Anyone With Resentment?

No judgement here. Safe place to post honest feelings. I am resentful because I retired early to RV and live a full wonderful active life, doing the things I was always too busy working and raising kids, to do. When I retired I noticed his personality had changed. He's been sick most of the time I've been retired. Now we cannot do the things we planned, nor am I able to live the active, independent life I dreamed of. I realize it's not hos choice, it's the disease. I believe in for better or worse but who could have imagined dementia and how that changes everything. You need to get some help, take the gift of tome and do the things you can't do with him. Live your life in small sections of time to be good to yourself and allow you to become the priority, if only for a few hours. Praying you get some time to do the things you want to do. Resentment and depression can cripple us too.

I also have resentment. My wife was diagnosed 9 years ago but our marriage has not been good for 20+ years. I resent that she took those years of happiness away by her actions and choices. If it hadn't been for her diagnoses I think we would be divorced. I was close to leaving her over things that started over 20 years ago then she was diagnosed and I knew thing would not be easy. I didn't want to leave it to our kids to deal with her disease so I stayed. Now she don't remember what she did repeatedly, so now I resent her for what she took form me in our marriage and I resent that I can't enjoy my retirement. She is in MC and I go see her every day because she won't eat when they bring her food or try to get her to eat. She will eat when I am there and give it to her. I still care about her so there is an internal battle between caring and resenting. Most of the time I have come to accept the resentment and try not to look to the future because this is my foreseeable future. With her in MC now I try and do something in the mornings to stay active. I often wonder how my feelings would be different if we had a better more devoted marriage. I don't have a good answer of how to deal with it but you are not alone and sadly you kind of get used to it and it begins to feel kind of normal. You got to do what you believe is the right thing whatever you believe that is and take pride in doing the right thing.

I agree with the above and retired teacher. Don’t feel guilty. The amount of work a caregiver does is enormous and exhausting. I had a great marriage of 50 years before this rotten disease took over. It’s when I hear my ‘friends’ who have abandoned me due to feeling uncomfortable, going off on a cruise, or dinner with friends or a trip that encompasses France, UK, a yacht charter in Turkey then home. That does my head in and I feel so rotten. I figure it’s no good dwelling on what might have been so I just get on with it! Whatever that is planting a tree, baking a cake, dancing in the kitchen to some favourite music. It doesn’t change things but it helps you cope. Vent here we are all in the same boat.

Oh yes restments! I feel so resentful at times and then the guilt sets in! My marriage has had its ups and downs. I never image this would happen to my DH. 13 plus years of caring. I am tired. No end in sight. I do take advantage of respite care and as often as I able. It helps. I am a caregiver now not a wife.

I hope when DH dies I can cope with the sorrow of his passing and try to find me again!

All of the above. But I would like to strongly recommend to pre-warn all younger couples to “Do it now!”

Just before we were married in 1972, My husband’s grandfather gave us the best advice. He and his wife had worked all their lives, into their 70’s, with plans to travel when they retired. Then she got Alz and his hips and knees gave out, leaving him in a wheelchair. They never got to travel. He told us “Do it now! Don’t wait until you retire.” We took that advice to heart and have had a very busy, active and traveling lifestyle, dragging our 2 kids along with us. I have no regrets in that aspect. Plus, Alz was very prominent in his family so I wasn't taken by surprise. But THIS IS STILL NOT EASY! And yes, there are still regrets and frustrations and wanting to continue traveling. My heart does have more peace knowing we’ve already had a full life.

My advice is to let others know as they are starting out, to not wait, but go for life now, everyday.

I also learned from my Mom to not harbor bitterness. My Dad got Parkinson’s in the mid years of their retirement traveling and she became a very bitter woman. That was something I sure didn’t want to become.

This is an ugly road we are on but it is comforting to know that we support each other with love and compassion.

Resentment is very understandable, especially when many years of caregiver sacrifice are stacked upon years of a less-than-loving marriage. But we must all try to dig deep and not give in to the temptation. It’s like the “sirens song” that draws the sailors in, only to kill them on the rocks. Resentment can lead to a fatal, downward spiral with what’s left of our lives. Despite the immense sadness, frustration, and anger that can come from caregiving for a dementia spouse, I feel the best hope for a brighter future is if we accept the past as part of our life’s journey- good and bad. By taking some responsibility for our destiny we can remind ourselves that it is up to us to make decisions now and going forward (despite protests from our LO) that give us some control over the outcomes, and a hope for better days ahead.

This is my first time on this site, and your post speaks right to my situation. My DH has VD. This diagnosis is only months old, but I can see how he's had this for quite some time - years and years. I'm a mess inside. I'm a high school teacher. I'm 56. My DH is 64. We still have two teenagers in the house. He is so unpleasant. I am dealing with resentment, anger, self-judgment, you name it. Thank you for your post.

"I wish I could talk to someone but when I tried that he accused me of talking about him behind his back."

I have been in exactly that situation. In my case, DW did not think she has a problem (anosognosia) and wouldn't understand why I would need help. You are talking to someone, namely this group, and it's probably better than any single therapist. There's a lot of collective wisdom here, not to mention support.

I TOTALLY get it! My husband and I did not have a good marriage, and now I am wiping his bottom as he gets annoyed with me. I am resentful, angry, exhausted, and sad. But … I'm trying to figure out how to not live in this place because it is only hurting me at this point. So, trying to figure it out.

I too feel so resentful. My DH has Alzheimer’s for about 5 years now, it started many previous years before his diagnosis. It seems like 50 years. We have been married 45 years but not happily. I went from being controlled by my dad to being controlled by my husband. It was okay when my kids were young. Trying to break his control was impossible! Now with taking care of him I feel resentment and anger. As you have said I’m a caregiver now not a wife. I get one day (4) hours a week to myself. I just don’t really remember what I like doing, it’s been too long. I usually go grocery shopping, I have no relatives around or hardly any friends. I just take it day by day. He does seem happier now, almost like a toddler. Too bad it took this for him to feel happier and kinder towards me.

My DH has EO Alz and he is only stage 4/5. He is 50… I’m 43. Still raising kids. I am SO resentful that my experience as a mother and my kids’ childhoods are all about his dementia. Our lives have been hijacked. We are like roommates and barely even talk. I wanted to leave him before diagnosis bc he hadn’t worked in years (now I know why!), but I didn’t and now I’m stuck taking care of a useless man baby who can’t do anything to help me. I’m basically a single mom of 2 teens and this manchild who has been difficult. I wanted this to end. I want a life. I am miserable.

Oh, I feel I’m the Queen of Resentment! My husband is lost in Altzheimers. I have no idea who he is anymore. I’m trying to hold on to my faith, but no matter how much I pray, I’m not sure if the Lord hears me.
I’m actually questioning my own sanity. I’m angry and helpless, and pray every night for the Lord to call me home to Jesus. In fact, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about how our whole lives have been upended.
Bottom line: I don’t have a clue how all this will end. Tomorrow is my 75th birthday. I’m in a wheelchair because of a fall in Jan 25, and feel pretty hopeless.