It's obvious I'm not alone...

mspattyct · September 6

Though I feel very alone. I have been helping my 83-year-old mother who has had symptoms of dementia for at least 2 years. She had lived alone for 10 years after my dad passed. I kept trying to get her to move closer to me. In February she had some sort of psychotic event and I had her transferred to a memory care near me after spending 5 days in an emergency room. I think she tried to live alone for too long. She physically is good and sounds lucid to talk to, but her short-term memory is really bad. She has no memory of how she got where she is, and thinks she has lived there since my dad died. She cries a lot and gets really upset when other residents try to come into her room. It's slowly crushing my soul, but I don't know what else to do other than to continue to push forward. People say it will get better. Some days it is better, other days it just crushes me. I take her out once a week so she can feel "normal." Our time is usually spent with her repeating herself quite a bit. She was diagnosed with mild Alzheimer's earlier this year, but I do think it has progressed. I probably need an in person support group but the closest one to me is about 45 minutes away and hard to do while working full time. I read all of these posts and see how many people are struggling with caring for a loved one. It's a lot.

psg712 · September 6

Welcome. This forum is the best support group I have found! Lots of good practical info and emotional support here.

I'm glad that your mom is in an MC near you. That has been key for me and my mom since I moved her from her home 3 years ago. Like your mom, she lived alone for over a decade after my dad's death. Looking back, I can recall situations even before Dad's passing which indicated she was beginning to struggle with cognitive decline. Not memory, but lapses in judgment, loss of sensitivity to others' feelings or perspectives, inattention to her own safety. But we didn't put 2 and 2 together until much later.

If your mom is crying a lot and having a hard time handling the MC environment, maybe you could check with her provider about a small dose of antidepressant?

mspattyct · September 6

Thank you. I really appreciate it. I noticed changes in my mom and knew she should be living alone, but she was adamant she wasn't moving. Now, as you said, looking back I could see that it was worse than I even thought it was after hearing from some of her neighbors/friends. I'm sorry you are dealing with it with your mom. I have never had a family member with dementia, so I feel rather ill equipped. I will talk to her doctor. She is due to go to her memory clinic physician soon for follow up. I wish I could have her at home with me and my husband, but I don't think I could give her what she needs.

SDianeL · September 7

so sorry about your Mom. I found this to be the best support group. The people here have experienced what you are going through. We understand. Read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which really helped me understand the disease and gave helpful tips for caregivers. I would definitely ask the doctor about medication to help her. Be specific about her depression and anxiety. Also talk to the nurse at the facility about how she gets upset when others come in her room. Maybe they have ways to distract her. Search online for a chart for the 7 Stages of Dementia that lists behaviors so you can get an idea of where she is. When I visited my DH I would visit at mealtime. When I left, I didn’t say goodbye, I just quietly left. I would tell the nurse I was leaving so they could distract him with ice cream. Many MC facilities have support groups for family. They usually have Social Workers you could talk to. We know how you feel. It’s heartbreaking. Hugs. 💜

ESkayP · September 7

This stage was the most difficult for me with my mother. She was still cognizant enough to know she was slipping mentally. She was confused and afraid most of the time. I tried to comfort her, but she only wanted me to take her home. She no longer remembered her former residence, she just refused to believe that the MC facility was where she belonged. My mother had also lived alone too long after my father died, and she suffered some psychotic episodes that I now realize were aggravated by alcohol. When she no longer had the wine to help her numb out, her anxiety level increased substantially. She didn't stay in AL more than a few weeks before she needed MC level attention. The transition stage was repeated and prolonged beyond our control. She did finally get settled and visits were less emotional. My mother adjusted to the routine of the place and had several good months before her decline progressed. She's no longer cognizant of belonging in her surroundings or stressed about much of anything. So, yes, continue to push forward. Each phase has its share of upsetting conditions, but gradually, you accept them and keep going. I come here often to get grounded. I'm deeply grateful for this forum.

psg712 · September 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252867#Comment_252867

I also considered keeping my mom in my home when I first moved her out of hers, but I realized that she needed 24/7 caregiver availability. With my husband and I working and my son in school, there would be regular stretches of time for her to be home alone ... and we had already determined that she wasn't safe alone in her own home.

I also considered the inevitable decline that lay ahead for her, and the effects of having my young son live through those changes face to face at home. He still sees her for visits either at home or in her MC, but I am certain that this living arrangement is healthier for him and safer for mom.

mspattyct · September 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252914#Comment_252914

Thank you for the book recommendation! I will read it. I think she is probably at stage 5. I think she is still picking out her clothes, but I think she is requiring more prompting from staff. I noticed after visiting her today how easily she gets confused, even with the simplest of things.

mspattyct · September 7

I think you are right about the demands if your loved one lived with you. It would be a 24/7 need. Such a tough situation.

mspattyct · September 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/252944#Comment_252944

Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry about your mom. This stage is hard as my mom wonders why she can't live in assisted living. Hard for them to lose their independence in memory care, even little things like not having a refrigerator or microwave, though when she lived at home she often forgot how to use these things. I am grateful for this forum already. ❤️

It's obvious I'm not alone...

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