My mother doesn't remember my brother died; suggestions for path ahead?

LindaBlue · April 14

Hi all, I am a new member here. My mom, who is 95 and lives with my family, has significant cognitive decline and has trouble making new memories. Several weeks ago, my brother died of cancer after having been ill since last summer. Mom knew he'd had cancer and she visited him a number of times in his last days. She also sat with his body after he had passed.

She seemed to be aware for a few days after that he'd died, but now doesn't remember from day to day. She seems aware something is going on as she calls his phone often (which I have) and asks me how he's doing. I have told her about 10 times now that he died, showed her the photos of her beside him since she worries she wasn't there .... and now am wondering if I should just stop telling her. Her dementia seems to have dimmed her emotional response and she seems sad when I tell her -- but not overly so. It is crushing for me to have to tell her each time.

At first I thought if I told her enough times, it would "stick" but that doesn't seem to be the case. We have a few details of his life still to attend to, such as picking out the burial spot for his ashes that I know she would have wanted to have been involved in before she got dementia, but now I don't know.

Have any of you grappled with this? What did you do? Do you have suggestions for me?

Thank you so much.

sandwichone123 · April 15

I'd stop telling her. You can say, "he didn't answer," or some other response that's neutral when she asks. Once you find a response that works, keep using it.

harshedbuzz · April 15

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but pleased you found this place. I am sorry for the loss of your brother.

I've been through something similar. My sister, dad's mini-me, died some 30 years before he hit the middle stages of dementia. Her extended illness and death destroyed him— he became a functional alcoholic which led to one of the dementias with which he was diagnosed.

In the middle stages, dad seemed to time travel in his mind. For a long time, in the middle stages, he had a sense that she was in some danger because of her health and would ask after her "Have you heard from your sister? She's dead isn't she". Initially we'd explain that she was and like you are experiencing his response was blunted. My sister was one of the 2 topics on which he remained stuck for the duration of the disease. His car was the other. We had a conversation about both hours before he died.

This was unpleasant for us; I can appreciate that this is hard with so fresh a bereavement. When I asked about it, the wise folks here suggested that I create a fiblet— she's busy with work, on a cruise, etc. I felt like he was maybe more on the ball still, so I did something along the line of what sandwichone123 suggested. I would answer dad's question about hearing from her with "I haven't" and the one about how she was with "the same, I imagine" and then segue into a funny story about her when she was little which he loved. I think, in retrospect, he had a sense he was losing his memories of her.

I wouldn't complicate the tasks of wrapping up your brother's arrangements by engaging your mom in the process. I would spare her and yourself the emotional weight of that exercise.

HB

Quilting brings calm · April 15

I agree with HB. You no longer need to tell her he died. Just respond that you haven’t heard from him and that you will tell her when you do. Then redirect the conversation to anything else. Dementia prevents her from making new memories - so she’s never going to remember for long. She’s just grieving over and over - and so are you as you tell her.

LindaBlue · April 16

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/240965#Comment_240965

Thank you so much. This is really helpful.

LindaBlue · April 16

Thank you. I will try that.

LindaBlue · April 16

LindaBlue · April 16

Thank you so much. I am so sorry about the loss of your sister as well, many years ago. I really appreciate your sharing your experience. It's so helpful to hear from others who have been through this as I find my path ahead. I will plan to start doing as you did.

H1235 · April 19

I will just tack on to what others have said. My mil with dementia lost her sister. She was taken out of stat to the funeral (sil insisted, bad idea). She was back only days and was complaining she hadn’t heard from her sister in ages. We never told her she had passed and she was at the funeral. There was no point.

Momof4boyz · April 19

I have dealt with this with my mother who is now end stage, her dr gave us info on "therapeutic lying," which is basically tell them whatever they NEED to hear and will keep them calm and happy. I am sorry for your loss and your parents illness.

bgblue64 · April 21

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I too am new to this forum, I wish I could help with that questions as I have so many questions myself. I have heard people talk about what they go through with a love one that has been diagnosed with dementia but I didn't realize how cruel and real the sickness is until 2023. My mom was 85 when she had a stroke that bought on the sickness and now she will be 87 in two weeks and she is like a kid waiting anxiously on her birthday.
My brother died shortly after she was diagnosed and she too sat beside him during his sickness with cancer. To this day she still ask about him and has forgotten that he passed away.
Lately, she has been say a lot of swear words, and constantly wants to go home back to where she grew up and I noticed this started happening after we went out of town to a family reunion. She have even left walking away from the house at night but my sister or I will walk with her until we convince her to return home by promising that if she stay the night we will take her home tomorrow.
This is very draining, one person cannot do it alone...

My mother doesn't remember my brother died; suggestions for path ahead?

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