Obsessed about driving!

JC5 · June 22

I know this has been discussed and I have read all the posts regarding this topic, but I just don’t know what to do. DH with vascular dementia cannot remember what happened 5 minutes ago or what he did today is totally obsessed with wanting his car! We have spoken about when it’s time to stop driving and safety etc and of course he agreed he would when it was time. He hasn’t driven in months - last time he drove, he went to the bank twice, took $200 out each time and when I asked where he was, he didn’t remember! His car battery died after that, thank God. He occasionally wanted to go for a drive, told him car died. And that was that. My son jumped the car and took it home about 3 weeks ago. We told DH my son was working on it. Well the past week or so he has become obsessed with his car. Where is it who has it, over and over all day. I give him same answer your son is looking at what’s wrong with it. DH is now calling my son, his daughters asking for his car. I said you agreed to stop driving when it became unsafe. He refuses to believe that. Says he’s fine, banging his cane, insisting he needs his car. Tell him it’s not working. I try to redirect, change the subject, etc. He won’t budge!
Thinking maybe have my son bring it home and disconnect something - although my son has been using the car and it’s been a help to him. Suggestions? Tks everyone

Worriedwife123 · June 22

My hubby only drives when parking the car to the 4th floor. For some reason, i can’t bring it up because it’s too narrow for me but he does it perfectly.

Even though I have a newer car, he still prefers his 11 year old Lexus. He said it’s more comfortable than my Jeep.

My only problem when driving is that he is my human GPS and would tell me that there are cars coming from the right merging to us and he will tell me to stop when approaching a stop sign (for the police he says) and red traffic light. He also watches my speed and reminds me the speed limit frequently. I learned not to let it bother me but these are new changes in him these past months and I know that it can be the progression of the disease.

Hugs to you and your husband. Maybe just tell him that your son needs it and he wouldn’t insist in driving it.

ronda b · June 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73345/obsessed-about-driving

Sounds like a good idea.

ronda b · June 22

Lol. My DH does the same thing. It's irritating but I'm ok with it as long as he isn't trying to drive.

sandwichone123 · June 22

I'd let the son keep the car, but never drive it to your house or anywhere that your dh will see it. Tell him the parts are stuck in "supply chain issues." Still waiting on parts. They can take months to come in these days. Lather, rinse, repeat. If you find a story that works, stick to it.

trottingalong · June 22

Don’t bring the car back. I like what sandwichone123 suggested.

upstateAnn · June 22

I call my husband my wingman. He has assumed the role.

H1235 · June 23

I would not bring the car back. You can hope that eventually it might be out of sight out of mind. I would also not even try to tell him he agreed to give up the car when it was no longer safe. He has anosognosia. He does not see his symptoms or limitations. There will be no convincing him or reasoning with him.

SDianeL · June 23

His reasoner is broken. You can’t reason with him. He won’t remember agreeing to anything. Don’t argue or try to remind him. Just keep repeating the car is being worked on. Can you tell him it’s in the shop and parts have been ordered so he stops calling your son? If he’s agitated you could talk to his doctor about anti-anxiety meds. Hopefully the obsession will pass. We know how you feel.

harshedbuzz · June 23

@JC5

Unfortunately, there are those who forget everything but

hold onto driving as

harshedbuzz · June 23

Ugh. The site is doing that thing again.

Continued from above because it won't let me edit…

hold onto driving as an obsession for a very long time. The very last conversation I had with my dad hours before he died was him extracting a promise from me to bring him his car in case he needed to go somewhere. He was far enough along and in a secure facility which meant I could placate him with a promise to bring one next time I visited and leave the keys at the desk.

Before that, we heard about driving all the d@mned time. We were fortunate that his neurologist was the one who banned driving which allowed us to be his allies in validating how unfair it was. He sold his car in a fit of pique to prevent me getting it. As if I wanted a massive sedan that looked like it had been through demolition derby. BTW, he still accused me to taking on the regular. Before that, we disappeared it by parking out of his sightline.

You are breaking the cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club— don't reason with someone who has a broken reasoner. Create a fiblet about why the car isn't there— your son is working on it and he's waiting on a part from China that's delayed because of supply chain issues or tariffs or whatever will resonate with him. Rinse and repeat. If it helps, create a script so you don't have to invest any emotional bandwidth to repeating as often as you'll need to and validate his frustration. Your son and daughter should deliver the same response and validation. BTW, if he's calling more than is appropriate, it is perfectly acceptable for the kids to let his calls go to voicemail and return his call when it's convenient for them.

The intensity of the fixation on this topic will likely diminish with time and disease progression.

HB

Cate2024 · June 23

My husband has not driven in 10 months. I had my son remove a fuse so his truck wouldn't start. What u don't want is to be the person saying he can't drive. I told him if he wanted to drive we would have to go to his family doctor and if Dr John said is was OK (knowing he never would) we'd get his vehicle working. Dr said no at this time. So whenever he brings it up, I say we'll have to try to get another appointment with his Dr to discuss. He's not happy about it but I've removed myself from the equation.

Sandi Roe · June 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73345/obsessed-about-driving

my LO was also obsessed with driving, he still is! I sold his car and tell him he is not insured on my car. He did get a notice from the DMV to take a driving test. So before we sold his car he got lost driving to the DMV🤦‍♀️he did pass his drivers test, but has to take it once a year . Next time the written one also. He is stage 4 Alzheimer’s. Reasoning with them is fruitless, that part of their reasoning brain has already been destroyed by dementia. He now feels trapped since he drove to Lowe’s or Home Depot every day for something. I try to take him anywhere he wants to go but I am also worn out. Good luck, and give the son the car, out of site out of mind! Sandi

l7pla1w2 · June 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73345/obsessed-about-driving

You say your son has the car. Could you tell DH the car was in a crash and was totaled, but your son is okay?

harshedbuzz · June 23

@JC5

I would run the idea of gifting the car by an elder law attorney before giving it to your son. In the event, one of you needs institutional Medicaid because you don't have the funds and/or a robust LTC policy, gifting with the 5-year-lookback could delay benefits.

HB

tboard · June 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73345/obsessed-about-driving

That is a tough one. My DH often has meltdowns over driving. He reminds me that he has a drivers license. He doesn't understand that he has vascular dementia and Alzheimer's and any executive function he had is long gone. Some days he tells me about how he is going to get a job and buy a car so he can drive again. Last week he was asking where his car is. We were sharing a car, which I sold last year and replaced it with a car I bought from our son. He gets very angry and aggressive and is always asking to drive. The only words of wisdom I have on this is that not being able to drive can be a huge issue. With my DH there is no way to redirect him when he wants to drive and I have hidden all of the car keys.

JC5 · June 23

Thanks everyone! I guess there is no One answer or remedy to this dilemma! It’s so hard and unbearably for all involved!

sandwichone123 · June 24

You don't have to give the car to your son if you don't mind continuing to pay the insurance. Just add him as a driver and keep ownership of the car. I understand the rules vary by state, but keeping the car and letting him drive it may be a viable option.

weareallunique · June 24

Be sure your son is a covered driver under your auto and if you have one , an excess policy. If you are the owner you will be liable for accidents& tickets with that car.

Obsessed about driving!

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