Trapped

JC5 · July 3

Well we are at that stage where I’m feeling really trapped! DH has been obsessing about his car on a daily basis.(previous post about that) . I just nod and walk away as he follows me yelling he wants his car. He just finished with home PT and an aide 3 days a week for 3 weeks. He of course was so nice to them. Did whatever they asked, never complained. He even walked several blocks with the aide twice a day ! As soon as they left he wanted his car, his legs were killing him, he was in pain. Yet no mention to PT or aide about issues. Only me!

I get it, but now everytime I go out he calls our children - several times while I’m out -saying mom took my car, she doesn’t want me to drive. I want my car. I feel I can’t go out anymore, not because he can’t be home for short periods, I know that day of not staying home alone is coming- it’s b/c he harasses the children! Looking into adult daycare, closest one about 15 miles away and $100 a day plus $80 if you want transportation. Talking to an agency about an aide $42/hr. Not less than 6 hrs. a day- so $250 a day for someone to keep him company. Anyone have a money tree I can plant in my yard? Thanks for listening.

Russinator · July 3

((HUGS))

cavenson · July 3

Unfortunately, there’s no perfect solution. When a PWD loses driving privileges, it’s a major loss for them, and very few will understand why they should no longer be driving. Did DH’s doctor speak with him about giving up driving? When DH calls the children, will they all be on the same page and gently reinforce that DH should no longer be driving? Also, now is when he needs some extra attention from the children and you taking him off for outings. My DH was finally forced to give up driving a month ago. His children said they would give him more attention and take him off more; but so far that’s been a bit disappointing. One thing that has helped is getting him a mobility scooter to use around our 55+ neighborhood. He has some mobility problems, and this lets him get out and visit neighbors.

Take a deep breath and know that you’ve done the right thing by preventing DH from driving. We have to live in the moment. I try to remind myself of the following Bible verse: Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matthew 34

Quilting brings calm · July 3

Sounds like adult day care with you transporting him is the most cost efficient. You can run errands, read a book, go home and come back for him. Unless you live in a really busy location, 15 miles each way should still leave you time to relax
I also suggest you text your kids when you leave him at the house so that they can know the phone calls may start up. That way they can choose to answer or let it go to voicemail. Another text again when you get back.

RetiredTeacher · July 3

RetiredTeacher · July 3

Similar situation here with DH calling and texting me whenever I leave the house. He does not drive anymore due to several strokes and thankfully doesn't try. He can still do his ADLs and is still able to be safe when left alone. He is extremely emotionally needy and can't understand why I want or need time without him. I try to get out once a week for 3 hrs but it's always a struggle....he pouts and makes life miserable but I know I NEED TO GET OUT BY MYSELF EVERY WEEK OR I WILL BLOW UP AND SELF DESTRUCT.

He really needs more socialization than I can provide but he refuses to consider a day program, hobbies, games, activities...just sits and watches TV unless I plan an outing or activity for us. So we continue on, me planning joint outings and errands 3x a week, him watching TV and me looking forward to and planning my next time away. Provide supervision for him if he is at that stage and be sure to SAVE YOURSELF AND YOUR SANITY. Prayers and Hugs

KathyF1 · July 3

Is he on any meds? My husband is now in stage 6. But 2 years ago I was where you are. Not the same issues but he just extremely irritating from morning to night, following me literally everywhere, talked incessantly. And yes argumentative. Now he is on Seroquel and Klonopin. And Ativan as needed. Different challenges like incontinence but I’d take this stage any day over the way it was 1-2 years ago. I look back and think, why didn’t they prescribe meds back then? The answer was I was going to a doc that wasn’t really on it, I switched doctors and immediately they prescribed the right meds. It will help I promise!!

White Crane · July 3

Hi, JC5, My DH is in MC but when he was still at home I got help from our local Area Agency on Aging. It may be called by a different name in your area. They did an assessment and provided me with 32 hours a month of respite time when an aide would come to the house and stay with DH. They also provided a shower aide who came twice a week to help him shower. It really helped me. I could leave the house and get away for a while. There was no charge for these services.

Brenda

SDianeL · July 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/73434/trapped

so sorry you are going through this. Have you tried fibbing about the car? Tell him It’s in the shop or you had to loan it to a kid because their car is in the shop? And tell your kids to confirm the fib? Sounds like day care is the best option. Tell him it’s a senior center and they need his help. That might work to get him to go. Hugs. 💜

Trapped

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