Soo mad

I would always invite the "armchair" family and friends caregivers to come over and spend time with us so they could advise and show me how to be a "better" caregiver. It did not take too long for any snarky comments and suggestions to come to a screeching halt.

I'm sorry. It's hard to feel judged and unsupported.

When dad had dementia, I had 2 armchair quarterbacks weighing in on every decision which ironically rarely my decision given that mom was officially making the caregiving decisions. It was maddening but at least they didn't burden her with their nonsense.

Mom's sister, who loathed dad (and not without reason), disagreed with mom's choice to continue dad's androgen deprivation therapy for a recurrence of prostate cancer. Dad chose treatment in the middle stages just before he was diagnosed and mom didn't want to over-rule his decision. Treatment was an injection every 6 months. TBH, I agreed to continue hoping that he'd be less aggressive without circulating testosterone.

Dad's brother, of the 45-minute drive by visit at 6-week intervals, voiced his disapproval about placement ("it's not time yet" 7 weeks before he died) and about the lack of TV in dad's MC room insinuating that we didn't want to spend the money (dad couldn't distinguish between TV and reality)

And yet, as I said, I have been on the other side of this as a daughter who was forced to watch this disease consume both my parents. My mother was too close to see the situation clearly. Dad was not a pleasantly befuddled PWD and his care was difficult. He was uncooperative with food, exercise, medication and hygiene. She struggled to get all the tasks associated with running their lives done because he wanted her with him on the couch. His sleep was fractured, and she was sleep deprived. I was there pretty much every other day but he groused if I sat with him so she could nap or run an errand. It was the same with caregivers.

She developed feelings of hopelessness and neglected her own health. She finally agreed to place him and he adapted well thinking he was in rehab. He got better care there because he cooperated with staff. My mother was able to stand down from insisting he shower, eat and take his meds and their relationship improved. But after he died, she had a couple medical crises directly related to self-neglect. Long story, short. She became blind in one eye and was forced to stop driving. This has prevented her from living her best life in Stage 8 and frankly, her inability to get to her many appointments alone impacts our ability to enjoy the retirement DH and I had hoped for.

Not sure if any of this rings true in your situation. But if a bunch of people who love you are all saying the same thing, maybe they have a point.

HB

Let us not lose sight of how the financial side of this adds stress and complexity to the decision. Decent memory care can run 10K a month in many parts of the country. Aside from the emotional toll placement takes on the spouse, it can be start of the road to financial ruin (or "spousal impoverishment" as medicaid likes to call it.)

I always tell someone the following: If you can do a better job you can take over all of the care.