I keep trying to take control

Eloise0304 · August 17

I am trying to help but I am really trying take control of everything, and it only makes things worse

I think he knows I am doing this and he gets mad and I know I should just leave him alone.

janeedee · August 17

Do you have a DPOA in place? If so you have every right to take control. Do everything you can online. Change passwords, use your phone # as the contact, use text only. Set all statements and communications by email only (paperless) so they are not sent by mail. Communicate with Drs in the portal that only you have access to. He will then be unaware of your changes and not “overhear” any of your discussions.

Hang in there . . .

Jgirl57 · August 17

Pick your battles and take control of the priority things . Janeedee gave great info to get a handle on finances and be sure not to discuss these issues with your DH. You are in a tricky stage now and time is really the only thing that will make this stage “easier.” It is really hard and we all understand.

trottingalong · August 17

I don’t make any calls in front of my husband pertaining to anything that needs to be done financially, medically, car and home repairs. I have taken control of everything and I have done it slowly and carefully.

Mitsu2 · August 17

I'm always trying to walk the line between controlling, and letting go of things that don't matter. If it's safety or something that could lead to damage and expensive repairs, I'll intervene. But I'm trying to let go of things like wearing strange clothing combinations and layers, or arranging things in ways that don't make sense, or eating mostly sweet or salty foods. If he puts a package of cheese in the cupboard, I put it in the fridge when he leaves the room. It took awhile to get there, but it does reduce the tension. I still have to remind myself not to talk with him about finances and repairs and just take care of it.

Chris20cm · August 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250815#Comment_250815

that's exactly how I have been doing it. And I don't even put most things on the refrigerator calendar until an hour or so before departure. Otherwise DW gets upset and keeps asking why do we have to go to ____. Even the beauty shop appointments upset her, or most anything that involves interacting with other people. I make all phone calls in a different part of our house.

Maru · August 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/250801#Comment_250801

I started doing everthing that Mitsu2 suggested the day that my DH went into meltdown mode after getting caught up in a scammers phone call that he gave the password to one of our bank accounts. Even thought DH has not been declared mentally unfit, he does have the AL diagnosis and all our paper work is in place. He still understands the why I have taken over as primary, but of course, that may change down the road.

HollyBerry · August 20

Some of it is just letting them think they are in control, when you know they aren't. Offer choices where both options are acceptable to you. A small fib goes a long way - "you said you didn't want to (whatever), so I cancelled our plans." Offer explanations that shift control to some entity other than you - "the bank says we need to…" or "the vet says..." Bald-faced lies can work, too - "we had planned to replace the garage door this year."

Eloise0304 · August 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/251144#Comment_251144

RetiredTeacher · August 20

I keep trying to take control

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