Angry
I’m not sure why, but all of a sudden I find myself angry at my husband. I snap at him when he asks me the same thing over and over. When he was diagnosed with ALZ I was able to stay calm and compassionate. Now I feel like I’m falling apart. Has anyone else experienced this. He’s in the early stages so he’s not even bad yet.
Comments
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As he changes so will you. some things won't bother you much but then for no real reason all of a sudden it will really push your buttons, then later it will not bother you as much again. You can try to always be patient but sometimes all our patients is gone. Just keep doing the best you can.
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I understand and feel exactly the same way. I try to be patient, but I too get angry and impatient and snap at my DH, especially when I have to clean his incontinence. I've always heard that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, and I asked a friend if he thought that was true. He said yes he did, but that he wasn't in my situation either. Every day I wonder how much longer I have to bear this burden. I just wanted to let you that you are not alone in how you feel.
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We shouldn't beat ourselves up when we get frustrated and impatient, but we do. We see new problems and unexplainable behavior changes that don't make sense to us, and we think we should be able to fix or assuage these issues; the repetition, Deja vu, confusing fears or thoughts with reality, it's all so unpredictable. We have to be vigilant, and "meet them where they are" as the saying goes. All we can do is keep trying different things and be willing to accept the unacceptable; try to solve the unsolvable, and forgive the unforgivable. DW is in stage 6 but is better than expected physically. That's a blessing.
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Same here. I get angry (internally, furious) I journal about my short comings and promise myself I will do better. I recently read this and it helped with my perspective. Upsetting behaviors are seldom done “on purpose” or to spite you or annoy you. That requires a sophisticated level of cognition that the person with dementia is struggling to maintain or has more likely lost.
When I’m honest about my anger, it’s really about exhaustion and the loss of my marital relationship. I’m angry that my DH has been stolen from me.
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you are angry at the disease, not him. Some go in the bathroom and lock the door and scream or cry so they won’t show anger toward their LO. You’re human. 💜
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I have had those long periods when "a behavior" will not bother me at all and then the next week with the same behavior, I am far less able to keep that positive attitude or perspective. In reflection, my lack of patience and subsequent anger almost always has more to do with my own current level of rest, reserves, and respite.
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A month ago I was furious at my DH over something trivial that I could have redone later. I gut yelled “Do what you want” as I walked away. He said, “We are in big trouble.” (meaning our relationship). I yelled back, “Yes we are!!” And in my mind I thought, “and you won’t even remeber this!” I had to chuckle to myself right afterward.
After that incident I had to adopt “Let It Go!” since my stress level was so high. I’m not going to be the caregiver that dies first! I’m amazed that I haven’t allowed myself to stress out since then, always reminding myself to “Let It Go”. About 2 weeks later we saw a group of protesters marching by and he wanted to know about it. Hindsight—I should have said simply that I don’t know. Instead, I tried to describe to him the reason and after about a 5 min stuggle we either dropped it or he said ok. So since then I added “K.I.S.S” (Keep it simple silly) Both quotes are written on my inspiration board in the kitchen. I have been do quite well this last month. 🙏 I’m being realistic that this too may not last.
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I think we all, as caregivers, go through this same struggle. I do like others have mentioned and silently scream/ cry in the shower. I have found it helpful to talk with a therapist regularly. I also journal which helps.
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I don't like that saying. Sometimes we do have more than we can handle and that means it's time to get help. God did not intend for us to go it alone, to do all things and do them well. This site is a great place to find ideas and solutions but sometimes you need someone else to step in so you can have a break. Sometimes, our Loved Ones need placement in MC because it's the best thing for them, and us.
Blessings,
jjehjeh
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Make sure you are taking time away to take care of yourself. You need to be taking regular breaks . Get whatever help you can and if you can find a support group or someone to talk to it will help.
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Well said. Thank you.
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God won't give us more then we can handle is like the guy in the flood when a neighbor came by to help him he said no thank you God will take care of me. The water kept raising a the guy had to go upstairs to stay out of the water. A boat came by and asked if he wanted a ride and he said no God will take care of me. The water kept raising and he had to climb onto the roof. A helicopter came by to help him and he said no thank you God will take care of me. The water kept raising and the guy drowned. When he got to Heaven he asked God Why didn't you save me, and God said I sent your neighbor, a boat and a helicopter what did you want.
Maybe God won't give us more then we can handle (I don't know about that) but if we don't take the help he offers that is on us. As I write this I think that it is a good lesson for me because sometimes I will die on that hill of a thought or idea and if I keep that attitude I probably will die on that hill.
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You are not alone. I was angry at my DH at first, then realized I was just angry at the situation we were in. Now, he is in stage 6 and Alz is just sucking the life out of both of us. My therapists has explained to me that this anger is very normal and is a part of the grieving process. We grieve the life we thought we would have, we anticipate the loss of our DH and grieve etc. I am angry at my family who has truly abandoned us - never calls, never visits. Don't be hard on yourself.
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What is with the families?! I know the Calvary isn’t coming and all that. But when I stop to think about the lack of connection, I’m floored. Like @Denise1847 says, no calls, no visits, no interest, nothing! I think, please Lord, help me not to be like that when I know someone is dealing with something bigger than themselves. It’s all very sad and disappointing.
