Anyone With Resentment?

Cat K · April 15

I'm going to post this before I chicken out. I have been married to my husband for 42 years. Now he has Alzheimer's/vascular dementia. Even in good times he could be difficult to live with, very controlling. Now I am bitterly resentful because I have to take care of him. Has anyone experienced this. I feel guilty and people here may think I'm a horrible person. How do I deal with the bitterness and resentment?

RetiredTeacher · April 15

No judgement here. Safe place to post honest feelings. I am resentful because I retired early to RV and live a full wonderful active life, doing the things I was always too busy working and raising kids, to do. When I retired I noticed his personality had changed. He's been sick most of the time I've been retired. Now we cannot do the things we planned, nor am I able to live the active, independent life I dreamed of. I realize it's not hos choice, it's the disease. I believe in for better or worse but who could have imagined dementia and how that changes everything. You need to get some help, take the gift of tome and do the things you can't do with him. Live your life in small sections of time to be good to yourself and allow you to become the priority, if only for a few hours. Praying you get some time to do the things you want to do. Resentment and depression can cripple us too.

wose · April 15

I too am hoping for an answer to this one. I’ve only been married 15 years but most of those were tumultuous. It was a very unwise decision from the start. He was and is a do nothing person, let the chips fall where they may and I’m opposite. So, yes I’m very resentful but towards myself. I’m angry at myself but my Mom always said , you made your bed, now you have to lie in it. I cry all the time, get mad, feel guilty and then do it again. I gave this man everything and still do and all he does is badger, belittle and then blame me for everything. It is alot to deal with and no YOU are not a horrible person! I’m going to try to get out of the house for an hour everyday somehow just to take a breather. I’m trying to get his friend to come in and maybe give me a day or two or three. Other than that …I make sure he’s ok, fed and as comfortable as he can be and then I isolate myself with anything and everything I can think to do. But it’s exhausting and I’m down 40 lbs and look 80 even tho I’m 67. I’m probably not being helpful😒Sorry… I listen to music. I can’t take antidepressants so I take adult gummies to help with anxiety and sleep. I wish I could talk to someone but when I tried that he accused me of talking about him behind his back🙄So we soldier on and pray for help and guidance💕💙

BPS · April 15

I also have resentment. My wife was diagnosed 9 years ago but our marriage has not been good for 20+ years. I resent that she took those years of happiness away by her actions and choices. If it hadn't been for her diagnoses I think we would be divorced. I was close to leaving her over things that started over 20 years ago then she was diagnosed and I knew thing would not be easy. I didn't want to leave it to our kids to deal with her disease so I stayed. Now she don't remember what she did repeatedly, so now I resent her for what she took form me in our marriage and I resent that I can't enjoy my retirement. She is in MC and I go see her every day because she won't eat when they bring her food or try to get her to eat. She will eat when I am there and give it to her. I still care about her so there is an internal battle between caring and resenting. Most of the time I have come to accept the resentment and try not to look to the future because this is my foreseeable future. With her in MC now I try and do something in the mornings to stay active. I often wonder how my feelings would be different if we had a better more devoted marriage. I don't have a good answer of how to deal with it but you are not alone and sadly you kind of get used to it and it begins to feel kind of normal. You got to do what you believe is the right thing whatever you believe that is and take pride in doing the right thing.

SDianeL · April 15

welcome. No judgment here. Your feelings are understandable and common. Even some caregivers who had wonderful marriages have bitterness and resentment that this terrible disease robbed them of their dreams and plans. It robbed you both. I had a good marriage of almost 39 years. It helped me to look at him as my patient and me his nurse. He was no longer a loving companion. Caring for someone with dementia is mentally and physically exhausting. Maybe you should consider placement in a memory care facility? Or at least respite care so you can take a break. You could also ask for a referral to a Psychologist experienced with dementia for counseling. Please come here often for info, support and to vent.

