How to motivate your AD spouse to do things that will help her.

One surprising solution:

I grew frustrated from daily searching for DW's iPhone because she would leave it in all sorts of strange places, and also she had no idea how to make a call but would watch endless loops of annoying clips of little kids yelling and shrieking. One day I started charging her phone in a drawer in our 2nd bedroom. That was three weeks ago and she hasn't asked about it even once.

I take her with me when I sing for nursing homes and she seems happy to be my roadie and enjoys the music. Plus she is getting familiar with assisted living facilities which could make things easier in the near future.

That's exactly it. Her brain can't manage any of that anymore. I think you can keep doing many of these things, but just not expect it to yield the result you're seeking. I still write things on the calendar, but only because it gives me something to do when my DW asks repeat calendar questions. It seems to make her feel better, but then she'll ask me again 30 seconds later.

The other part is dementia frequently includes a major apathy stage. I could not figure out why my DW, who had been a fireball, sat around not wanting to do anything or seemingly unable to notice and take action on much of anything. Once I read up on it, it made so much sense.

Hang in there. Adjusting to just how different your spouse has already become will take time.

welcome. If you haven’t done so, read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me after my DH diagnosis. One comment on this forum also helped. It said “ you can’t reason with someone whose reasoner is broken” and that became my daily statement to myself. Your LO no longer has concept of time. Can no longer work a cell phone or remote or anything else. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s that they can’t. Music videos in a loop on your TV might work. And you might try to see if your county has senior day care for your LO. Come here often for info and support. We understand what you’re going through.

@gb2

You can't change how your DW functions in light of her disease progression, you can only reframe your thinking and change your behavior.

None of the strategies you have devised thus far are going to overcome these core deficits of dementia. Everyone is aware of the memory loss associated with dementia, but sometimes they don't acknowledge the losses associate with apathy (loss of enjoyment in previously enjoyable activities), empathy (appreciating the fact that her inability to entertain herself impacts you negatively), inertia (the ability to start an activity) and executive function (the ability to plan) and working memory (the ability to learn new material). In the context of all this loss, one ability will remain sharp pretty much until death— emotional intelligence. If her inability to independently self-motivate causes you frustration, disappointment or anger she will accurately intuit that which could cause her anxiety and a sense of failure that will exacerbate any vulnerability she might feel.

Sadly, there is no device— not a high-tech app on a phone or a monthly medication dispenser or a primary grade classroom learning practice like worksheets and white boards— that replaces the kindness and attention of a human being. I swear a great deal of the questions dad asked where simply his way of getting attention from his people. It's an awesome responsibility to be a caregiving spouse in the face of dementia. Being cruise social director while watching your LO vanish before your eyes in a tough gig.

The suggestion of filling your home with music is a good one. Your wife might be at a stage where a day program would provide her with failure-free activities and social engagement while providing you with a break to do things you need or want to do.

HB

You are a concerned spouse making positive efforts to connect with your spouse and inspire self-motivation. Abilities of people with AD sometimes can change from day to day, and it’s a trial-and-error pursuit. If something seems to work, keep doing it until it doesn’t. Regarding the dry erase board, that has helped me and my DH for the last couple of years. It’s a large board that has a whole month’s calendar on it and is located next to the breakfast table. I color code with dry erase markers--green for him, pink for me, and black for both of us. When he could no longer find the correct day, I began putting a round green magnet in the block for the current day. It also has a cork board at the bottom where I put appointment cards for the next month, and it has a blank space to write special notes. Good luck on finding strategies that work—if only temporarily—and don’t give up.

Your expectations might be at a level too high for her to meet. I ended up taking DH phone away from him because it was a constant source of stress as he had trouble operating it. I also had a white board at one point but discontinued it was a source of stress. It has been at least a year since DH was able to operate the remote for the TV. Occasionally he is able to turn it off with the remote.

I have learned after almost a decade of dealing with three family members who had or have dementia and that is that we need to meet them where they are. We can not expect them to be motivated to do things that we want them to do. Meeting them where they are is accepting them how they are and working within that framework.