first visit to memory care

l7pla1w2 · April 24

I made my first visit today to see my DW in memory care. She's been there just over a week. I was advised to stay about an hour and to arrange a signal with the staff so I could excuse myself "to go to the bathroom" and leave.

It was hard and terribly sad to see her. DW said over and over, "I miss you so much." She asked where I was living, whom I was living with, what I was doing, what people I had seen. She also asked whether we would ever live together again. I don't know whether the visit was beneficial for her.

I don't think she's happy, which is unsurprising. It's been just over a week, and she's still adjusting. It's not clear to me that she's participating in any activities, and she says she spends a lot of time alone. The staff told me she's not sleeping well.

I brought her a Joy For All robo-dog, and that amused her. It made her laugh and smile when the dog responded to her. She was confused when I told her I was giving it to her, and that it was hers. I'll have to find out if she held it and played with it herself.

Friends commend me and say I made a brave choice to put DW in MC, and they say it's better for both of us. The rational part of me knows that's right. The emotional part finds it really hard to visit and see her like this.

hiya · April 24

I pray things get easier for you and your wife. You can have some peace knowing she is safe. It’s an emotional rollercoaster. One pice of advice I have been given for when I place DH, is to visit when there is an activity. It stops their focus from being so much on you.

Dio · April 24

Know that it'll get better once she's acclimated to her new environment. Be comforted in knowing that she's safe and well cared for. I don't think residents in a facility will ever not want to go home, wherever home is, so you'll need to get used to that as well. Think of the facility and staff as an extension of you, an extension of care being provided. Guilt will creep in, but just let it flow through. Keeping you both safe is the best you can do. The mixed emotions will get you if you allow it to. This journey is not one we signed up for, and we can/are dealing with it the best way we can. I won't say it isn't sad because I'm deeply saddened by all the residents who need to be there. After each visit, I feel so depressed not only for my DH's situation and all that we've lost, but just seeing everyone there suffering gnaws at my heart. Life's not fair. As I said, the emotions will come at you. Try to let it flow over you. Come here to vent as often as you need. It helps.

SDianeL · April 24

thanks for the update. Hopefully they will get her to participate in activities. You might ask the nurse or social worker if she does anything during the day. Your visit may not benefit her directly but it benefits her indirectly because you know she is being well cared for and is safe. I found visiting at mealtime helped. You can probably even have lunch with her for a small fee. It is heartbreaking to see them there. We know how you feel. Hugs. 💜

midge333 · April 24

@l7pla1w2 : I placed my DW in December and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. She keeps to herself and does not participate in activities. Last weekend, I visited in the afternoon (I usually visit in the morning) and found her in the common area having a great time hanging out with several other residents. This is the first time I have seen her interacting with other residents. She still wants to come home. None of this is easy…

Old Iowan · April 24

I placed my DW in MC in January for 2 major reasons - Her safety….Both of her knees are basically shot and she kept falling and I could no longer pick her up - 2nd reason I deal with serious chronic pain and I just plain ran out of gas - My friends and our kids said I did the right thing which does help some - I visit her about every other day but the conversations keep getting shorter as the disease continues to do what it does - I can only wish you the best that IMHO you did the best you could do - Our daughter keeps telling me I still have a live to live - I am lonely as the woman I married 46 years ago keep sdrifting away and still not sure how I'm supposed to live this life?? This forum has been of some comfort and help and I hope it does the same for you.

Denise1847 · April 25

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/72862/first-visit-to-memory-care

I placed my DH in Sept. 2024. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He still asks to go home. I actually wish he didn't remember me if that is what it takes to stop the yearning for home. It does make you feel guilty, which is not logical. I struggle so much with this, I have had to go back on antidepressants and go to counseling. I know I did the right thing. I take him out to lunch once a week. He goes to an adult enrichment program once a week and usually a restaurant visit with the residents (all at our expense).

I tell you this so you know that you are not alone. I know if I kept him home that it would have killed me from the stress, 24/7 etc. Hang in there and know you are not alone. This disease will kill 2 people if you let it.

l7pla1w2 · April 25

[Update after second visit]

I visited DW today, and it went much better. She was happy to see me, but she did not repeat endlessly, "I miss you so much!" We walked outside; we sat on the bed and looked at pictures of birds in a magazine; we played a little with (yet unnamed) robo-dog. She vacillated about whether she thought the dog is real.

DW exhibited her usual confusion. She talked about returning home. In her room, she started collecting things to "take home." When we were outside, she thought the (one-story) building was home and asked if I knew the other people there. When we were in her room, there was a TV on in a common room next door, and she thought there must be other people in "our house."

The nurses tell me DW has become friendly with two other women, which may account for her better disposition. However, they say she isn't sleeping through the night. For example, she got up around 1:30 AM and walked around before being escorted back ot her room. She subsequently slept until near 6. It's hard for me to tell how well she's eating. She hasn't said much about food.

The MCF doesn't really have any place to exercise. I realized this is a problem, because DW is fully mobile and in relatively good physical condition. Without exercises to maintain and improve balance, flexibility, and muscle tone, she can decline rapidly, be prone to falls, and end up in a wheelchair. I need to do something about this.

One unexpected event: She managed to clog the toilet, and it overflowed. It took awhile before someone from maintenance came to clear the toilet and mop up the overflow. I don't know what foreign object she might have flushed, or whether she just used too much toilet paper.

Apparently DW has become something of a kleptomaniac and has been "borrowing" items from other women: pajamas, an XL nightgown (definitely not her size), a pair of shoes, a tube of toothpaste, a toothbrush. She also had the walker belonging to the woman next door, which clearly had that woman's name on it. Of course DW could not explain how any of that ended up in her room. The nurses are aware of this proclivity and, I think, do keep an eye on the "borrowings" to some extent.

In short, I feel much better. DW is apparently adjusting to MC.

Timmyd · 12:47AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241643#Comment_241643

Thank you for your update. I look forward to hearing more of your journey. I am relieved to hear that your second visit was better. Hang in there. We are pulling for you.

first visit to memory care

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