It Is Over

Three weeks ago my dear wife of 57+ years ended her battle with this cruel and heartless disease, Alzheimer/Dementia. She declined very fast over the few weeks prior. I promised her at the start that I would do my best to never put her somewhere for her care but, rather, have her at home forever. While it does nothing to lessen my grief and pain, I fulfilled my promise and she never left her home and passed laying in her own bed holding my hand. The images of those last hours, her failing effort to continue, her body trying to go on will never leave me. We had so many good memories for the 60 years I knew her but I find those last painful images remain steadfast. She did not struggle or suffer pain or discomfort as the hospice nurses did their job remarkably well, but her body fought. Hospice nurses are the angels sent to help us through this nightmare, always there when needed, always knowledgeable about what is to come. One nurse in her waning days tried to adjust her head to improve her breathing but was finding it difficult to get it just right. That nurse then stood at the head of her bed and held her head in his hands for four straight hours to relieve her breathing and improve the image for her family standing watch. Four hours without relief, even when offered, to help her and the family get through this horror. She did not leave until her work here was done. The nurses felt several times over the preceding days that she was going to pass but she did not. A nurse said, after two days of this, she is not ready, there is something undone. She had been saying the word "together" over and over for the prior week leaving me puzzled as to what she wanted. On her final day with me, the entire family gathered around her, the first time everyone was there at one time. There was a rift among some in the family and as the evening came upon us most departed as she was still not ready to leave. By dawn she was gone with me holding her hand, reminding her how much I love her and kissing her forehead over and over. It was then that I became aware that those in the family involved in the rift had made contact after departing earlier, talked on the phone until after 1:00 AM and healed their issues. It was 2:00 AM when my dear wife left me forever. Her job was completed. The Mother of our family had accomplished what no one else could have done and now she could finally rest in peace. The pain continues, the tears never stop, the gap in my heart is real and will never be filled but my dear wife repaired our family as only she could have done. I tell you this story to share her memory but, more importantly, to tell those going through this nightmare now to listen, see, feel what your loved one is trying to tell you. He or she may have lost the ability to communicate in the manner we all use but they are still doing so. We just have to learn to move into their world, as scary as it is, and look for their signals to us. Facial expressions, simple words, gestures, behaviors, movements, can all be their form of communication. Our job then is to learn and interpret what they are telling us. I would also tell you that, regardless of what anyone says about what they hear in the later stages, be very, very careful about what you say or express in their presence. My dear wife played back to me on many occasions something said that upset her. During one frustrating and difficult incident with her in the later days I said to myself "I don't know how much longer I can do this". I completed the task and got her safely and comfortably seated on the sofa in her preferred seat. It was then that holding my hand, she looked up at me with her angelic face and said "You are not going to put me somewhere are you?". A complete sentence, not just a word or garble! Be very careful and don't make a stupid mistake like I did. The stab to my heart was more painful than any physical pain will ever be. Sorry for the length, but I hope this story helps someone going through this and helps ease the burden a little bit.