Obsessed about driving!

Sounds like a good idea.

I'd let the son keep the car, but never drive it to your house or anywhere that your dh will see it. Tell him the parts are stuck in "supply chain issues." Still waiting on parts. They can take months to come in these days. Lather, rinse, repeat. If you find a story that works, stick to it.

I call my husband my wingman. He has assumed the role.

His reasoner is broken. You can’t reason with him. He won’t remember agreeing to anything. Don’t argue or try to remind him. Just keep repeating the car is being worked on. Can you tell him it’s in the shop and parts have been ordered so he stops calling your son? If he’s agitated you could talk to his doctor about anti-anxiety meds. Hopefully the obsession will pass. We know how you feel.

Ugh. The site is doing that thing again.

Continued from above because it won't let me edit…

hold onto driving as an obsession for a very long time. The very last conversation I had with my dad hours before he died was him extracting a promise from me to bring him his car in case he needed to go somewhere. He was far enough along and in a secure facility which meant I could placate him with a promise to bring one next time I visited and leave the keys at the desk.

Before that, we heard about driving all the d@mned time. We were fortunate that his neurologist was the one who banned driving which allowed us to be his allies in validating how unfair it was. He sold his car in a fit of pique to prevent me getting it. As if I wanted a massive sedan that looked like it had been through demolition derby. BTW, he still accused me to taking on the regular. Before that, we disappeared it by parking out of his sightline.

You are breaking the cardinal rule of Dementia Fight Club— don't reason with someone who has a broken reasoner. Create a fiblet about why the car isn't there— your son is working on it and he's waiting on a part from China that's delayed because of supply chain issues or tariffs or whatever will resonate with him. Rinse and repeat. If it helps, create a script so you don't have to invest any emotional bandwidth to repeating as often as you'll need to and validate his frustration. Your son and daughter should deliver the same response and validation. BTW, if he's calling more than is appropriate, it is perfectly acceptable for the kids to let his calls go to voicemail and return his call when it's convenient for them.

The intensity of the fixation on this topic will likely diminish with time and disease progression.

HB

my LO was also obsessed with driving, he still is! I sold his car and tell him he is not insured on my car. He did get a notice from the DMV to take a driving test. So before we sold his car he got lost driving to the DMV🤦‍♀️he did pass his drivers test, but has to take it once a year . Next time the written one also. He is stage 4 Alzheimer’s. Reasoning with them is fruitless, that part of their reasoning brain has already been destroyed by dementia. He now feels trapped since he drove to Lowe’s or Home Depot every day for something. I try to take him anywhere he wants to go but I am also worn out. Good luck, and give the son the car, out of site out of mind! Sandi

@JC5

I would run the idea of gifting the car by an elder law attorney before giving it to your son. In the event, one of you needs institutional Medicaid because you don't have the funds and/or a robust LTC policy, gifting with the 5-year-lookback could delay benefits.

HB

Be sure your son is a covered driver under your auto and if you have one , an excess policy. If you are the owner you will be liable for accidents& tickets with that car.