Start of incontinence
I knew the day would come. DH is now urinary incontinent for about a week now. I’ve been lucky it held off for as long as it did. He’s always been very resistant to my helping him in the bathroom with cleaning himself, etc, and it’s worse now. I don’t know how I’m going to get him to wear pull-ups when it’s hard to even get him to put underwear on. I tried once handing him the gray pull-ups which he just threw aside. Today he took off his wet underwear and pants and walked around the house naked for quite some time. He wouldn’t take the washcloth to clean up. I’ve tried to find videos but haven’t found ones for this problem. This is the beginning of a new nightmare - one in which I’ll be doing a lot of laundry, washing off urine from furniture and stressing out about how best to handle this without making him mad at me all the time.
One of the reasons I’m thinking about memory care is that I’m failing at many aspects of his personal care. I’ve tried many of your ideas about showering to no avail. Now this. I hate this disease!
Comments
-
Personal hygiene issues are a common trigger for placing a LO in MC. The professionals in a MCF are well-versed in handling personal hygiene.
You are not failing. You're doing the best you know how, and it's challenging.
5 -
I agree. I would place him if I were his caretaker.
1 -
Sad to say but, His time is soon, and so is yours. It maybe time to let someone else do the physical caring and you do the mental.
1 -
I’m so sorry, Annie. You are not failing!! Your DH and my DW seem to be in the same urinary incontinence schedule. Just over a week of consistent nightly issues. I’ve washed the sheets everyday day for a week now.
Placement seems to always be on my mind these days. It’s ok to accept when it’s time for the professionals.
4 -
The sad thing is…I could handle it if he’d let me!
5 -
It is so heartbreaking.
0 -
You may be able to handle the incontinence now, but that is not the endpoint. Sooner or later his condition will change and confront you with new challenges. Dealing with them will grind you down, particularly if DH interferes or resists. You might not be able to handle tomorrow what you can handle today.
I know placing your LO in MC is difficult. I placed my DW in April. It's hard to admit you've reached the limit of how much you can care for your LO. It feels like failure. It feels like giving up. But placing DW was the right choice, because she gets 24x7 care from professionals, and I don't have to worry about her safety. And my stress level went way down.
3 -
You are not failing. My DH has been incontinent for a year. Personal care is difficult. I'm a nurse, so can manage this if he let's me and can understand what is needed. I am now planning MC for next week. I am disappointed and feel kind of selfish but trying to work through this.
4 -
This is something that worked for me for awhile. I got both of us some nice looking depends, I ask him if he would start warning them, because it was something I also needed to do. He believed me and wore them for awhile. I finally had to place him, he needed more care then I was able to give. Good luck, hugs Zetta
0 -
My husband (as many are) is also very resistant to being changed. The doctor added Ativan - as needed. It takes 15 min to work, and it really does help. He becomes much more complacent and lets me help him. I’ve been told that is what they would do if he were in MC. They give the drugs necessary to get the job done. Maybe talk to his doc about adding this med!
3 -
My DH has been incontinent for about a year & as expected is resistant to any hygienic measures. And I have a nursing background & it pains me to be unable to help him fully w/ his hygiene. And my DH is extremely modest w/c he wasn’t before Alz. But little successes even 5% is rewarding. My main goal is for him not to get any infection or skin breakdown & not to slip or fall. If he agrees occasionally to wear pull ups, I kind of time it that he’s not going to have #2 in the coming hours otherwise it will be a disastrous day. What I find really helpful are the Deyeek surgical pants I bought from Amazon that are velcroed from waistline to the bottom. When I take him successfully into his shower chair w/c is usually early morning when he wets his pants & is more compliant, I turned up the heater & turn on some of his favorite music. I start washing his feet first w/ warm soapy water & work on my way up unsnapping the velcroes one at a time & he is more agreeable with it & still maintain his privacy. When it gets to groin area, I kind of accidentally splash some soapy solution & start rinsing him with the handheld shower head from feet to the groin. There’ll be a lot of washing of pants & cleaning of floor but I opted this method than him getting hospitalized for a serious infection esp if he refuses to take off his pullups. At least if he pees & refuses to be changed, the pants will dry up eventually & less chance of infection. And the pants have wide opening that if he does #2, it just falls on the floor & an easier cleanup hoping that his BM is well formed w/ c has been bc of our diet. He may not be as clean as I wanted until the next shower day but so far this has kept us home & manageable. The doggie blue pads are ready to wipe the floor & pad all furniture under sofa covers. And I let him wear those socks w/ rubberized sole as not to slip. I have a new name for myself w/c I crack him up. I’m Ms Moppette bc I have the mop always ready w/ vinegar & water & peppermint so the house stays pee scent free.
5 -
I do take breaks tho doing something productive when he’s resistant & agitated but again little successes eqch time I approach him adds up.
0 -
DH had urinary incontinence and then fecal incontinence. It's about to break me. This is a cruel disease.
3 -
My DH was very resistant to any hygiene help. As incontinence started, I would slip an incontinence pad into his boxers briefs and work to get that on him. I actually pre-loaded the briefs with the pads so that they were all the same. Didn't always work, but any time it did was a victory. I would point at the TV ads with young, good-looking guys making statements about needing to wear a pad to try to make it more "normal." After a few months of this, and cleaning every surface imaginable (too much carpet in the house!) and knowing it wasn't going to get better, I ended up moving him to MC. The books that say you need to get your LO on a toileting schedule are BS in my book. Can't tell him what to do, can't predict when the need will arise. The combination of the MC staff and his continuing decline has gotten him over the pull-up hump. It often still takes them 2 people to do a change as he has a hard time lifting his feet. That is a second person/helper I was never going to have at home.
3 -
When my DH became incontinent, my experience was similar. I removed the carpet in the bedroom, bought a really good mattress cover, and stocked up on multiple types of disposable underwear and wee wee pads. But the fight every day to get him changed and showered was killing me. Finally I contacted a visiting nurse service for some respite care. They came every morning and evening for a week. It was expensive but worth it for my sanity. They had some magical power over him and they got him showered and dressed with little fuss. Better still, after that week he was much more cooperative with me, and now I can get him changed and in the shower with only the occasional fuss.
6 -
I was doing at least one load of laundry a day before I finally got my DH to wear disposables. He needs help dressing which makes it easier for me to get him into the disposables. He doesn’t want help getting cleaned up either. It sometimes takes me hours to get him cleaned up after he has a BM. Everyone is different. I have found that being fast and efficient works. I do all of the work getting him dressed.
Sometimes he has to be in wet disposables for a couple of hours before he will let me help him change into a dry one. Right now he doesn’t smell so good. He is in a mood today. I’ll wait until closer to bedtime and see if I can wrestle him into a clean disposable after I get him in the shower.
I never thought I would be able to do all of this. It seemed impossible because he fights every step of the way. I take it one dirty pull-up at a time and try not to think about the next one.
1 -
You are doing a fantastic job. you are doing your very best and it is enough. I caring for an elderly person with dementia was easy everyone would be doing it. Don’t think about the next one.
I keep a bucket and disinfectant, rags and plastic grocery bags handy. Can clean a floor, a toilet and a grown ass man quickly. I have a system. Most of the time my DH screams and swears at me and calls me names but he is always happy to be clean and dry.
3
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 624 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 342 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 282 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 17.5K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.7K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 8.5K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 2.9K Caring for a Parent
- 234 Caring Long Distance
- 171 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 17 Discusiones en Español
- 5 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 4 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 12 Prestación de Cuidado
- 3 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 23 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 15 Help