Advice on phone calls

mterbush1 · April 28

sandwichone123 · April 28

You do not have to answer every time. When my dh got to this stage, I set my ringtone for him to silent so that it did not disturb my day every time. I had already locked down his phone quite a bit, trying to assure that he wasn't calling others inappropriately, or receiving calls from strangers (he could no longer answer the phone anyway after a while). He was calling me during meals and activities, when I could hear others in the background, so it felt more like something he was doing reflexively rather than an active desire to reach out.

When we got to 20 calls a day, I disappeared his phone. I don't think he missed it when it wasn't there.

SDianeL · April 28

if your Mom is safe you do not need to answer her calls. The facility or caregiver will call if there is an emergency. Let them go to voice mail and delete them. You don’t even have to listen to them at some point you can disappear her phone. Does she dial it herself or is the caregiver assisting her? If they are, talk to them and tell them to stop. She calls because she doesn’t remember she called many times already.

terei · April 29

This has been discussed innumerable times on this site. Read some of the discussions from the past. Basically, removing or disabling the phone is your best solution.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 30

The phone is a massive issue with dementia. I swear the constant calls from my mom were the absolute worst. She is further along in her journey and it’s not as bad. She can’t use the phone anymore. But when she was around stage 4/5 it was horrible. Seeing 20 missed calls after blocking her at work frayed my nerves like nothing I can describe.

If your mom is safe, I do recommend the block. This way you get some peace. She doesn’t really know what she’s doing - probably coping with anxiety and confusion.

If she’s in Memory care you can lose the phone. If she’s in assisted living and still can use it, blocking the calls until YOU can handle it will work best. Glad you found this site. We’ve been there.

mterbush1 · May 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/241878#Comment_241878

She is still living alone, I am in the works with guardianship papers. So it is different than someone in a care facility. I can't "disappear" her phone in case of emergency. I've read all the posts regarding someone in a care facility. Our situation is different.

lisn2cats · May 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/242570#Comment_242570

I am in the same boat. My mom is 90 and lives alone (we just got fired by her inhome care service because she is beyond the general care they were providing). Of course, now she refuses any caregiver and, according to social services, it is her right as the homeowner. Anyway, she will text me throughout the day (most of them disjointed, negative, accusatory, nonsensical) or, worse, call then call over and over. It stops when her friends visit (which is getting less often) or if I call her first (I call her 3x/day) but left alone for an hour or more with her thoughts, she can't stop herself. Her phone is her lifeline right now so taking it away would be disastrous. I do block her calls periodically each day to give myself peace and I unplug my house phone when I am eating, etc. I scroll quickly through the texts to make sure there's no red flags. It's exhausting. On the flipside, I am deeply saddened when I think about her illness from her POV. I have thought about guardianship but not sure what it means. Forcing her into a home - w/ or w/o guardianship or POA (which I do have0 - is, for our situation, will most likely result in the loss of an already tenuous mother-daughter relationship.

I'm interested in learning more about your journey….

II've read so many forum chats and just don't know how you all know how to navigate this and maintain your own lives and mental health.

H1235 · May 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/243037#Comment_243037

I’m sorry but you have already lost that mother daughter relationship. You are now in the role of parent. You wouldn’t let a 5 year old stay home alone because that is what they demand and you’re worried about upsetting them, because you don’t want to harm your relationship. What is more important, her health and safety or your relationship with her. With dementia she need an advocate and caregiver more than she needs a mother daughter relationship. If you have a DPOA you have not just a right but a responsibility to keep her safe (even if she doesn’t like it).

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