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dee1003
dee1003 Member Posts: 2
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Hello everyone,
My mom has all the symptoms of Alzheimer’s but is very stubborn and living in denial and doesn’t want to admit she has a problem and her symptoms are getting worse and worse affecting both of our lives daily. I am in my early 20’s and an only child who is trying to care for her mom but I’m limited in what I can do. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

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  • ReineckeB
    ReineckeB Member Posts: 9
    First Comment
    Member

    Hello! I was there not long ago. She was in denial for a long time. She lied to me a lot to hide how advanced she was. I encourage you to keep trying to get her to a Doctor. Keep talking to her about what you see. I know that sounds like non-advice, but I had to keep on my mom until one day she just knew she couldn't do it alone. If there us anyone else in her life that she is close to, ask for help to convince her.

  • Snowe
    Snowe Member Posts: 3
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    I got her into the doctor about another issues and then communicated with the doctor on the side to let them know everything we were seeing. From there, the doctor asked some questions, ordered some tests and we got a diagnosis. I recommend a neurologist if you can, but a regular doctor is a good start too.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 1,742
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    welcome. Sorry about your Mom. Your mom is not in denial. She has Anosognosia which is a neurological condition that prevents people from recognizing or acknowledging their mental health or neurological deficits. Someone here posted that “you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” so no amount of talking to her will help. You need to have legal paperwork to be able to help your Mom. Make an appointment with an elder care attorney to get a DPOA and HIPPA documents. Tell her you are doing yours and both of you should go. If that doesn’t work you may need to talk to an attorney about guardianship. Call her doctor and tell the nurse your concerns and make an appointment, then make up a fib something like the doctor’s office called and said that your Mom’s insurance requires she have an annual physical. You will need to use fibs to get her to go. Go with her. Tell the nurse not to mention her cognitive issues to your Mom. See if you can get a referral to a Neurologist. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my husband’s diagnosis. Come here often for info & support. Learn all you can about the disease. It will help you help her.

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 962
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    Welcome. What you noticing is probably not denial. A common symptom of dementia is anosognosia. This is the inability of a person with dementia to recognize their symptoms or even limitations. This makes everything so difficult. Pointing out symptoms or shortcomings tends to upset the person with dementia. There is a saying here that you can’t reason with someone with a broken reasoner. I would suggest you stop trying to convince her she has dementia. It’s best to be a bit more indirect, do things without her knowing, maybe even fib. I assume she has not been diagnosed. There are treatable reasons for dementia like symptoms. A doctors visit is a must. Could you tell her the doctors office called and she needs to go in for a routine checkup? I would then contact the doctor and explain your concerns. If you can get access to the patient portal that works great, if not a letter to the doctor may work. Do you have hipaa rights? While at the office casually ask her if it’s ok. Is she still driving, managing money? These are tough issues that usually become a problem in the beginning. Legal matters are also another important issue to address. You really need a DPOA. I assume you don’t have it. Again it might be best to approach this as “I’m worried about what might happen down the road. It’s really a good idea to have this kind of thing handled now.” It’s best not to mention dementia or any of her symptoms as this will just cause problems. If you have a specific problem you need help with ask this group. They are so helpful and understanding. I have attached a staging tool that is very helpful.

  • H1235
    H1235 Member Posts: 962
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  • LEL888
    LEL888 Member Posts: 1
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    Hi there: I just want you to know you are not alone. I am also an only child (though I am 60), and I am dealing with similar issues with my mom. Unfortunately, all of my mother's issues are exacerbated by the fact that she has always had undiagnosed mental health issues that mean she rapidly fluctuates from charming to cruel (BPD), and was always very adept at lying and manipulation (NPD). She has been able to keep her "act" (and I do mean act) together for a short time and in public, but her ability to maintain a facade is starting to slip. She recently acted inappropriately and cruelly to me at my daughter's wedding. She has been increasingly paranoid and aggressive. She cannot keep track of important details and insists we are all lying or think she is "stupid or "senile." It used to be that she would pick fights occasionally, but she just wants to fight with family all of the time now. She absolutely refuses to acknowledge any cognitive or emotional issue. In my mom's case, this is not anosognosia but, rather, a lifelong pattern that has gotten worse (I am a clinical psychologist with geriatric experience, so I do know the difference). She has alienated dozens of friends over the course of her lifetime, so there are very few people left who can check in on her. Luckily, I am in communication with her attorney and financial advisor, and I am also in therapy. However, we are at an awful in- between stage in which her disease has not progressed to the point that she cannot live alone, but she is getting close. Because she is mean and a liar, it is impossible to have any kind of rational discussion with her. I would like to be able to get support from to others who have abusive/mentally ill parents whose symptoms are now exacerbated by dementia.
  • dimiru
    dimiru Member Posts: 1
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    Member

    Found this forum today. Also only child. Purchased a home with my mother and moved in a week ago. My adult son lives with us to save money. Very thankful for him because he is the one who gets her cable reworking every day. My mother has excellent long term care insurance, and always said she’d never live with me. But when her doc said she could no longer live alone or drive, she became open to it, refusing any other option. Glad to learn the term anosognosia, and just read more. Sad to learn that this is permanent with brain degeneration. Some okay to good days, but other days sulking around depressed saying she made a mistake moving out of her apartment. Misses her neighbors, but refuses to visit the beautiful senior center close by or call her friends. Refuses to return to her beloved doc who told me that she blames me for everything, that this will be rough, and to make him the bad guy which helped a lot. Trying to figure out how to get her to a neurologist. Sad that she could have stayed in her seniors only apt with help if she would have stopped driving. But she started driving more and longer distances once her doc told her to stop driving. She has always been anxious and depressed, and I now wonder if she has undiagnosed ADHD/Autism. She has always had meltdowns. So hard to tell what is mental health and what is dementia. I can sometimes redirect her mood by asking questions about her successful career or happy childhood, but I’m exhausted from my extremely stressful job and lack of sleep. She was often an absent parent, so I’ve given up trying to reminisce about my childhood. She doesn’t remember. So hearing the same stories every day about her happy childhood is bringing up some stuff. Sorry to go on and on in response to your post. Just so thankful to find this particular post. I relate so much to everyone here.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 1,742
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    welcome. Sorry about your Mom. If your Mom is in mid stages of dementia, it’s probably the dementia causing her behavior and no longer her previous mental issues. If she’s not on anti psychotic medications maybe it’s time to talk to her doctor. It would help her anxiety and agitation. She won’t be happy anywhere anymore. Her brain is broken. They usually take out their anxieties on their primary caregiver. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me after my DH’s diagnosis. Can your adult son help her at night so you can get some sleep?

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more