Just need to vent a little
On June 5th we left my DH's Neurologists office and were told that he has months to live. We werent told an actual amount of months, just months. Today being fathers day I thought maybe I would get some extra help from one or more of our 4 adult children, but basically it was on me the whole day. Im so frustrated I cant see straight. I love my DH and we have been on this Alzheimers journey now 7 1/2 years. I have asked our kids for help, and they say "sure", but when it comes right down to helping I get none. Thanks for letting me vent..I know we are all struggling in one way or another.
Comments
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Hugs.
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Hi Bunny whisperer I hear you loud and clear. Two adult children in their 40’s both very supportive until I actually need real help, tree trimming or a minimal carer sitting so I can shop for essentials (undies etc) and a dental appointment. Suddenly it’s ok Mum but I’m busy today, tomorrow and the next day. So I basically feel a nuisance. Son, daughter in law and 2 lovely grandchildren coming up in two weeks time, staying in other accommodation thank goodness but I’m in a frantic tizz about how he is going to cope with his Dad, what to do with dinners etc (DH can no longer cope with either knives and forks, a spoon or finger food without it all going onto the floor or down the shirt) it’s stress, stress and more stress! I too am already exhausted and have to get myself somehow under control. What a torrid situation we are all in. Take care.
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typically behavior, sad
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@Bunny whisperer
I am sorry you we hurt and disappointed by your children being no-shows on Father's Day. It's frustrating when family doesn't have your back.
This is why I think it is critical for the caregiving parent and adult children to have a frank discussion of expectations. This goes double in a situation where parents move to access help from their grown kids. It's important to define what the parents want in the form of help and what the kids can and will offer.
I have seen this go sideways on this site many times. Some adult children subsume their own lives, moving in to provide lost income and taking on physical caregiving when they're not working. Some are able to offer a regular weekly break to which a caregiver can look forward. Some are willing to mow a lawn or drop off groceries. A few think forwarding random articles or critiquing caregiving is truly helpful. It might be helpful to have a talk about what you need to feel supported and what they can offer.
I can think of any number of reasons why you didn't see them on Father's Day. Perhaps they prioritized their families on the day or a father-in-law who can appreciate the gesture. Many adult children become detached from the PWD in a sort of visceral way as if that which is their parent is already gone; an adult child who feels that way would have been grieving and perhaps not up to a visit.
HB4 -
You take care also. Take some time for you..I know easier said than done ❤
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We have 2 of our children still living at home (oldest and youngest) the only no shows were the 2 middle ones who do have families of their own. A year ago I asked the 2 still living at home for extra help and even put up a white board with their names, days and tasks that they agreed to help with, but still no help. Im not a loud person, but maybe I need to become loud so they will get off their phones or games and do something.
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so sorry you are not getting help. It happens all too frequently. Family and friends abandon the caregiver. We feel so alone. Hugs. If you haven’t already read it, here a link to “The Calvary Isn’t Coming” an essay by Bill on this forum.
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@Bunny whisperer
Your follow up brings significant nuance to the story. How old are these men?
On one hand, adult children who live at home need to be active contributors to the household. On the other hand, depending on their ages, they've not had much of the father-son experience of their peers. The kind of apathy you're describing could be depression.
If they're home, could you just leave and expect them to keep an eye on their dad?
HB1 -
HB
Our oldest son is 34 and our youngest is a daughter age 24. Our son helps out more than our daughter, but still not much more. Our daughter feels she shouldnt have to take dad to the bathroom or help with anything personal like that. She is the one who gets us to DH's daycare once a week and Im grateful for that help, but she agreed to doing dishes 3xs a week and cooking once a week, but she fills her after work or days off with stuff outside the house. Our oldest is a gamer who stays up all night. I have had to ask for his help in the middle of the night when DH wet his bed and took a swing at me ( he missed) out of anger that he couldnt go back to bed right away. Im thankful for those times when they do help, but need them to do what they said they would.
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SDianeL
That artical was amazing thank you for sending to me 💜.
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Oh HELL no. These grown people living in your house need to complete the tasks you need, not just what they want to do. They help or they leave. Period. If they choose to leave, you won't be losing much help, right? Are they helping you financially at all?
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Are your adult children paying rent? If not, offering to charge significant rent to allow you to hire help might be helpful. They are no longer children that should be able to expect a free ride. When my adult son stopped doing dishes, I stopped cooking for him. When he also refused (he never admits he won't do something—he just doesn't do it) to help in the large yard, I started talking about selling the house and moving somewhere smaller. That got his attention.
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YELP, I learned the hard way. I thought our 2 sons would help me take care of their mother. Instead they've became master magician. Harry Houdini can't come close to them 2 Knotheads. I still love our sons, their good husbands, fathers, but not so as sons. I've been taking care of DW for 6yrs now without them. They may throw me a bone every once in awhile, with a quick phone call asking how I'm doing, but that's it. I'm pretty sure they think their fooling me and our friends with a little attention towards the old man. Everyone who is truly involved in our lives can see what is going on. It use to piss me off to no end, but then I realized I was wasting my time thinking of their dumb asses (can I say that on the forum?). Now instead of thinking of them and how mad it was making me, is spent in better areas like watching the neighbors horses take a crap in their pastor. I say it like that because no matter how much I would think about it or how mad I would get, nothing was going to change. The only thing that was changing was my stress level and blood pressure for the worst. Just except it for what it is and move on taking care of your LO. Kids can be pretty cruel to their parents. Hang in there Bunny whisperer
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Dayn2nite2 yes they do pay some rent
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Wow, this is one of the few instances I will say I feel lucky on this path. When my DH diagnosed my oldest moved home and finished last semester of college online. He is in the waiting process of getting into OTS school in Air Force. He does all of the shopping, cooking, cleaning kitchen, and playing cruise director with his dad (EOAD 58 yo). When I need quiet time, he takes his dad on errands. Our youngest transferred to college closer to home and works a lot to help offset college expenses but calls his dad daily and visits as work allows. This has allowed me to work lots extra shifts to build up savings for future. I have not figured out what to do when oldest leaves, ready and excited for him to take next step in his life, but boy will I miss the help. Can not count on DH siblings for any help. Our boys have been realistic in they do not want to lose both parents . Bunny whisperer I hope your children will step up. I’m only 1 1/2 yrs ( well official) into this horrible diagnosis.
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Then they need to pay enough rent for you to hire a caregiver to do the things they don't want to do so the care is less of a burden on you.
You determine the amount it would cost and raise each person's "rent" by that amount per month. Keep in mind that a caregiver will be difficult to find for one or two days a week, giving someone more than 30 hours a week will be much easier for you to get help.2
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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