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My DH is Stage 6 and for the past 10 months thinks his wife left him and I have been hired as his caregiver. He regular rants about the 14 men who drugged him while his wife watched. He generally behaves like a petulant 4 year old if he doesn't like my responses to his behaviors. And I do occasionally lose it, more so of late. Mostly the next morning he doesn't remember what transpired, either with his behavior or my response. He doesn't know me as his wife, no shared memories, no thank yous for a job well done. No support from his family. It's a very rough road, and I often wish for it to be over, then I feel bad for wishing it to be over.
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I think those really rough times have made me a better person. I’ve had days I couldn’t even manage a simple smile for the cashier at the grocery store. I found myself being that grumpy person. I recall times in the past I’ve seen people that have been grumpy and unable to smile with considerably less compassion than I should have given them. I no longer think, would it hurt them to just smile.
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I understand and feel exactly the same way. I try to be patient, but I too get angry and impatient and snap at my DW.
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Burn out, pure and simple. 24/7 caretakingis hard, and draining. You need to find a way to get respite care if at all possible.
I have times where I can roll with it, but then stretches where I just can't. I think about going to bed from the minute I get up and deal with headaches. This is my personal sign that it is time to pay for additional help to get some time away.
Dh is now in hospice, but could linger for quite a while. I too just want this to be done
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Something that helped me … as I was totally grossed out cleaning the slimy poligrip and food from my husbands dentures, I had a thought. What if these were Jesus’s dentures I was cleaning. I thought … I would be honored to clean them. The scripture came to me … when you do it to the least of these my brothers, you do it unto me. Now, I think of that everyday when cleaning those dentures and my attitude is completely different.
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do you find journaling helpful in releasing the anger? I find I am irritated with the never ending questions. DH is still working yet at home it is non-stop questions. How is he still working? Sometimes he tells me he isn’t talking to me because I am mean. Or he asks why I’m grumpy all the time. I feel bad
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I Journal on my lap and it helps me get my feeling out and somewhat organized. Then a day or two later I go back and read what I wrote and usually delete part of it because putting it down helped me in the moment but a lot of times it is not something that I would want anyone to read later. I do leave a lot of my experiences and feeling that someone my read some day. I am sure if I went back read it again there are things that I would say different but I haven't ever gone back to read older things.
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I am so grateful to have found this site. It an answer to prayer. I had been getting to my limit in having to answer the same questions all day long. The 10 absolutes in dementia care showed me I was violating all of them! No wonder we were struggling so much! Thank you, to whoever shared them! Already I am feeling much better and have less stress and more hope of being able to handle this, at least today!
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You're not alone. We are only human. The other day I snapped at DH too. It was so silly. Over which COVID vaccine and booster we took. He kept arguing it wasn't what we took and started to blame his condition on the vaccines. I finally snapped and yelled "why are you arguing with me? what's the point?" I felt good (release of pent up frustration) and bad (losing my cool) afterwards. What an emotional roller coaster.
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I thought that I would never need to join a discussion like this - I am a private person and don't share my feelings - but enough is enough. I have been caring for DJ for 4 years but his recent decline has pushed me into frequently feeling angry and guilty. After 3 consecutive episodes of "behaviors" in one day, I became simply furious - now my blood pressure is up, and I feel my usually kind self is evaporating. I knew I needed perspective. Still not easy to share this - but still glad I found this discussion. It truly helped me to feel that I am not alone. Just wrote "let it go" on my reminder board. Thanks all. Ill be back8
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I am also very private, but I have said things here that I have not said to anybody else, and everyone is going through their own stuff, but the experience here has been helpful. I think it may be the anonymity and shared issues that has made it easier to open up. I still don't post a lot, but I read every day.
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I’m glad you felt that you could post here. I’m sure you will find plenty of others who have experienced the same situation. My DH has been in the hospital for 16 days and has at least another 3 days to go. Until yesterday he was pretty quiet, delirious, easy. The past 2 days he has been his old self. Today, he kept repeating the same things and got angrier with me as the day went on. I found I wasn’t speaking as kindly to him as I have before. I just reached the end of my rope I guess. I hate not only what this horrible disease is doing to him, I hate what it is doing to me too. I am tired of keeping myself in check at all times.
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Besides all the built-up frustration, fatigue and so on that others have mentioned, I think that when I snap at my DH it is often that the burden of always having to bite my tongue and stuff feelings just reaches a boiling over point. Apologize, remind your loved one that you love him, forgive yourself. You are only a human trying.
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Living with someone who has Alzheimer's is a huge adjustment that makes us all a little angry. In my case I feel cheated. Those dreams of retiring one day and traveling together are gone. Even going to our favorite hotel for a day or two is our past and not our future. Give yourself time to adjust. You have been dealt a major blow.
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I was just reading the posts about being a private person. I am starting to think I am private to my own detriment at this point. I find it almost fearful to post.. I typically come here to read for a sense of reassurance and not to feel alone, but I’ve never felt so alone in all of my life. My newly diagnosed DH seems to have lost all emotion… can go an entire day without saying anything at all. He gets hyper focused on a task that must happen - he has lost all flexibility and reason- I’m exhausted and feel alone.. I completely understand the frustration. this is only the beginning-what delineates transitioning from one stage to the next? I suppose these are all questions for the neurologist for our next visit-
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We stopped being perfect the moment we were born. As much as we all would like to be perfect caregivers, we can't do it. I suspect even professional caregivers have some of these moments. So relax, keep doing what feels right, and feel good when you handle something well. There are lots of those moments for all of us but we miss them because we want perfection.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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