Introduction and Question

How supportive are the friends/relatives that are nearby? Do they visit? Are they undermining your decisions? She may still do better being close to you. It's almost guaranteed that the time will come that you need to move her, so you might want to start looking into options in your area sooner rather than later.

For stories about the staff, I say, "Oh my!" or "Wow, I can't believe it!" but I do not approach staff or question them about it. If she wants follow up action about the DMV, agree, but not right now, for whatever reason, it's the weekend or holiday, they're closed today, their power went out—whatever.

welcome. You posted that she is in AL. Is she in MC? If not she should be. It’s a locked facility that can better care for dementia patients. I would also recommend moving her close to you. As the disease progresses, having her friends near won’t matter. Sadly, many will stop visiting then. Soon your Mom may need 24/7 care. It would be easier to manage that if she was closer to you. Learn all you can about dementia. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” and search for Tam Cummings videos online. Find an Elder Care Attorney who can answer your questions. Learn to fib. If she’s losing her phone, time to make it disappear. It’s common for dementia patients to throw things away. Tell her that her phone broken and you’re getting it repaired. The facility will call you if anything happens. They may have a phone she can use to call you once a day. Your Mom is having hallucinations, delusions and confabulations. Talk to the facility about what she is saying but let them know you are aware she is having delusions and you do not believe the statements are true. Talk to her doctor about medications that may help. Come here often for info and support.

The social worker is right to go along with whatever she says. The basic communication techniques for dementia involve saying whatever brings peace and comfort in the moment. Therapeutic fibs, validating emotions. Say I'm sorry that happened, I will look into it. Distract. The staff are likely used to it from other residents and will brush it off. If you hare concerned it will affect someoen, have a care conference with the head nurse next time you are there and discuss this angle so everyone is on the same page. The relatives who may believe her allegations need to read up on dementia. If them going after the POA is actually a threat, I would retain an attorney in her state just to stay on top of it. It should be fine, but could be a headache to deal with it in court.

In the interim, a geriatric care manager may help if the funds are there to be your eyes and ears on the ground. In the long term I would most certainly move her to your area. Family and friends fall away in the later stages. People think they will stick around but they tend to start disappearing as the person becomes more combative, more incontinent, less conversational, less herself. Even if this were not the case in this instance, there is no substitute for being near the POA. If your experience is anything close to normal there will come a time when you need to be able to get to the AL facility and/or the emergency room in short order, and do so often. In stages 5 and 6 I was needed at the facility many times, and met the ambulance at the ER at least a half a dozen times. When a PWD is enroute the the emergency room and doesn't know their medical history, can't advocate for themselves or even accurately communicate where pain is, the POA needs to be there immediately. Falls and injuries become very common in the middle and late stages. My mother was sent to the hospital from memory care for numerous falls, a seizure caused by the Alzheimers, and other things. Also, eventually your mom is unlikely to know where she is. They retreat into their minds and own little world, so usually it doesn't really matter where the facility is, it's all kind of the same to them eventually. They quit registering the climate or weather, what the year is or who is around them. Often caregivers wait too long, and it becomes a total debacle to move the person across the country. Flying becomes impossible (incontinence, needing help in the toilet, not having appropriate behavior, messing up TSA rules, anxiety and fear, the list goes on.) Driving takes days or weeks and many helpers. Some families even end up having to hire medical transport vans or planes at great expense. This has been discussed in these forums from people in very similar situations. Doing it when she can still participate may be the best option. Find the right fib. It's a visit, it's for the holidays, it's during fire season or the hot season or the cold season or whatever. Forget what anyone thinks. There will always be relatives who don't understand dementia or are judgmental; you have to do what is right for you and mom and not worry about them. Also happiness can be fleeting in the middle stages of dementia no matter how hard you try. Even a person who is living in their original home with their spouse can become very unhappy, suspicious of their family, and often starts to not even recognize the place, they want their childhood home or some other place of contentment that lives in their mind. Happiness can be elusive. Safety and well cared for becomes the priority. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's likely the hardest journey you will ever weather. Let us know how it goes and come back and ask questions.