Has anyone had to make the decision for their parent to move to assisted living?

leslieO423 · April 26

Hi. I'm new here. My mom has been living w/dementia and officially diagnosed with Alzheimer's a few months ago. She lives alone in her own home but my sister who lives nearby has supposed to have been helping her out with routine things. (Sister lives 10 minutes away, is not working, is health care proxy and primary POA.)

I started staying with my mom part time every other week (I live in another state and have a full time job) and over the winter, have seen her capabilities decline and her illness escalate. She is more and more scared of being in the house alone and I've been talking to her about assisted living. (We've been trying to get her there for 2+ years - she has always been resistant.) She's equally anxious about that because she's afraid of the unknown, and knows that this will be the last place she moves to. But she's in tears every time I go there and she says she's ready to move.

So we (the family but basically me) have made the decision that mom has to go to assisted living and we (again, me) have picked out the place, the apartment, and are moving ahead with moving mom in the next few weeks.

And I feel like a villain.

Every time I think about her actually moving, I get sick. Has anyone else ever had to make the decision FOR your parents? How did it go? And how did you manage your own feelings based on knowing what you're doing IS the right thing to do for them?

Thanks for listening and any advice you can share.

Quilting brings calm · April 26

many of us have. You aren’t doing this to her, you are doing this FOR her. For her safety. Read through a few pages of posts both here and in the ‘I’m a caregiver forum’. - you will see that placing your loved one is a popular topic.

H1235 · April 26

Welcome. You’re not alone. The person who makes the decision is often the one made out to be the villain. In my experience it’s easier for others to do nothing and blame everything on the person doing all the work. My mom did not want to go to Al. It was a good move for her. She was wearing her pajamas all day, not eating well and had no one to talk to. She still doesn’t think she belongs there, but enjoys being around other people. You are doing the right thing! It can be dangerous for a pwd to live alone. Wandering, not taking medication properly, not eating well, being alone all day, falls, fire… It sounds like you are getting stuck with a lot of the work even though you aren’t the DPOA. My mom insisted on packing herself for the move (she was living with my brother at the time). It was a mess. She packed clothes that didn’t fit, king size sheets, cup cake papers. But we got her there and that was what was important. I hope all goes well.

leslieO423 · April 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241698#Comment_241698

Thank you. I know all of this is true. I know it is time and I know she will be so much happier after the move. I think I just needed the reassurance that others have made these decisions for their parents rather than with their parents as I would have liked and survived.

(FTR, I have assumed the DPOA because I was listed as the alternate and my sister has abdicated her role to me. I have the certified copy in my possession, so that's one less worry.)

Thank you again.

leslieO423 · April 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241696#Comment_241696

Thanks. I've been scrolling through posts and did find one that matched my situation. I have the comments saved to remind me others have done this too. Thank you.

ARIL · April 26

I will echo others: a lot of us have done this. Yes, it is hard. Yes, I didn’t sleep the night before the move. And yes, it was the right decision. Things are WAY better now, even though the disease is progressing and it’s still really, really hard. But moving my parent was absolutely the best choice.

Hang in there. I wish you well.

Melba Davis · 12:01AM

I was recently diagnosed, early stage. I plan on getting a notarized statement instructing my family to move me to Assisted Living when I need full-time care. I don’t know if this helps you as caregivers, but maybe your loved one feels the same and just can’t voice it.

ARIL · 1:23AM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241718#Comment_241718

Thank you. It is kind of you to say this, and very forward-thinking of you to care for your own family in this way, putting a plan in place for some future time.

jen ht · 1:50AM

Hi LeslieO

I could not involve my dad in the decisions unfortunately. He was falling for scammers. Even being right there with him in his home I couldn't get it stopped sadly. So I had to make tough decisions extremely quickly before more funds were wiped out.

It was (and often still is) very difficult, but he is safe. I redirect my thoughts back to that over and over as much I can. He worked hard to have some funds available for his care. Scammers were getting way too much of what he needs and will need for his care.

I wish you well.

jen ht

psg712 · 2:57AM

Yes, I had to make that decision for my mom. She was not happy about it. Neither were some of her friends and family who were not able to see how she had been struggling and how unsafe she was at home.

Within about a month of her admission to AL, I realized how big a relief it was for her not to have to take care of her home, finances, medication, transportation. Although it took a lot of logistics to get her moved, it was worth it. When people asked if I felt bad that I moved her into a facility, I said no, I feel bad that I didn't do it sooner.

leslieO423 · 1:39PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241729#Comment_241729

Thank you for this. And I'm sorry you had to make that decision without support. While I'm not getting much support with the actual doing of things, at least the family (with the exception of mom sometimes) is supportive of the decision. That helps. A bit. But like you, I know how unsafe and unhappy she is at home.

One of the things I'm struggling with right now is how to get literally/physically get mom out of the house. I've got most everything else worked out but if she doesn't want to get in the car on moving day, I have no idea what I'm going to do. That's what's keeping me up nights right now.

Thank you for sharing your situation. It helps.

leslieO423 · 1:42PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241726#Comment_241726

Thank you. That part about "not involving" them in the decision breaks my heart. But I couldn't. We'd been trying to get her into AL for a few years and she wasn't having it. She'd go see places and then got really combative afterwards. But I know she will be safer and happier once she gets there. I'll try to hold on to that.

leslieO423 · 1:46PM

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241718#Comment_241718

Thank you for sharing this. It is kind of you to think of your family's future feelings. As one who wishes we'd understood things better when we first noticed mom's decline, you have done them a great kindness.

Has anyone had to make the decision for their parent to move to assisted living?

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