Falling issues

Amber · May 15

So, my grandfather continues to prove that he is the most stubborn person in the world. I and my father are currently full time caregivers of my grandfather who has Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. He is currently a medium fall risk as diagnosed by his doc and physical therapist. He is still very independent, being able to do most things himself still, besides cooking.

He has fallen a few times in the last few months, mostly in the shower. We have shower/tub and cannot afford to change it to only a shower. We have a handle for him to grab and a chair for the shower that he is supposed to use, however he refuses to use it. Activity taking it out before showering.

I'm just wondering if there is anything I or my father can do to make it safer for my grandfather? We try to tell him that it is very important he use the things we have given him to prevent injuries. He won't listen to us and even when he does, he seems to forget a few days later. So he continues to do things his own way. He doesn't seem able to connect the dots that not using equipment = I get hurt.

jfkoc · May 15

It is really difficult to take away someones independence. You need to be at your clever best. How about making the Dr the "bad" guy behind changes and do have an occupational therapist come to the house for the express purpose of lettiing your GF know that the goal is to keep him independent. They will help with more than the shower.

Here is a link which may help;

https://www.lifewaymobility.com/blog/making-your-bathroom-a-safe-space/

SDianeL · May 16

it’s the disease not his stubbornness. He can’t remember. He can no longer reason. His reasoner is broken. He needs full time care. If you can’t afford to fix the shower situation, he should move in with family or to a memory care facility for safety. Do you have a DPOA?

Amber · May 31

We do not have a DPOA. My father has HIPPA to attend doctors appointments but that is it. I have been pushing my dad to get POA for my grandfather because he wont let me.

Also, it's not just the disease, my GF has always been a "my way or the highway" kind of person. But this disease is making it worse. He wont listen to anyone about anything and actively gets angry when we suggest other options besides his.

I'm really lost. The family is divided on how much care he needs. My GF's sister agrees with me and my parents that he needs the help. His younger brother thinks he is absolutely fine. We cannot afford to house him in nursing home or memory care even if that is what he needs. We all live paycheck to paycheck and I am the only person looking for outside advice.

And even when I confront my parents with the advice that all of you are giving, they seem to just brush it off and nothing is getting done. They keep saying that we need to take things slow, which I agree with. But not doing anything at all is not "taking it slow".

Sorry for the little rant, but this whole situation is driving me crazy and nothing seems to be getting done when it needs to be. There has been no safety increases when it comes to potentially dangerous things (him taking more or less meds than he should). I handle is medication, but he has free range to get the bottles of meds and do whatever he wants with them. Especially his pain meds. He has them next to his bed and absolutely refuses to let me put them in the cabinet with the rest of his meds. I have had multiple conversations with my GF and my dad about managing them, and nothing is being done. He forgets if he has taken them, or he takes 2 at once instead of spacing it out. They aren't low doses either. We are talking 10 mlg of oxycodone 3 times a day! It is a safety hazard in my opinion and the only person with any real power, my father, doesn't seem to want to do anything about it. Honestly, I think it is because it's his father and he doesn't want to do anything to make him angry, even if it is the right thing to do at this point.

Advice is needed please!

SDianeL · May 31

although he’s been stubborn in the past, he could reason and remember and now he can do neither. It does no good to try to reason with him. It only agitates him more. Can he qualify for Medicaid? If so, they pay for care in a facility. Sadly, Without family support and a DPOA you can’t help him. He can no longer sign documents with dementia so getting one now is not possible. The only option would be guardianship and that’s very expensive. Sorry you are in this situation.

ARIL · May 31

You are right that the situation with the meds is dangerous, and all the meds need to be in a secure place where a responsible person can access them—but no one else. You are also right that someone needs DPOA. Sorry to say, but this situation will get worse rather than better; there is no cure for this disease. Your family members seem as though they are secretly hoping for everything to be OK, or back to how it once was. That’s hoping for magic, and thinking that way is not going to help anything. The family must deal with reality, not indulge wishful thinking.

At the same time, you can only do so much. If the family is not willing to see what is happening and will not act, they are making a choice to wait for a crisis. I saw a similar pattern in a family I know a few years ago; in that case the crisis came with an emergency hospitalization that led to a nursing home. It could have gone better if people had stepped up earlier—although they still couldn’t have stopped the disease, of course.

It is sometimes hard for adult children to accept that their parent is failing; being mature and making hard choices are difficult for people. I hope you can encourage them to see sense—for everyone’s sake. Reasoning with your GF may be fruitless, but I hope your father and your aunts and uncles can be persuaded to step up.

Wishing you well. It is a tough situation all around.

Iris L. · May 31

He has anosognosia. Please read about this. This means he is unaware that he is forgetful, also he is unaware of the need for safety measures. Despite how stubborn he used to be, now his brain is deteriorating and he will only get worse. Do not argue with him, just take his opiate medications away and replace them with Tic-Tacs. Then you can dispense the opiate medications as they were prescribed.

Iris

H1235 · May 31

You have received some great advice. I will just add a few little things. I would recommend you not bring up any of his symptoms to try to justify why he should or shouldn’t do something. Instead make up a story to explain. (I almost fell in the shower the other day. The bottom of the tub was so slippery. (I’m getting some no slip treads for the tub floor.) You will have to get creative. Or just do what needs to be done without telling him, behind the scenes. A second handle in the shower or even just outside the tub might help. My brother and I have not always agreed on the level of care mom needs. I often asked her doctor. Mom was more receptive to the doctors recommendations and restrictions than mine and so was my brother. It also allowed us to just blame the doctor. If you could attend a doctors appointment you might be able to bring some of these things up. With any luck your dad might get on board with more safety measures if the doctor recommends them. Many with dementia are angry and grumpy at all the freedoms they have lost. There might be medicine to help with this, but allowing him to do things that are not safe is not going to help. So if you handle medication and your dad won’t get mad, I would just take all the medication and hide it in a safe place in your room. I think the tic tac idea was great. Would you dad be open to learning more about dementia? There are some great things on YouTube. To be honest your dad sounds like as big an obstacle to care as your gf. I’ve attached the 10 absolutes of dementia care. Maybe this will help. Remember that just because It says to agree vs argue doesn’t mean he should do whatever he wants. If he says it’s my 50th birthday, you agree even if it’s his 80th. If he says he can manage his own finances you may agree, then intercept all the bills before he sees them and pay them. My brother was often confused by this and used it to justify doing whatever mom wanted. I hope there is something helpful here. Good luck.

Falling issues

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