Biggles · April 15

I agree with the above and retired teacher. Don’t feel guilty. The amount of work a caregiver does is enormous and exhausting. I had a great marriage of 50 years before this rotten disease took over. It’s when I hear my ‘friends’ who have abandoned me due to feeling uncomfortable, going off on a cruise, or dinner with friends or a trip that encompasses France, UK, a yacht charter in Turkey then home. That does my head in and I feel so rotten. I figure it’s no good dwelling on what might have been so I just get on with it! Whatever that is planting a tree, baking a cake, dancing in the kitchen to some favourite music. It doesn’t change things but it helps you cope. Vent here we are all in the same boat.

Marla13 · April 15

As you can see, you are not alone with feelings of resentment. I have days when I love him and days when I have to get away from him because of all the resentment I feel. This disease just tears apart a relationship. We are all in the same boat together. It’s just some days it feels like we are sinking.

marier · April 15

Oh yes restments! I feel so resentful at times and then the guilt sets in! My marriage has had its ups and downs. I never image this would happen to my DH. 13 plus years of caring. I am tired. No end in sight. I do take advantage of respite care and as often as I able. It helps. I am a caregiver now not a wife.

I hope when DH dies I can cope with the sorrow of his passing and try to find me again!

cat911 · April 15

Long marriage here, but not soulmates. DH is usually easy to get along with in his VD but when he refuses to take his meds, it sends me over the edge. These comments and postings are good reminders that I’m not the only one who has resentments and anger. I’m 80 and wondering if I should sign up for AL for myself as well as DH. Has anyone done that? Very expensive, but I can afford it for the next 2 years.

debriesea · April 15

All of the above. But I would like to strongly recommend to pre-warn all younger couples to “Do it now!”

Just before we were married in 1972, My husband’s grandfather gave us the best advice. He and his wife had worked all their lives, into their 70’s, with plans to travel when they retired. Then she got Alz and his hips and knees gave out, leaving him in a wheelchair. They never got to travel. He told us “Do it now! Don’t wait until you retire.” We took that advice to heart and have had a very busy, active and traveling lifestyle, dragging our 2 kids along with us. I have no regrets in that aspect. Plus, Alz was very prominent in his family so I wasn't taken by surprise. But THIS IS STILL NOT EASY! And yes, there are still regrets and frustrations and wanting to continue traveling. My heart does have more peace knowing we’ve already had a full life.

My advice is to let others know as they are starting out, to not wait, but go for life now, everyday.

I also learned from my Mom to not harbor bitterness. My Dad got Parkinson’s in the mid years of their retirement traveling and she became a very bitter woman. That was something I sure didn’t want to become.

This is an ugly road we are on but it is comforting to know that we support each other with love and compassion.

Dio · April 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240988#Comment_240988

Amen to everything you said. I tell my friends and family the same message. "Save some, but spend some, too! Don't wait."

Timmyd · April 15

There is a Buddhist expression: "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger". I think the same applies to resentment. I have lived long enough to see people who have lived with resentment for large parts of their lives. It do not want to end up like that.

We were married later in life and had several good years up front. However it seems clear now that the majority of our marriage will be spent managing this disease. Having married later in life, I had seen enough to understand what the vows meant. I took them very seriously, and here we are.

White Crane · April 15

My DH is in MC. We have been married 57 years. When I think about our life together, sometimes the rough times flood my memory and I start to feel resentful. Then I remember all the good times. Our golden years are definitely not what I imagined they would be. I have had to learn to accept that. I hate the disease but I still love my husband. Resentments are too costly on me emotionally an physically though so I try to let go of them. I hope you can find some help so you can be more at peace. Sending hugs.

Bridge4 · 7:34AM

Resentment is very understandable, especially when many years of caregiver sacrifice are stacked upon years of a less-than-loving marriage. But we must all try to dig deep and not give in to the temptation. It’s like the “sirens song” that draws the sailors in, only to kill them on the rocks. Resentment can lead to a fatal, downward spiral with what’s left of our lives. Despite the immense sadness, frustration, and anger that can come from caregiving for a dementia spouse, I feel the best hope for a brighter future is if we accept the past as part of our life’s journey- good and bad. By taking some responsibility for our destiny we can remind ourselves that it is up to us to make decisions now and going forward (despite protests from our LO) that give us some control over the outcomes, and a hope for better days ahead.

Anyone With Resentment?

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