be driving and that she needs to inform her employer about her diagnosis. She disagrees vehemently and anytime I have brought it up, she gets very, very angry.
When she is angry, she has said things that after she calms down she apologizes for. Nothing she says lines up with how she feels when she is not so angry. A friend suggested that I might need to look into legal protection because of her accusations while she is upset.
When all of her memory problems began, she made sure to sign all of the legal documents we thought we would need.
We have a Living Will, Medical POA, Last Will and Testament, and Durable Financial POA.
I am not even sure how to word what I am wondering…so hopefully this makes sense. Do I need legal counsel set up in case she accuses me to something in her anger?

The types of things she has said so far are:
I have no right to discuss her health with anyone.
She doesn’t trust me and my sister.
That we don’t have her best interests in mind.
That she doesn’t want to live in my home.
That she wants to move back to the state she grew up in.

Again, after she calms down she apologizes and does not say those things. I think it would only agitate her into anger again to bring those issues up when she is calm.

Could I get into some sort of legal trouble if she has an angry outburst and says these things or worse in front of people?
Thank you for your patience with my super long post!!! Any advice would be appreciated!!!

SusanB-dil · April 4

Hi Korinjay - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

Not speaking as knowing law, but I have seen on the forums where what she says would have no bearing, especially since you have the diagnosis in-hand.

If you aren't sure, though, you could consult with the lawyer.

You are correct - it would probably agitate her if you bring stuff up when she is calm. Most of us just have to go with the flow - as they say, 'the good, the bad, and the downright ugly!' I am so very glad I knew my MIL before 'this'. She and FIL welcomed me with open arms. Now, she has no idea who I am. She only knows I am not the daughter-in-law that she remembers. (who died of breast cancer in 2000) So I have been accused of various things, screamed at, and even kicked at… yeah, it bites!

Korinjay · April 4

Thank you for your reply and your kind words! This is no fun at all! I am just beginning to learn to go with the flow, but the flow is not even! It is like a twisty turny river with smooth waters in some places then the rapids come out of nowhere.
I just joined the group so I will definitely be looking for this topic to see the responses others have already given.

H1235 · April 5

Welcome to the group. Your moms anger and mistrust is completely normal. My mom also becomes very angry with me. She usually cools down, but never apologizes. She makes very similar threats and accusations. I was worried she might try to take the DPOA away. In fact I think if she could have gotten to a lawyer on her own she would tried(probably even now). He doctor wrote a letter stating she was not able to make medical or legal decisions for herself (signed by 2 doctors). I have never used this, but it gave me some peace of mind. I guess I figured if she tried to make a legal decision I could use that to prove it wasn’t valid. (That’s probably not how it works, but it made me feel better). It also helped me to understand and accept that I was responsible for her. It helped me realize I couldn’t let her make the decisions. If she were to have an outburst in public and police were call, by well meaning observers, you may need to provide them with an explanation. I carry a copy of everything in my purse just in case. One page diagnosis, DPOA, medical poa, the incompetence letter and her living will. I have never had this happen so I can’t really speak from experience, but again it gives me some peace of mind.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 5

The DPOA goes a long way. I had to have my mom hospitalized when she left her AL facility (the facility required it) and it was horrific, she did not want to go, but when the ambulance arrived they asked me if I had dpoa and medical poa and when I said yes it was enough. It can get to that point. And with dementia it likely may. I would keep copies of all docs on hand, that should be enough.

@H1235’s idea of doctor letters is a good idea as well.

Paranoia and mistrust are Definitely part of the dementia journey. I’m so sorry you are going through this.

Korinjay · April 9

I really appreciate the input you have all given! Thank you so much!!!

JulietteBee · April 9

In one of my mom's moments, she accused my husband & me with "persecuting" her. We did not take that very nicely. We decided to back off of trying to help her figure out her living arrangements. The plan was for her to sell her house and she would move in with us. She viewed it as a hard sale & lashed out at us. We too feared her accusing us in public and then having someone report uf for elder abuse. It is scary to think about, but it certainly can happen.

Currently, she is renting an apartment in an independent living complex. I have rented out her house & have had to assume my role of being her DPOA.

Korinjay · April 30

Juliette,

I think it is hard for them to loose their independence! After taking care of themselves their whole life, the loss of it makes them so angry and wanting to blame someone. It is easiest to blame the people who are there helping them. I wish I would have found a different solution to my mom’s housing situation, instead of moving her in with us. I hope the apartment she is renting will be good for her as long as possible.

Shenmama99 · April 30

Hi there. I have MPOA and POA. My mom’s banks also have copies of the paperwork as do her many doctors. Both the banks and doctors discuss business and medical with me. The paperwork should be enough for you. My mom’s mind is getting worse and her paranoia and distrust is growing. As for driving, that one sucks. It took a long time for me to have the balls to not let her drive. I took her keys and she was very ugly about that. I gave them back and she swore she wouldn’t drive. I placed a sign taped to her steering wheel not to start or drive the car. She misplaced her two sets of keys and was really angry and me and my sisters saying we took them. My sister found one set in my moms pocket and the other in the ignition. A few weeks later we sold her car. Hang in there. Dementia is one of the hardest things I’ve been through. I’m ready for this to be over.

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